transabled.org

 

• About
• Login
• Contact
• Accessibility

Google Search:
Web transabled.org Go

 

Blog > Thoughts > Sean's Thoughts > To tell, or not to tell, and how?

To tell, or not to tell, and how?

Written by Sean on Saturday, March 4, 2006

I was speaking to someone who made contact yesterday, and one of the things I was asked was about the best way to tell someone close about the fact you’re transabled. Frankly, I don’t know that I’m the best person to ask for advice on that. My batting average is not that good all things considered. But nonetheless, here are a few thoughts on the topic…

The closet is a dark and lonely place.

First, you have to decide whether you want to come out of the closet or not. That’s always a scary proposition. And I think that you have to pick whom you tell. There’s probably a cost/benfit analysis that you’ll want to run. Should you tell your parents or not? Should you tell your friends? Should you tell your partner/spouse?

I have found that people who didn’t know me tended to be more accepting of my wheeling than people who knew me as a walker discovering I prefer to wheel, or people knowing me as a wheeler learning that I can, in fact, walk. So in theory, it should be easier to tell complete strangers before you start any level of relationship with them, but that’s not quite how Real Life works, is it?

Personally, I told my parents, mostly because I felt I needed to. It’s caused no end of grief, but perhaps in the end it’s all for the better. As I said recently, my mother’s coming to visit, and she’s fully expecting to see me in the chair. Not happy about it, but she’s ready for it. So, they still don’t understand (and I can’t blame them for that), but at least, my mum is starting to reconcile herself to the idea that it’s not going away. Too bad it took 15 years for that to happen!

Telling friends is a tricky bit. Some will freak out and abandon you. Some will just shrug and say you’re weird. Some may go "oh, that’s kinda odd, show me your wheelchair". I think you can get a whole range of reactions with that. In the end, you have to decide why you want to tell each friend.

And no matter whom you tell, you have to be ready for the worse reaction possible. You may very well lose the friend, break up your relationship, see your parents disinherit you. Bad Stuff™ may happen when you tell people. In fact, Bad Stuff will happen, no two ways about it. But you have to decide if the bad will outweigh the good, or vice versa.

Timing is everything I think. Well, not *everything*, but really important. At the same time, there just never is the right time. There’s always going to be a good reason NOT to tell. Pick your time, stick to it, and go for it.

How much do you tell? I probably would stop before pointing out that you are actively seeking a way to self-injure. That would be grounds to get you throw in a mental institution, which you surely don’t want! But as an introductory session, you might want to simply say something about your feelings in wide strokes, without too many specifics.

It may help to have information about it, such as BIID being slowly recognised as a "real" thing. It may help to have supporting evidence that you’re not the only one with these feelings (like my website). Conversely, these may not help at all.

I had one person tell me that they told their wife by sitting them at the computer and getting them to read my site. This was rather less than more successful, the wife was shocked at first, then appeared to be accepting, then she locked the guy out of the house and changed the locks and asked for a divorce! That’s not to say that telling a friend about you this way may work for you if you’re unable to really discuss the issue and it’s easier for you to answer questions. Perhaps it depends on the level and depth of the relationship you have with that person. If it’s a romantic partner you’ve been with for a long time, it would be more difficult than if it’s a "buddy".

Writing letters is often a way to approach it. It gives time to both parties to digest the information and potentially avoids big ugly fights. But it doesn’t necessarily make things easier. Perhaps you’ll end up harassed by txt messages and emails.

You really shouldn’t tell people if you aren’t solid in who and what you are first. It’s hard enough to have those feelings, and it’s easy enough to pile guilt and shame on top of yourself for feeling those. After you’ve told loved ones, they will pile even more guilt and shame, and you have to be ready to be on the receiving end of that.

The thing is, particularly if you’re starting in a romantic relationship with someone, you really *should* tell. I was talking about timing, and this is where it becomes critical. If you tell them on the first date, you run the very real risk that they’d run away kicking and screaming, horrified by what you told them. If you wait too long, then when you eventually do tell them, they’ll justifiably feel lied to and you’ll have breached the trust by not telling them about this big part of you. Both of these situations happened to me…

Anyway, enough of this for now, I’ll let you ponder and decide if you do come out, and how. And I wish you luck.

Twitter Updates

Follow me on Twitter