transabled.org

This is how I’ve felt for a long time. Like the BIID isn’t an exclusive cause of depression, but definitely contributes. With mien though they seem to mirror each other essentially. Like when I get depressed holy hell does it get a lot worse, and when I’m not it goes back to baseline. Baseline for me is livable, but not preferred.

It is good that wheeling helps you by reducing your mental agony. Just my opinion; being transabled and depressed may be related and may work together on your mind and emotions but they may also be somewhat separable, too. What I mean is that you might be able to deal with and help much of the depression even without a “cure” for BIID.
Otherwise, keep on wheeling and living; you and your website help others and that is something worth contemplating.

I have read a bit about depression here and most notably from one contributor who does make some sense at times, yet his entire message goes astray in the long sessions of insensitive mental diarrhoea.

I sometimes do some work with newly disabled people and what I have learnt is that depression sets in say after an accident and the person is suddenly a para or an amp. In these cases most people are very tolerant and we understand WHY depression has set in. This newly disabled person does not WISH to be disabled. In simple terms, he does not like or want his new body form. Those with BIID have the same problem. They do not like or wish to have their current body form.

As with disabled people, some get to grips with their situation and manage to get on with a reasonable new life because they decided to do so. Others cannot extract themselves from the marsh they find themselves in and they remain depressed with many of them turning to drugs and/or alcohol.

It is all about choices really. We can decide to do something about coming to terms with what life dishes out or not. I am not saying that it is easy……..in fact, it is darned difficult.

I watched a new amp go to pot after he lost a leg BK in a war zone. At first his wife tried to deal with it, knowing just how difficult it was for him. Yet, in time he got more depressed and to be honest, IMPOSSIBLE to live with and she left him. He then used this as an excuse: “The moment I become disabled, my wife takes off..Hell life it not worth living”! He was no longer able to see that HE had driven her away with his moods and drunken state.

I worked with him for 3 months where I DID tell him the truth. The truth was that he had to accept himself and then stop blaming the world for his ails. He told me to go to hell one day.

2 months later he contacted me……….For the first time he went to have a new leg fitted…..He stopped drinking as much and one night in a pub he met a new woman in his life. Even now he is not happy ALL the time but what a change. He even goes skiing with is new partner!

At risk of being too long winded, I do not want to go too much into my own situation other than to say that I wasted 2 decades of my life HATING myself for having contracted polio as an infant. I then managed to get on with my life and roughly 2 decades later I went back quite severely into being disabled. Tell you what? I went through and intense period of renewed anger and depression and then got fed up with myself. I reminded myself that yes I can do things with help from others but firstly I needed to be easy in my own skin re my new situation.

The fact that I managed to do it and others mange to do it daily does not mean I disrespect those that cannot get their depression or BIID under control. I simply respect that we are all very different.

Depression is a hell of a way to spend a day, or a week, or a month. For most people, depression is not clinical, meaning it does not take over one’s entire life, but just disrupts it a bit for a few days or weeks, and then the person makes a decision to change their situation–this usually happens (from my observations of those I work with) because they are fed up with how they feel. Those with non-clinical depression are not usually suicidal and can do the amazing “bounce-back” we all know and love.

But for those with clinical depression, nothing gets rid of the pain. Their efforts to break the cycle of depression, anxiety, and social lepor status they may feel seems like an impossible feat, and it is. Without some serious help, our friends who suffer inside themselves go on binges of suicidal thoughts and attempts, sometimes multiple, and sometimes so intense that it drives everyone away. They rarely seek help on their own, because the depression has gotten so bad that they don’t even go out. People who commit suicide are not “successful” but “completed”. A completed suicide is seen as a hinderance to the way the psychological community responds, and the goal is to keep those who suffer from clinical depression from crossing that line, as thin and invisible as it is, and to help them to regain some equilibrium in their lives.

I have been clinically depressed. I attempted suicide when I was 14 and when I was 19. I am 29 now. I have trouble describing what it feels like to be clinically depressed, and I feel that this is for two reasons. One is that I have not been there in so long that I seem to have forgotten some of that sensation. Two is that when I was clincal, I was shut off. I didn’t feel a whole lot of anything, and because of that, I don’t have memories of feelings, but of spaces in time. Those spaces in time are like dead zones, and that’s certainly what propels people to the depths of themselves in order to try to regain their existence or to consider the alternative (death).

I am proof that those who are clinically depressed take a front seat on the train through hell, and then somehow, learn from it. I learned that I could not continue to live until I began to live, and that was when I started my gender transition from Female to Male. But even that road was rugged terrain and littered with debris from my past. I still have people come back into my life now whose expectation is that I am the same person I once was, only for them to find out that the person they knew is stronger and more capable of friendship and unconditional love. Some of them adore it, and some of them don’t see the unhappy soul they once relied on to make themselves feel free of their troubles. It’s a double-edged sword.

