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Will I self-injure?
Written by Sean on Monday, December 11, 2006
I was recently asked if I’d do something to injure myself. The answer is "No, I don’t think so". One never really knows what the future will hold for them, but all things remaining equal, I don’t believe I’ll attempt self-injury. I used to think that becoming a paraplegic wasn’t the best option for me. I’ve since changed my mind. If the settings were right, I’d go for it.
A ladder, a knife, a ladder and a knife,
hare-brained schemes.
The problem is, doing it myself is not an option. No matter what hare-brained scheme I come up with, it is unlikely to be safe nor to work. I spent 30++ years thinking of ways, and haven’t found one that works. <shrug> I’ve heard rumours and this person told me about this method, and that person told me about that method, but in fact, very few things appear to work, or to be safe.
I have thought of a method that might actually be relatively safe, but it’s not one I could, nor would, do on myself. I’d need the assistance of a health professional. Nothing as drastic as a spinal cord transection, yet, I suspect no health professional in their right mind would assist.
This leaves me with trying to find a corrupt doctor somewhere or other. Do I really want to rely on a corrupt doctor? Hmmm, I don’t think so, but even if I did, it’s not obvious to find such a doctor. It ain’t like one can ring up the medical practice and say "excuse me, are you corrupt and unethical?".
Of course, in some flight of fancy or another, I’m thinking, perhaps I could go and give some gangsta $500 so they can stab me in the back. Of course, with my luck, they’d keep on stabbing, killing my kidneys and missing the spinal cord entirely. Or it would be an undercover cop, and I’d be charged with something or other.
Falling off a ladder doesn’t work, as I’ve already proven. But my mind keeps going back to it, as one more stupid plan.
Yes, I might just end up desperate enough, in the grips of a transabled attack, and do something impulsive one of these days. Who knows?
Ahhh, but this is just another long pointless ramble. And off to the lounge I go, pick up a book, read, escape reality a while.
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2 Comments
2 On 10 January, 2007, Graeme Goslin said:
Hello there Sean…
I just read your piece on self injury and agree with absolutely every word of it. I have been a quadriplegic wannabe for as long as my memory serves me and the attacks of need to satisfy this life long desire are growing to such an extent that I am more or less ready to relocate to the states in order to fulfill my dreams of being a quad. There are however many obstacles still in my way and furthermore would then need to find a caregiver that would be available from the second the transition is realized….
I would love to chat to you sometime and get a little more insight from someone … I have not had a great deal of interaction with others like me and this, I think needs to take place before I get too carried away and attempt something like this with no emotional backing or support.
I am currently in south africa and there are no others here it seems with this psychological condition…. would be cool to pick your brains and see how we could get to grips with our desire…. two brains are better than one I am sure
Cheers Graeme
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1 On 30 December, 2006, wannabe unknown said:
//edited - removed specific suggestion as to how to proceed. These types of comments have no place on the site. Sean.