Blog > Thoughts > Sean's Thoughts > There’s a knot in my stomach
There’s a knot in my stomach
Written by Sean on Tuesday, February 6, 2007
There’s a knot in my stomach, an empty space, something missing. I go to bed, it’s there. I wake up, it’s there. Day after day after day after week, it’s there. It’s a constant longing, an interminable and endless ride.
Make it stop, please, make it stop. Shoot me out of my misery.
You doctors so intent on making sure you do no harm, your refusal to help is destroying me, as surely as if you were to give me wee doses of arsenic every day. You might as well give me the arsenic, because it just might be better to be dead than to continue living with that pit in the stomach, the near certainty that I’ll never be whole.
You, good citizen who has no problem, how can you possibly conceive of what it’s like to go through life, feeling incomplete, feeling like a fish out of water? I envy your ignorant bliss.
It’s late, I’ve had a headache all day, I’ve had a pit in my stomach all life. I’m going to bed. Tomorrow might see me free of the migraine. Tomorrow will surely NOT see me free of the need to be paraplegic.
Life’s a bitch, and then you die. Right now, I’d rather the later to be sooner.
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6 Comments
They had a saying in my Spinal Unit.
“Lifes a bitch, and then you live!”
P
3 On 6 February, 2007, Claire said:
Paradox, I have a theory that because we’re mentally ill, and have no professional support, we can’t handle our lot in life quite as well as you guys handle yours. What do you think? Could that be true? Or is that total bullshit?
Listen Freind I know the pain in your soul.My need to have my leg amputated is strong as your need to be a paraplegic.Through your posting i can feel you anguish.You need to let it out in private or with someone who understands.You can cotact me at iclisious@yahoo.com either by e-mail or im.I am always willing to listen and talk.Hit me up anytime you want.
Still the solution evades most of us with the desire to be paralyzed and amputated..?
Its like having a war inside your head..who will be the winner ? Will it be the side of you that wants to be crippled..or the side of you that wants to be free of this desire..?
6 On 7 February, 2007, Sean said:
Matthew, thanks for your offer. I am letting it out, both in public through this site and in private with other transabled individuals. I’ll keep your email in mind.
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1 On 6 February, 2007, Claire said:
My dear friend,
Hang in there. You know this thing waxes and wanes. Right now, it’s on the upswing, but it will ease up, and allow you some time to breathe. Yes, it will come back again, but the times when it eases up allow us to recharge our batteries and go on. Concentrate on that.
And reach out to a friend when you need one. We’re here.
Claire