I admire those whose first step is to reach out to others and take their own life by the bootstraps. Through the outreach and emotional connections this site provides, Sean helps to create a virtual community, and community is something we all need. Even Adam had his Eve, and by that story (true or not) we know that human beings are social creatures who need each other. I need every one of you, so thanks for letting me stay here and ramble on! It’s a highlight to my day.

Oh, and one more comment: As communities grow, so does awareness. The more we gather, the more we speak, the more we reach out, the more we will expand beyond our bodies and become kinetic, and kinetic energy moves everything.

Eric, thank you for your post. I am glad someone else attempted to point out the difference between clinical depression and situational depression. Unfortunately, I think that it is near on impossible for someone who hasn’t lived through clinical depression to understand it.

It is probably even more difficult for someone who has “successfully dealt with their (situational) depression” to understand how difficult and how little control there is in clinical depression.

And here I am, wanting to leave depression behind. But drugs didn’t help, and I tried several cocktails of them. And therapy helps polish out the surface scratches, but doesn’t yet seem to solve anything.

How did you manage to shed your demons Eric? Was it only once you started the FtM transition process?

I should point out that like Rorschach, I believe depression and BIID are two independent beasts warring inside, but that they don’t necesarily go hand in hand. I’ve had periods of my life where I was (more than usual) depressed, but was relatively at peace with BIID, and others where the BIID feeling ran strong, but depression was sitting on the side.

Those demons are still kinda loud today. In fact, they surely shout at me, and I have that whole BIID thing in there still. It’s an ugly one, but it does not disrupt my life so much that I am incapable.

I guess that’s the one thing I want to point out. You may recall that in a previous post I said that it’s never one thing, but everything. There are so many things that depress people, so when you say that BIID and depression work separately, in a strong sense, you’re right. However, the one thing we can learn is not to consider BIID as something we can control or not control. It is a trait, like having blue eyes or being African American. It is not out of control, it’s just there, and you have to cope with it in whatever way(s) you can.

My GID is like Jack & the Beanstalk. I planted a magic gender bean and it grew and grew into this thorny stalk that rose so high that I couldn’t see over it, get around it, or dig below it. I had to climb to find my way out, and when I got to the top I finally faced down my gender giant. It was the scariest thing I ever did, but Sean, I did exactly what you are doing right now: I found and created a community! That was the way I overcame that demon. I started a group in my area for support services, and while this is a little bit different, there are groups that I see on the net who get together and discuss their BIID in person. In the end, it’s the same support. Just knowing I was not alone was enough to bring me to the point where I realized there should be no stigma attached to my situation and that I needed to stand up for myself, and for others who cannot do it on their own, while teaching people how to take pride in who they are.

Those roads are treacherous. When I decided I needed to begin living, I went out and found myself a therapist, I started hormone therapy, and I changed my name and began living full time. That was comfortable for me. But there are a lot of people who never do that or even go that far. That’s comfortable for them, and if it works, then do it!

In the end, all I am saying is that there are a million reasons why life should be enjoyed while you are here, and you should never allow anyone or anything from stopping you being happy.

I can hear it now: So if someone is only happy killing people, we should let that person do it??!! First of all, I hate when people put up a smoke screen like that and bring up or make comparisons with things that are totally unrelated. First of all, I don’t hurt anybody by transitioning my gender. No one had to die so I could become a male in society, so why is this even remotely comparable to someone going on a killing spree?! Secondly, when I was born I was given a birth certificate, which certifies that I own my body. I belong to me and to no one else. I can come and go as I please. I can get a tattoo or comb my hair a certain way or get the job I choose to pursue. I am free to be me and I don’t need anyone else’s permission to be me. My birth certificate qualifies me for that job.

So before we all let others disqualify us from being happy, we must first allow ourselves to pursue happiness. It is our moral right. Some of you may not be Americans, but I am, and our country is founded on the freedom of the pursuit of happiness. If I want to roll through life in a chair that’s all shiny and can bring me peace and comfort, why should I ever have to use legs that just hurt me? I am free to sit, or stand, or climb, or jump, and no one can stop me. I realized that I am worth every dime I spend on my therapy and other treatments, and I am worthy of love and success and self-esteem. Unfortunately, until a person accepts their human status and undergoes that transformation from social kindling to a raging inferno of strength, there’s nothing I can say or do that will change the way they feel. But if they take the time to change their world, even if it’s baby steps and takes years and years to accomplish, they will soon find they don’t need my help; they have themself. I am my biggest fan.

Maybe because of that someone might think I’m a jerk. That’s okay. All I know is that I am a healthy jerk with good things to offer to the world. And if I don’t love me first, no one else can.

