Blog > Thoughts > Sean's Thoughts > Unexpected reaction in therapy
Unexpected reaction in therapy
Written by Sean on Monday, April 30, 2007
I have been doing therapy for a while. I’m not directly working on transabled issues, as I don’t believe that therapy can have any effect on my Body Integrity Identity Disorder (conclusion reached after a LOT of work on that). I am working on other issues, such as relationship issues and depression. We recently started with the concept of the "wounded inner child", an idea popularised by John Bradshaw.
Some people might say that Bradshaw’s a charlatan, not a properly trained psychologist, etc. Be that as it may, his ideas work.
In any case, setting that aside, I want to tell you about something that happened today in therapy. I had been discussing my partner’s reaction to me working on my "BIID Binder", and how it felt. The word "rejected" came to mind. And it felt like who and what I am is wrong. Pretty intense negative stuff.
Later during the session, my therapist was going to draw some figures on a white board. She wanted to represent the adult me, and the inner child me. And she said she wanted to make sure to draw the right thing, and did I prefer to be represented in a chair or not?
The question took me completely by surprise. I was gobsmacked. For several seconds, I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t think either, actually.
And for the first time I can remember since my wife died, I shed tears.
Adult me and inner child.
I had to draw deep breaths, I was suddenly particularly hot, my heartbeat was somewhat faster.
Coming on the tail of talking about how my partner rejected that part of me so thoroughly, my therapist’s question felt particularly accepting. Overwhelmingly so.
But that wasn’t all there was to it. A part of it also was to decide how to be represented on the board. Immediately, I knew that the adult me needed to be in a chair. But the inner child… That was tougher.
I have had these feelings since I was 4 or 5. So in a way, I’ve always needed the chair. But I did not *actually* wheel until I was much older, in my mid-20′s. How to represent *that* accurately?
My therapist suggested to draw me (she pointed out to "never mind her drawing skills"), in a chair. I suggested she use the ISA, would make things easier. But she told me that she wanted to draw me face on. I discovered why. Once she had me represented, she sat my inner child in my lap, so he was both wheeling and not.
That felt right
And I was nearly unable to concentrate on my work for the rest of the day, because I kept thinking of that.
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5 Comments
Those moments in therapy when something sticks like that – you have to take it through, follow the path.
And I wonder if you realize how strong your words were in this post. Your partner’s rejection. Your therapist’s acceptance. How deep is that rejection? If BIID is an integral part of you, then… ? And yes, there are other people out there who accept you, BIID and all.
As for the matter of rejection/acceptance by one’s partner, it goes far beyond BIID. I know far too many people who remain in relationships where their partners require them to surrender an integral part of their identity – because of the security of the relationship, and the acceptance of other parts of their identity that they feel that they won’t find acceptance for elsewhere. It’s a question of whether the comfort of familiarity is adequate to offset the discomfort of having to be other than who one is.
I had a moment like that once. It seems to me that you have turned a corner. When that happens, people often find themselves preoccupied, just like you were, and it’s hard to overcome that feeling of comfort and elation once it begins so that you can move on with your day. My moment came exactly 6 years ago today, which was the day I came out to my family as a transsexual man. I lived with a side-tracked mind for nearly two weeks following!
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1 On 30 April, 2007, Marie said:
That’s deep. It isn’t often that shrinks ask GOOD and HELPFUL questions but when they do…