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Home / Thoughts / Other's Thoughts / Sophie's Thoughts / When home isn’t home anymore

When home isn’t home anymore

Written by Sophie on Monday, September 11, 2006

As some may be asking, where the hell have I been? I’m not too sure myself. My friend was having a 21^st birthday party last Saturday and I’ve known her since before we started high school (seven years ago). It was pretty much necessary that I go, so… I had to stay at my parents’ house. I think this was the time where it truly hit me that my parents’ house isn’t my home any more.

The only ride I could get was on the Tuesday. I spent the first day and a half sitting around watching TV. I couldn’t go anywhere (my parents work all day) and I was not allowed on the internet, not even to send one email. By the second night I was truly in a rut of severe depression and a transabled attack. I wrote a bit about how I was feeling and I had to stop several times to try and see through the tears. Mum called me a baby and things got so bad that I went to my friend’s mum’s house for the night. We sat together and I told her everything. I told her about me being transabled. I got the same sort of reaction that Sean got from his councillor "That’s interesting, I’ve never heard of that before" but at the same time she said "God has given you WORKING legs". That’s an argument that I don’t know how to discuss, it’s in the too hard basket, especially since I’m a Christian myself.

I got to sleep pretty quickly that night and spent most of the next day watching their TV. I barely ate anything (a tub of yoghurt and a rollup), I simply wasn’t hungry. Mum came round that afternoon and we had a bit of a talk. I tried to be honest with her, and I tried to listen to what she had to say. Some of the things didn’t surprise me. She and Dad are wondering what they did wrong in raising me, and mum is wishing I’d never met Sean (she thinks he’s a para). I told her that I wasn’t choosing to feel this way, things would be so much easier if I wasn’t like this. Ultimately I agreed to go to see a councillor (with the folk’s money) and mum went back to being nice. We went to The Warehouse to get a birthday present for my friend (I’m broke) and had tea in the food court (wedges for me).

Pretty much the rest of the stay was the same. Mum was nice, Dad was nice, still wasn’t allowed on the net. Then Saturday came round. I got ready, and I thought I looked decent. Then mum spent several minutes trying to put my hair in a bun (I pulled it out again) and tried to get me to wear makeup. Then she pulled out all her necklaces from her jewellery box. I didn’t want any of that stuff, I just wanted to be me.

When they did the speeches at this party it really made me worry. My 21^st is coming up in a few months time and mother dearest is organising it. What are they going to say in their speeches about me? It’s hardly like we’re happy families now. I don’t know what will be happening but a part of me isn’t looking forward to it.

I had another thought in church this morning. What if I die, go to heaven and get to roll round heaven in a wheelchair? Then I wondered, what would Mum say if she saw me rolling round heaven in a wheelchair? I’d find it funny. I’m torn. The bible says that God made me perfect in his eyes but are they just talking about me physically? It also says that God knows the desires of my heart; does that mean he likes my transabledness? Or… Will my transabledness be the part that gets me booted into hell? More questions for the "too hard" basket.

I never want a repeat event of last week ever again. I was pretty desperate to get home. When I got here my forum was "jumping", I had hundreds of emails to sort through and other sites to check. I figured it was a good idea to write down my thoughts for you guys now that I’m on top of all that. Sean didn’t post my "thoughts" when I sent them to him from my friend’s house because they are rather raw, but I’ve gone back over them now and it isn’t anything new that you guys don’t know so I figured it didn’t hurt to post it. My friend’s mum told me it’s a good thing that I can write these things down, it’s an outlet for all that pain that I bottle up inside me (her words).

"I feel like total crap. I hate being home. I hate being yelled at for eating. I hate being yelled at for watchingTV. I hate being yelled at for simply being me. I need my wheelchair. I need the internet. I need to be with like-minded people. Getting that text from Sean about going tothe movies felt like a kick in the guts. I’m so miserable. I feel so depressed. I want togo back to home but I can’t. I want the painto go away but it won’t. I don’t know if Icanlast, I don’t belong here.

Failure is not an option. The ability to hold on is what is keeping me from falling into the snake pit. I can’t tell my parents how I feel, they hate me enough already. My little brother doesn’t care and my older one thinks I’m a freak. I don’t know how muchlonger I can hold on. Howdo I holdon? Even money problems can’t keep me here. A bath tub? Not worth it. I have no credit on my phone. My internet time is practically zilch. What should I do? I’ve made a commitment to be at thisbirthday but all I can do is sithere and cry. What do I do?"

[tags]Birthday, Depression, Transabled, Wheelchair, Parents, Therapy[/tags]