transabled.org

I struggle with this too but because of GID. People assume that because I am female I menstruate and can share a common experience. Am I responsible for their false assumption? I have decided that I am not. I will attempt to deflect and change the topic should anything that could lead to me being outed be brought up.

Of course, if directly asked: “Are you a transsexual” I will answer honestly. I will not lie but I will not willfully put myself in a situation where I will be forced to admit the truth.

And that should be fun when I may be asked to explain how I became deaf… loud sounds? Not real glamorous…

There is currently an interesting parallel discussion to this, dealing with “truth – lies”,
going on over in this Yahoo Group:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/fiftiesinbracesclub/messages

The thread begins with message #4421, dated
October 8th, 2007, and contiues.

I know Claire is a member there and we’ve taken
interest in her past comments relating to BIID.

Thanks.

/Art

This is a difficult topic. It does raise ethical and moral dilemna. I do believe that most people couldn’t handle the truth, and it is for their protection as much as ours that we have to lie.

As sufferers of a mental illness, we may not be capable of making entirely rational decisions about whether or not to lie

I’ve been pondering this. I think we have to be careful here. On the one hand, most studies show that people who have BIID are not delusional, nor irrational. Then, there’s the fact that it would be easy to just use the excuse of a secondary mental health issue to explain away our lies.

To me, it’s more about the fact that BIID doesn’t give us a choice as to whether or not to “pretend”. And Society doesn’t give us much wiggle room as to the reason it’ll accept as to why we use a chair, hearing aids, a white cane, crutches, whatever. Between those two factors, we sometimes do have to tell lies.

It would be too easy to abandon our responsibility and blame it on the fact that we have BIID. We can’t devolve this responsibility. We must do it in some cases, and it isn’t pallatable, but we shouldn’t be absolved of responsibility just because of having BIID.

@Sean: I agree with you Sean that we’re not delusional nor irrational…EXCEPT when it comes to our BIID. The desire to have a working part of our body removed or put out of commission is indeed irrational. When it comes to our BIID, we’re irrational.

@Art: I’ll check it out, thanks!

@Marie: That is a really interesting thought. If someone came right out and asked me, “Do you have BIID” (or more likely “Are you a wannabe”) I really don’t know what I’d do. I’d probably panic, and not sure how I’d respond in that panicked state.

Nosiness, especially about a medical condition (and that’s what we’ve got), is rude. No one has to answer rude questions. Change the subject. If they persist, change it again. Or wheel away.

Brice, while I agree that it’s plain rude, the fact is, people are nosy. People ask. If you answer something vague, they ask some more. In well over 12 years of nearly full time wheeling, I’ve been asked, repeatedly, and in various forms “what’s wrong with you”. Yes, you can change the topic, say it’s none of their business, whatever, but sometimes, it’s just not appropriate either.

Ah, there are times when my Southern (US) upbringing does come in handy.

The lady being questioned raises her eyebrows and says, “I beg your pardon?” Haughtiness is permitted. In fact, encouraged.

The gentleman being questioned puts on his sternest face and says, “I prefer not to discuss it.” Gruffness is permitted. In fact, encouraged.

In both cases, should the questioner persist, a silent glare is the answer.

Or you could say, “My karma ran over my dogma. Ouch.”

Jen, as I was trying to explain in response to Brice, that type of answer is not always appropriate.

I think politely declining to go into depth is good with acquaintances and random people in the supermarket, but the situation changes when you are going to be forming longer relationships with people. As I see it, at some point a level of disclosure beyond a “rare neurological condition” is expected.

Well of course you don’t lie to the significant other. My point was that you don’t have to (ahem) “share” with strangers or mere acquaintances, who really have no business asking. The “Mind your own business” message delivered in gentle, nonoffensive but non-negotiable terms is always appropriate. In short, IMHO you never have to lie.

Well, Brice, I disagree. Perhaps having lived for well over a decade as a full time wheelchair users I’ve encountered more situations of people asking me why I was in a chair than you might have. I won’t go into details here, but there are indeed many situations where one almost has to give *some* answer to the question “why are you in a chair”.

