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Blog > Thoughts > Sean's Thoughts > To a dear friend

To a dear friend

Written by Sean on Monday, February 5, 2007

Dear friend,

I started writing this letter a few days ago, but in the meantime, your situation has changed. I struggled with the decision to finish writing the letter, thinking perhaps it wasn’t worth it. But in the end, when all is said and done, I do want to tell you these things. Why am I opting for the medium of a "public" letter? Simply because I feel that some of what I say may benefit other transabled individuals struggling with similar issues.

You’ve decided to move back in with your parents. You’ve let your parents convince you that this is the best thing for you. This decision involves, among other things, getting rid of your wheelchair, and not coming online anymore. I understand you feel stuck, that being with your parents is the only way to handle the financial pit you’ve dug yourself in.

I want to tell you to get away from them as far as you can, without looking back. They don’t understand your BIID. They don’t understand your depression. The climate you are moving back to is the one that caused you to be the way you are to begin with.

You’re depressed. I know just how it feels. I’ve been there before, more times than I care to remember. You’re tearing up at nothings, you have no desire to do anything, you find no pleasure in the things that used to interest you, you are lonely, you’re worried about nothing and everything, you don’t do the things you know you should do (like paying rent).

I’m not nagging you, but you have to do something about it. Being at home with your parents is not enough. Their likely suggestion that "all will be well if you just go to church, renew your Faith and pray" is not the solution. I’m not saying that your Faith can’t help, provide some support, but it will not SOLVE the issue(s). It would be somewhat like a parent taking their disabled kid to a Faith healer, praying for a miracle.

What you have can no more be resolved by prayers alone than a physical disability, only the difference is, since it’s "all in your head", it can’t be touched, it can’t be x-rayed, too many people, including your parents, will want to say it can be solved easily. It can’t.

You are so desperate for touch that you were willing to drive a hundred kilometers to go to your parent’s home to cuddle your cat, despite your mother screeching at you and thinking you’re an abomination for being transabled. You’re probably so depressed that you’re thinking "any port in the storm", and are willing to put up with going home to your parents, in a less than acceptable environment. Be careful, do take care of yourself, don’t buy that message from them.

Moving back with your parents means leaving your wheelchair behind. Your wheelchair is one of the few things that helped you handle the transabled feelings. Moving back with your parents means having no connection to the internet. Your only real supports are your friends on the internet, those who *understand* your transabled feelings. By moving back, you are cutting out your only supports for BIID. High transabled feelings will reinforce your depression. You’re digging yourself deep in an emotional pit that you will have more and more trouble getting out of.

And what about your job? Are you quiting before the end of the contract? That can’t be good on your resume. Or are you commuting nearly 50 miles each way until the end of the contract? And if you’re commuting, how are you going to explain that you don’t use a wheelchair anymore?

In the past, I have supported, nurtured and assisted you. However, there are things I simply can’t do for you, things you must do for yourself. I’ve suggested therapy, I’ve suggested trying meds. These may actually help you get out of the depth of the depression you’re finding yourself in. But you did nothing to help yourself. Like the proverbial horse, I can lead you to water, but I can’t make you drink it.

I’m sorry you feel I’m not "there" for you more. I’m hanging by a thread myself. I have barely enough energies to get through my day, I don’t have much to give out. I feel for you, but I can’t do it for you. I can’t take you by the hand and bring you to see the medicos. I won’t nag. You know what you have to do, and even through the cloud of depression fogging your brain, you need to take action.

I can’t enable you by remaining silent, by indulging your need to have me pretend all is hunkey dorey, by going along with your internet window shopping, your drooling about chairs. I can’t "play nice" and be supportive of your move back to your parents, even though you may feel it’s the only option you have. I’ve done that myself, oh, aye, I’ve done it. Believe me, there likely isn’t any stupid-ass thing you’ve done that I haven’t done long before you. But I pulled myself by the bootstraps at some point.

I’m not telling you to snap out of it. I know better, I know just how difficult that is. I think there’s a saying out there. "Help yourself and God will help you". You have to start somewhere, you have to do it.

And perhaps you’ll prove me wrong. Perhaps your move back to your parents is you helping yourself, actually getting on the road of responsibility, where YOU do things for YOURSELF, not because a parent or a friend thinks it’s what you should do.

Is this move back to your parents a sign that your potential move abroad to study is not going to happen? Or are you still wanting to make that happen? Because if you do, you must resolve, or work on, these issues you’re having. Being thousands of miles away, across oceans, with no recourse to run back to your parents if you fall down this time, is not the way to go.

And if you *are* still planning on going, make sure you go for the right reasons. Don’t let the fancy build, and overtake you. Escaping your problems by moving, by running faster than you think they are, it’s not going to solve anything. Take it from someone who’s moved more than twice as many times as you have seen birthdays: this kind of escapism never works. The problems always come back. In fact, the problems never leave. If you don’t address them, sooner rather than later, they’ll leave you a babbling puddle, an even bigger wreck than you are now.

I am your friend, and I do care.

Do take care of yourself. For yourself, not for me. You’re worth it.

[tags]Wheelchair, Transabled, Parent, Moving, BIID, Work, Faith, Escape, Problems, Issues, Depression[/tags]

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