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Would it be enough?
Written by Sean on Sunday, August 19, 2007
Everyone who has been reading this blog for any length of time knows that my BIID focuses on needing to be a paraplegic, specifically an L1/L2 para. The question I’ve been asked is "would this be enough?". And going one step further, considering a bilateral femoral nerve transection, which would indeed paralyse my legs, but wouldn’t affect my bowels, bladders or genitalia, would that be enough?
It’s a good question that. Would it be enough? I happen to think that being an L1/L2 para most certainly would. While there are stories of people who chop a toe, then a second, and a third or forth afterwards, this seems quite different than the typical BIID. Those who have managed a major limb amputation, the amputation they had been needing "forever", these lucky individuals all report that they are happy with it, and aren’t seeking more.
There is one person who has received an amputation who still wants more. But it isn’t a question of having needed one leg amputated and now that she has, she’s after another. She has always needed to be a DAK. The thing is, she has repeatedly said, right from the time she became an amputee and since, that losing that one leg made a world of difference in her life, and it’s all good stuff
Where does that leave *me*?
It leaves me thinking that I would be happy as an L1 para. It further leaves me thinking that while it wouldn’t be *exactly* what I seek, having the femoral nerves messed with would give me the peace of mind that would let me break out of this endless circle of pain, despair, and depression.
But that is something I’ll never know, unless I do finally get this procedure done (by whom, the gods only know). And that is something *you* will never know. Because if I get the procedure done, and come back to you and say "yes I’m happy", it would be entirely too easy to think I’m claiming happiness rather than admitting I was wrong. I don’t think I am wrong, but I don’t exclude that possibility.
Having seen the result in others, people I knew well (as well as you can know someone online), having seen the difference in them, I just can’t help feeling it would be the right decision.
I wish there was research done about the success of surgery. But it can’t happen. For it to happen, transabled individuals would need to be studied before surgery, through psychotherapy, then surgery provided, then followed through with more therapy. This would prove, or disprove, that surgery works. But it is a catch-22 situation. Such a study wouldn’t be deemed ethical by the powers that be. How could they conceive of harming someone for the sole purpose of a study, when there is no proof that the "harming" would resolve anything. You can’t provide surgery because there’s no proof it would work, and until there is proof, it remains unethical and immoral. But in order to provide proof, you need to conduct studies, which can’t be approved because it’s not ethical to conduct such "cutting edge" (pun intended) studies. Vicious circle if there ever was one.
And it leaves me having to prove it for myself, and hoping that if I do manage to get what I need, you’ll believe me when I say "it worked".
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4 Comments
2 On 19 August, 2007, Sean said:
Jon, I’ve been living almost 100% of my public life as a wheelchair user, including working, shopping, etc. It helps. But after a dozen years of doing it it’s now only helping keeping the pressure under some sort of minimal control.
The question does not really apply to the woman who wishes to be DAK. Obviously, becoming SAK is not what she wanted first, then felt the compulsion to go onto something bigger. To say that this is true in her case is to give validation to the nae-sayers that argue we would not be happy with one level of disability and after a while we would feel the need for more and more. The woman in question was able to obtain a single leg amputation as a first step. It seemed prudent since apparently she was doing something to force doctors to perform an amputation that could jeaporize her life. Makes more sense to minimize the risk. Also, a woman, Corrine, is featured on the BBC documentary wanting to become a DAK. The ampulove website has pictures of her as a LAK and then a DAK. In her case it is clearly not a case of needing more and more. It just seems prudent to be sure one is healed and healthy before completing the transformation.
I can only speak from my own experience. I wish to be a RAK, I can pinpoint the exact spot on my thigh where feeling should end. I have no desire at all to loose anything else, nor have I even experimented with more elaborate pretending.
Sean, obviously I will never know what it feels like to be you. I must assume that your desire to become a para is the same as mine to be a leg amputee. Only you know for sure to what extend your body should be disconnected from. Kind of sounds to me that you wish for no feeling above the waste, but are not to keen on some of the consequences.
But a question comes up here: If surgery was obtainable, would it still be permitted if the first result is not enough?
4 On 20 August, 2007, Sean said:
Ronald, I hope I didn’t mislead you, or other readers, in my writing. I fully agree with you that the person who is a DAK, but starts with a single leg amputation is quite different than someone who is never satisfied with the condition they get and want something “more”.
What I “wish” for is paralysis from the bellybutton down, thereabouts. I have no problem with the consequences of that. Obviously retaining bowel/bladder/sexual functions is an added bonus. But it’s not, unfortunately, mission critical.
Good question about surgery and follow up operations.
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1 On 19 August, 2007, jon said:
none of us know the answers to the ? we all ask ourselves, would it be enough? are u in a posotion where u could move an live as a para for a yr? even with out surgery, would that be enough., i do enjoy reading your thoughts and those of others.