That’s way long… sorry. Hope it makes sense.

I went out and found myself a therapist, I started hormone therapy, and I changed my name and began living full time. That was comfortable for me.

And therein lays the “Horrible Detail”. As a transgendered individual, you had that recourse, knowing that eventually your path would lead you where you are now.

As a transabled individual, the only recourse we really have is faking. There are no surgeons that will do the surgery we so need. The one who openly did it a few years ago was nearly lynched.

*shrug*

This is true. I won’t lie and say I made my own hero because there isn’t one in this case. I suppose that the more important quote to remember is coping with it. We all cope, and coping is simply making changes when we can and knowing when it’s not possible to change something.

If it’s about needing the real thing, needing that paralisys, the only thing to do is to figure out a way to make it as realistic for your own mind as possible. You know the phenomena of phantom pain? Doctors treat it with mirrors. It tricks the mind, and even though the patient knows it’s fake, it stimulates that part of the brain enough to know it’s working, and the pain usually goes away. It doesn’t happen immediately–it takes a while, but it works. This is similar to that. You can do things, with the help of others, that may make things a lot more realistic for you. For instance, casting can atrophy muscles enough to make weakness a reality. That’s something I have always wanted to do, and when I was in 8th grade I had a cast because of a broken bone. It was amazing what happened in that short period of time. If I could have had that with my whole leg on both of them for months, I would have had what I wanted. Hmm, even then, it was there!

I guess that for now, there are no outs, no immediate ways to make it right. Until then, you must create it for yourself. And even with my GID, no one could make that for me. I had to do it on my own, as do all the others who came before me and who will come after.

I know there are no doctors who will do this, and it’s alright. Just like certain things, like removing GID from the DSM-IV so that surgery will be a covered diagnosis instead of a stigma and “incurable disorder”, will probably not happen in my lifetime, I still must move toward that new order. I cannot sit still.

It has been said, “Those who do not move do not notice their chains.” Is it possible, then, that your chains are simply not known to you? Perhaps more digging around will enlighten them for you, and maybe you can discover how to be both a pretender/wannabe and be Sean at the same time. What a great combination! Afterall, anyone in a chair probably wants people to see the person, not the chair itself.

God (or whatever higher power whoever might believe in) bless you, Eric. Your clarity is very helpful. I would just add that situational depression and clinical depression are not mutually exclusive. In my experience situational depression multiplies the effect of clinical depression. One suffering clinical depression will have a hard time sorting it out from situational. In therapy the sufferer might also find that some of what has been labeled clinical has deeply underlying situational roots. I am convinced though that no one knows where BIID comes from, as you say it’s like your eye color, so the thing to do is honor it in the measure you can. IMHO in our mind-your-own-business culture it’s enough to say I have a condition that requires me to use a wheelchair much (or some or most or all) of the time and leave it at that. Those who pry can be met with, “Can we change the subject?” Internally, the need to acquire actual paralysis or amputation is a wrinkle of BIID that only the sufferer can discern for him or herself. Relationships that grow toward intimacy though need to have the BIID condition addressed head-on since it’s something the partner has to accept in us.

Eric, thanks for your piece on the difference between clinical and situational depression.

When I said: “It is all about choices really. We can decide to do something about coming to terms with what life dishes out or not. I am not saying that it is easy……..in fact, it is darned difficult” , I hope I made it clear enough that I did not judge those with depression of any sorts that cannot get it under some control. I am a guy who never goes out to make judgements on my fellow man.

The reason for this is that when I had onset of PPS, I had near 6 years of the most inhuan physical pain. This was a mix of neuropathic and muscular pain. Besides depression, I ended up never wanting to discuss the pain I was experiencing because I did not believe the medical profession or friends and family truly understood what I was going through. I could scream when anybody told me how they understood just how bad my pain was. After a number of years I was in luck. A junior neurolist originally from Thailand made it his business to find solutions. He thought outside of the box. He found solutions for which I am eternally grateful. The daily pain I have now is at a different level, yet even that can sort of put me into a dark grey space.

Thanks for the oppertunity to discuss all of this

It’s “funny” (well, no, it’s not, but…) I often think I’d trade my mental anguish for physical pain. At least, with physical pain, at least I’d *know* it was real. It would be tangible. It’s something people could relate to, even if not entirely. With depression and mental pain/anxiety, it’s “all in your head“, and even though it’s just as real and you don’t have much control (if at all), it still seems like it isn’t as real.
*shrug*

Sean, Believe me when I attended a pain management clinic, the team was made up of a specialist anaesthesiologist, a physio and a shrink. The latter tried to tell me that ALL I had to do is move from the bum place in my head to this wonderful fluffy wonderful world of ZERO pain. I told her to piss off and try that nonsense elsewhere, where placebos might work. The anaesthesiologist who headed up the team did not resist when I asked for her to be removed and within a few months we had physical pain under control with a regime of drugs that would fell an ox. So yes, even physical pain is often thought to be in ones head!! and clearly by practitioners that have possibly not experienced it at the level I had

Yeah. It’s never that simple, is it? *shrug*

@Bracer: Completely true. Since I was a young teenager I complained that my legs ached and was brushed off as “growing pains” and that I’d “grow out of it” - 15 years later I’m in noticable discomfort at evening’s end walking and ascending stairs. It’s at the top of my list for when I see my GP next, for sure!

