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What Am I So Afraid Of?
Written by Claire on Monday, October 23, 2006
My days are filled with an unending succession of elation, angst, depression, normalcy, trepidation and daydreams. My nights are filled with strange dreams I don’t remember but leave me feeling frightened and anxious when they wake me in the small hours of the morning. Understand that this is the first time in my life I’ve experienced something like this. I’m not really prone to strange anxieties and mood swings.
Help - Message in a bottle
Two weeks ago I was tired of not being able to concentrate on what I was doing because I was so often thinking about being in a wheelchair. But life went on as usual, in spite of all that. It was OK. I slept well. I was comfortable. I did what I needed to do. I laughed with my friends and family. I wasn’t unhappy, just distracted. But tired of it. I just wanted to be rid of the distraction.
Then I declared myself to be a member of the transabled community and all hell broke loose. So what was it about that action that changed things so? Why should deciding to talk to other people who share the same experiences make it so much worse? It was supposed to get better. Sean told me to be prepared for a bit of a roller coaster ride. But why? What’s really different from two weeks ago? What’s happening in my head?
Don’t get me wrong. Now that the damage is done and I have become a part of the transabled community, talking about it helps. After a good chat with someone I feel more calm and cheerful and able to get on with my life. I couldn’t get by without you guys. You make it easier. It was the initial decision to accept being transabled that did it. This all started before I even really talked to any of you.
Maybe that I’m just finally dealing with it and have 30 years of all this stuff to come to terms with? But in 30 years I’ve never known it to be so intense! I don’t think that the 30 years of quiet wannabeism and devoteeism I’ve been through adds up to the last two weeks. Well…maybe it does.
And I haven’t even been thinking many wheelchair thoughts at all, just going through this strange cycle of strong emotions that don’t seem to have any real focus, no rhyme or reason. Just fear and depression that don’t seem to have any connection to reality. I don’t know what to be afraid and depressed about! So what’s going on?
Or maybe none of it is right for me and I don’t have BIID, I just talked myself into it because…because why? I don’t know why but maybe all this angst is because it’s just not right. Because I’m not supposed to be here. I’m in the wrong place.
I wish somebody would give me the answer. Or at least, their opinion. But I have this sinking feeling that I’m just going to have to wait out the ride and find out when I get there. Hope it’s a short one. (Sean, I can hear you laughing…)
[tags]Fear, Depression, Accept, Transabled, Wheelchair, BIID[/tags]This entry appears in Claire's Thoughts, Other's Thoughts, Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
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11 Comments
Claire, you are raising many interesting points. I am still not sure if I really belong to this BIID/transabled community. It seems it’s getting worse since I found it started communicating with Sean. But like for you and so many others, this has been part of my life for decades, long before I knew there are others out there who feel the same. So there must be something. I am also afraid of getting more involved but it helps and feels good to know I am not alone.
Sean: thanks. :o)
Sandy: Only time will tell what getting more involved will do to us. In a year, or two, I’ll blog on that. I just think that maybe, like most things, it has to get worse before it can get better. You have to reach the bottom before you can start climbing back up. We have to deal with a lot of pent-up emotions that maybe we didn’t even realize were there. Sean is right. A day at a time…and eventually it will be OK.
Maybe the fact to know that we can´t do anything about it, that makes me feel afraid. I have many things to share, but my english is still not enought.
I´m here !!!!
Pat, I know the frustration of needing to express complicated feelings in a foreign language in which we have an insufficient vocabulary. Keep trying. We’ll listen. Nobody will laugh at you, and we’ll try to help. We transabled all need eaach other, regardless of where we are in the world, or what language we speak.
6 On 25 October, 2006, Sean said:
I’ll be the first to vouch for the fact that many of us know what it’s like to have to express oneself in a language that isn’t your own. English for me is a 4th language…
For me English is also the 2nd or 4th language depending on what counts as a foreign language. So please forgive my mistakes and bad style sometimes. I have no problem to express myself in English but we are dealing with very personal issues here and it’s difficult to find the best words even in my own language.
I have found that getting more involved (and in this case, completely educated) generally shows you things that you never would have thought of, and often times you would rather have not gotten more involved because of those things. It seams reasonable, then, why people are afraid of learning something. Like with me, there was something in my head telling me something was different. I can now put a name to it, but sometimes that name itself causes big problems, especially with staying focused on important stuff. Don’t worry! We’re here to back you up.
I don’t know how I never saw this before, but now I have found it. I know this sounds odd, but so many of your entries feel like they were taken out of my own head that it’s unnerving. I remember that unstable period when I was really getting acquainted with it, and man was it ever hell. I know this is years past the fact but still it helps me to read that. Thankyou for sharing.
10 On 16 April, 2008, Claire said:
That’s cool Rorschach…it’s great to know that someone got something out of a post years later. It’s also great to have a record of all the stages we’ve gone through so we can say “see, I’ve been there too.”
11 On 25 November, 2008, Claire said:
Note, over 2 years later…regarding that last paragraph, I’m still on the ride. Things have calmed down considerably, but the ride hasn’t stopped.
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1 On 23 October, 2006, Sean said:
No Claire, no. I wouldn’t laugh. Well, not much… Not *at* you, but *with* you. Because I know your pain. Because it’s better to laugh than cry. Because there are no tears left in me.
As for the answer? I don’t think there is one. Just take it one day at a time, an hour at a time, a minute at a time. A breath at a time if need be. It’ll be right, one way or the other. At some point.