Blog > Thoughts > Sean's Thoughts > Self – as in preservation vs. injury
Self – as in preservation vs. injury
Written by Sean on Sunday, March 11, 2007
I was thinking about self-injury. Well, not so much was as am, on and off. I was pondering a method I’ve heard is relatively safe and whether I could do it or not (and no, don’t ask, I don’t give out that information). And I was thinking, when it comes down to it, would I be able to do it? That is, would I be able to take those last steps.
I’ve been accused of not wanting it bad enough. I’ve been told “If you really wanted it, you’d do it”. But I do want it (albeit on my own terms, which may be perceived as being arrogant, so be it). I don’t know however that I’ll attempt self-injury. Not unless someone else does it for me. And this is not cowardice, it is a simple acceptance that one’s self-preservation instincts is stronger than can be controlled.
I’ve been saying for years that it is not possible for someone that isn’t paralysed to wheel, and not use their legs at all, all the time. There comes a point throughout the day where the body MUST MOVE. It takes over and you have to move, whether you want to or not. Self-preservation in action.
I recently found an interesting quote describing this on a site discussing suicide (and no, I’m not about to kill myself). Euclid Kupfer says:
Everyone concentrates on the mechanical aspects such as which pills to take, where one can jump, where to aim, but hardly anyone makes it clear that the most important thing is to have a practical way of overcoming the instinct to live and the fear which is present. Most people, if they honestly consider the matter that there is, in the first place, *no* such method, simply ignore the problem.
For example: When using a shotgun the critical point is that the moment one pulls the trigger is very difficult and requires unbelievable will power.
I remember my one suicide attempt. I had left the seatbelt on. Totalled the car, walked away with a couple scratches. Silly.
And so one can relate this instinct to live to the instinct to avoid injury. And I’d hate to attempt something, and miss. I’d hate to attempt to destroy my spinal cord, but destroy my kidney instead. I’d hate to try and give myself an injection, but somehow miss and end up without paralysis but chronic pain.
Perhaps it is cowardice in the end. But if a doctor can’t do it for me, I’d need someone else to do it for me. Heck, I’d even pay a thug to stick a knife in my back, but thugs are unreliable, and no physician (although one might argue that some medicos *are* thugs). Only, there really isn’t anyone to ask, is there? It’s not fair to ask a loved one. It’s not fair to ask my dad, who says he wants to help me deal with this, but the only way to deal with it is to become a para. It’s just not fir to ask anyone. And asking yourself, well, there’s the rather real possibility that your instincts would override your actions at the last minute.
[tags]Self-Injury, Suicide, Self-Preservation, Instinct, Spinal+Cord, Cowardice[/tags]This entry appears in Sean's Thoughts, Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
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3 Comments
2 On 11 March, 2007, Sean said:
Hello Kyla,
Thanks for commenting :) I think your analysis is correct on both counts.
I like your point that it would not be a suicide attempt, not a self-injury attempt, rather an attempt to align oneself. I don’t know how many people would make that distinction though :(
As for “there will be a point beyond which…”, I reached that point, and went past it, and am still not a para. Death doesn’t worry me. I don’t want to die, but there are days I just don’t want to continue living like this. It’s not death I’m afraid off. It’s missing my attempt at paralysis and end up with a traumatic brain injury, or terminal kidney failure, or any number of “unwanted” conditions. Grok?
Quite. In my case, my fear is not ending up dead. It’s ending up still alive and damaged – but, far worse than either dead or damaged, with the unwanted limbs still attached. Society has a strong belief that when such an attempt at alteration (they call it ‘mutilation’) of the body fails, it has an obligation to prevent any further attempts from being made, much less successful – and it has very little interest in even examining the underlying reasons for the attempt.
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1 On 11 March, 2007, Kyla said:
I have found the same to be the case, on both major points you make here:
(1) No matter how much we want to avoid ‘cheating’ when simulating our needed condition, there are times when the body responds contrary to our desires – simply because it is able to do.
(2) When it comes to the point of actually deliberately inflicting ‘damage’ on one’s own body, there is a very strong automatic defence mechanism that seems to seize motor control away from one. That said, there does come a point where the discomfort or pain of living with a given condition becomes SO extreme that it provides an adequate drive to overcome that natural resistance.
Based on the progression of my own condition, I fully expect that there will be a point beyond which, if a safe, surgical method does not become available, I will be making the attempt to adjust my body to my needs – even knowing damn well that it’s more likely to kill me than to succeed. The attempt is not one of suicide, nor is it for ‘self-injury’ – these are merely highly probably side-effects of the attempt to meet my needs for my body, and ones for which the risk is becoming closer and closer to acceptable for me.