“grow out of it” - my arse.

Through a strange series of connections I have recently established a cyber connection with a young man of 20 or so, in the midst of his universtiy studies. After years of complaining of constant fatigue in his legs often leading to pain, without ever being able to get a diagnosis, he has acquired a quality wheelchair and is making substantial use of it in public as well as in private. I wonder how my life would have been different (improved, I think) if I had found the courage at his age to go the way he is going.

On the issue of depression… There are, as all of us who have to deal with it know all too well, different levels or intensities of clinical depression. Also, people respond very differently to the various treatments; some to antidepressants and/or therapy while others have more difficulty finding a way out. I am very lucky that mine responds to a couple different forms of interventions well enough for me to adapt.
Sean, it would seem that your depression doesn’t respond readily. At least you get some solace through wheeling. In my earlier comment, I don’t know if I explained it well enough but–Sean, you are doing something here that is a very positive benefit for all of us. Not only are you bringing our group together but you have taken as public a stand on being transabled (for us paraplegic wannabes) as anyone ever has. Maybe you can see something positive there, I do. Thank you.

In my experience, clinical depression tends to be a predisposition, which is triggered by unpleasant and uncomfortable situations. While someone with clinical depression can still be crippled by it, even with a perfect life, circumstances of situational depression tend to be far more crippling to someone with this predisposition.

While we can try using antidepressants for their emotional anaesthetic effect, these meds don’t change the underlying negative situation that exacerbates it. FAR more effective than to battle the symptoms, would be to battle the causes. Unfortunately, that would be an acknowledgment that the problem is with society itself, rather than with the depressed individual.

There are a number of things that depress me - while these are legitimate causes of situational depression, my response to them is far more extreme because of my predisposition to clinical depression. To name a few: war, poverty, corruption, exploitation, and yes, a body that doesn’t match my ’self’. Of this list, the only situation that is feasible to address and resolve is the BIID - which is why it is so frustrating that so much of society dismisses the need to have my body adjusted. In a list of situational depression causes that CAN’T be fixed, the one that CAN be, society simply REFUSES to do.

Sometimes I wonder if there is a spite-based motivation in refusing to treat our conditions: People who have lost limbs, ( or become paralyzed, deaf, blind, or whatever) CAN’T have their bodies adjusted back to their optimal state, so therefore we shouldn’t be allowed to do, even though it IS possible for us.

You raise an interesting question, Kyla. Spite is a rigid reaction to someone’s actions or beliefs that disagree with one’s personal desires or beliefs. The idea that spite is what keeps doctors and hospitals from recognizing one’s identity as it relates to BIID is much the same as within the GLBT community, where people refuse to recognize that someone is GLBT identified or refuses to recognize their relationships (which is a part of all the recent legislation everywhere).

I think that just one thing additional is happening here: Whenever something (GLBT related) upsets me, my mother tells me to get down off my soap box and just move on. I think people want us to just melt away and give in to what they think our ideal lives should be. While my mom doesn’t mean any harm, she only fuels the fire, because I don’t want to just move on! I want to make changes, and I have done so.

The ways I cope with situational and clinical depression begin with me. I cannot change the situations that come at me. For instance, my car broke down twice this month, and it’s only the 20th!!! It really cost me a lot of money, and it could have sent me spiralling out of my mind if I had let it. However, I make it a point to remember that I can get my car repaired and it will work again. I look to the future, whereas before, I saw no future. There’s your dilemma. People with clinical depression often report that life has no meaning and they see no future. How you get to that point is very comprehensive–not everyone will benefit from the steps I took to get there. But trying never hurt anybody and so I talk about it all the time to help people to get themselves past that danger zone. It’s the only thing I can do for them. They must do the rest on their own.

Dr. Phil says, “You cannot change what you do not acknowledge,” and it’s absolutely right. Ever hear the little poem, “God grant me the wisdom to change what I can and realize what I cannot change”? It’s all about knowing when to say when and getting help when you need it. If you acknowledge there’s a problem, you can solve it, and that sometimes means you have to relinquish your energy for a while and let time pass and change what you cannot. It’s the only way. Beyond that, we all just have to ride the wave and surf when surf’s up.