There are a ton of people in our lives who are more than “mere acquaintances” but with whom we are not nearly intimate enough to tell the full truth. Example: co-workers, in-laws, and other people who we see daily or very regularly. They don’t have the right to the full truth and yet they are close enough that brushing them off, even gently, would be offensive and suspicious.

WHY is it so important…what other people think.
If what other people think IS that important, what do we tell them should we be able to legitimately obtain what we want by surgery?

It becomes real, full time and no going back. What happens when one obtains the desired disability, possibly overnight, without some traumatic event or disease causing the disability?

There will certainly be alot of ‘splainin’ to do then.

BIID is a very personal issue. How we deal with it is our own business and nobody else’s. Others will never likely grasp it, there will always be prejudice and stupid comments, reaction, attitiudes from others. So, #!$$ all of them. Do not give them the satisfaction of making us feel bad by worrying how they will react to us.
Do not let the worthless opinions of others mess with how we handle ourselves. Pick a plausible story and stick with it. This is about our own sanity and happiness, not others. We are under NO obligation to make sure others are comfortable with us.

Different strokes for different folks dude.

We all have different levels of comfort on this and you are apparently strong enough to live that way. Personally I just can’t see living wheeling without eve divulging anything true or false to some of the closer relationships I would be bound to encounter.

It’s something akin to instinct for me to care what other people think. It doesn’t really make sense when you think about it logically like that but as I’ve found that emotional issues rarely respond well to purely logical solutions.

I find it very frustrating. I certainly do not sit in judgement of anybody who contributes here; I spent too much time in judgement of myself. Please do not get me wrong. I have much empathy for all of us. BIID tore me up for so many years, I have been able to make peace with myself and accept BIID and love it (and WANT it) as much as I accept the colour of my own eyes.(@#&* the cure unless it is surgery!!)

What does tear me up are people who seem to suffer from the peripheral stuff in our lives. Clearly, most of the people here are dealing with BIID and are somewhat if not totally comfortable with themselves and my heart goes out to each and every one. I am extremely happy with myself now, the albatross is no longer around my neck. I am totally free, I hope others have or will very soon achieve what I have. I just hate to see people who seem to enjoy living as their “proper selves” at times still be so torn up and indeed suffering perhaps even more over the peripheral stuff.

I’m commenting because Claire asked me to. Truth be told, I don’t feel qualified to offer an opinion. But she asked, so I will.

It’s interesting. Though Ronald is for the exact opposite tactic of what I’m about to recommend, our reasons are the same:

“I just hate to see people who seem to enjoy living as their “proper selves” at times still be so torn up and indeed suffering perhaps even more over the peripheral stuff.”

I think, when you begin to create an intricate web of lies and stories, of deceit and false issues, that you inherently create an entire additional set of problems. Telling the truth (when forced), though the hardest route, may truly be the easiest course LONG TERM. I’m in agreement that day-to-day acquaintances should be offered minimal info — the bare necessity required to satisfy people. Most will be happy with, “I have a neurological condition. I have to sometimes use a wheelchair.” I’ve used a wheelchair 25 years. I’m rarely ever asked and, when I am, the simplest responses are generally more than enough.

For those who are close to us, there can ONLY be the truth. I revealed my desires to my future wife about 12 years ago, almost to the day. If they can not be brought around to handling the truth then we must be prepared to handle the fall out. I am not from a close family. I would not think of sharing this with them, screw them and their judgement and little minds. If I show up one day after surgery, it will have been caused by a blood clot, by the time I got to see a doctor it was too late, and that is that. Same story for any passerby who cares to ask the question.

So, a few lies are not a problem in my book. To most people, they want things delivered in a neat little package, something that will not upset them nor challenge them to think beyond their little comfort zone.

We are not deceiving them to gain their sympathy or pity, or for that matter any advantage so there is realy no fraud.