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Home / Thoughts / Other's Thoughts / Sweet Anticipation

Sweet Anticipation

Written by Claire on Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Tomorrow I’m going on my first outing in public as a wheelchair user. I talked to someone yesterday who is my age and who first wheeled in public in 1989. I am 17 years behind! I wonder if that means the moment will be all the more sweet for all this waiting, or only that I’ve suffered 17 years of extra anguish because I’m so gutless. Correction: I was so gutless. Tomorrow, I’m doing it.

Tomorrow I’m packing my bags and driving 2.5 hours to a town where no one knows me, and spending two nights there. I’m not doing anything special, I’m going to go to the mall, and to Wal-Mart, and check into a wheelchair accessible hotel room, and eat in restaurants, and see a movie. All in my wheelchair. In fact, my goal is to not stand up from the time I leave the house until the time I return. Though I’ve travelled all over the world and regularly go abroad, and take the occasional dream vacation, I have never been more excited about a voyage as I am about this 2-night trip to this small nearby town. And it’s just because I’m finally going to have a small taste of real life in a wheelchair.

I’m going not ever having negotiated a curb cut, not ever having gone through a commercial door, not ever having wheeled outside, not ever having encountered snow and ice, not ever having done anything except wheel around the house and practice going up and down a little 3-inch step in our basement. I hope I don’t get myself into trouble. But I probably will.

The hardest part will be purchasing new tires. I’m going to go to the wheelchair store to get new tires and have them put on. This rather terrifies me because I’m afraid they’ll know me for a fraud. Yes, I still have those feelings. I’m afraid of being found out, afraid it will be obvious that I’m not a real wheelchair user. I know, intellectually, that my psychological need for this chair is as valid as anyone else’s physical need for a wheelchair, and yet, knowing how most of the rest of the world feels about it, I’m a little paranoid. But I’m going to do it anyway, because it needs to be done, and regardless of what anyone else thinks about it, it’s OK. I am a real wheelchair user because I really need to use a wheelchair. It’s so simple, and yet, eludes so many. Buying new tires might possibly turn out to be the bravest thing I’ve ever done.

So after tomorrow it will be official. I will be a wheelchair pretender. I can’t believe it’s come this far. But I’m excited, and happy, and looking forward to the future. Wish me luck. I’ll tell you all about it when I get home.

Tags: wheelchair, pretenders, pretending, transabled, BIID