Blog > Thoughts > Sean's Thoughts > Youtube, Irresistible At Times
Youtube, Irresistible At Times
Written by Sean on Wednesday, December 30, 2009
I did something silly this morning, and I’m still "paying the price". Somehow, I ended up on Youtube and watched one video about a triple amputee drinking beer out of her leg prosthesis. From there, it wasn’t long before I watched clips of paraplegics, and that was doom.
From one video about that amputee, to another, and a third, I just followed the "what’s related". I’m not a devotee, there is no real reason for me to watch these videos. I am definitely curious, but that’s about it. Yet, I watched several. Perhaps I knew what my next step was going to be, and I was trying to avoid it, I’m not too sure.
Like a moth to a flame, I ended up watching videos of paraplegics. I call those "floppy legs" videos. There is no sexual interest there. Only a deep and intense longing. I want those atrophied legs. I imagine myself in the place of the paralysed individual. That is part of my BIID. It is so deep it hurts physically. I know that’s the reaction I’ll have before even loading up Youtube, and yet, I go back. I am not too sure why. It isn’t like I actually *like* this pain.
I busied myself with different chores and tasks for the day. But it hasn’t really erased the longing. Even the most engrossing video game isn’t sufficient to the task of trully distracting me.
Do you do such things? Do you have any idea why I do this?
Tags: Atrophy, BIID, Devotee, Paralysed, Paraplegic
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1 On 30 December, 2009, Chloe said:
Two years ago I did this a lot. I was in a phase where I was trying to convince myself that I didn’t actually want to be paralysed, that it was just a fantasy. I thought if I found out enough about the reality, I would find things that might discourage me. Everything had exactly the opposite effect. My reaction to those videos is identical to yours, Sean; nothing sexual, but an intense longing so deep that it hurts.
These days the urge manifests mostly as watching movies in which paraplegia plays some part. I think at this point it’s just that the identification with the character who is paralysed is so complete that the movie watching experience is substantially intensified.
I am aware that those Youtube videos don’t help me in any way, except in so far as some of them offer useful tips in transfers, getting dressed, etc. I guess it’s just normal psychology to be interested in people who already have what we seek.