Home / Thoughts / Sean's Thoughts / What Do I Need To Do To Be Heard?
What Do I Need To Do To Be Heard?
Written by Sean on Sunday, February 8, 2009
I’m running out of voice. I’ve been saying the same thing for so long, I fear people think I’m a broken record. I fear I’ve dulled the impact of my own anguish by trying to raise a reaction from people. Not you, the reader who is transabled, because you know. But the others. The doctors, the surgeons, the psychiatrists, all the medical people who have vowed to help people. I don’t feel heard. What will it take for people to notice me?
Oh, I know, several of them are hearing me, and are empathising with me and are wanting to help, in ways they can, which is usualy not a lot. My GP is trying to find an anaesthetist for an epidural. This is wonderful news. But after the one, I’ll need another, and then I’ll know I really do need to be paralysed. Some other people are doing studies about the effectiveness of amputation to help with BIID. Yeah, I’ve been asking about that for years. But the very same people recognise that even if elective amputations are somewhat accepted, the battle would have to be done all over again for people needing paralysis, because the "condition is so much more involved". Yeah, ok, so what?
Ready to jump from the top of a building. Photo credit Kr. B.
I recently reconnected with someone I used to know very well, and care for very much. For a number of reasons we lost track of one another for nearly 8 years. This person has some serious drug dependency issues. They told me that they want to understand me, and want me to talk to them, which I’ve done. They’ve also said that one thing they could never accept was if I were to harm myself. Now, here is someone who intimately knows the emotional pain and anguish one can have (no, I’m not comparing BIID to an addiction). Yet, they can’t accept "harming" oneself. I suggested an hypothetical question: What if they could get rid of any desire for drug, of addiction, of emotional trauma of having been abused, all that stuff, for the price of losing one leg. I haven’t received a response yet.
But I’m explaining this to all who will listen. I’m repeating myself. Over and over. I’m running out of voice. I’m running out of hope.
It’s a simple equation, really. The only thing that we know helps with BIID is surgery. I have tried just about every other thing that might remotely help, to no avail. I cannot self-injure "safely", while guaranteeing the injury I need. Nobody in the medical community is either able or willing to help. That means that I am condemned to live this way. It’s more surviving than living anyway.
Looking at it from a detached, unemotional point of view, death is the only answer. The amount of pain is exceeding my ability to cope with it. And there is no way rescue to be expected from the only people who could help, the medical folks.
Mind you, I’m not suicidal, I’m not about to do anything to kill myself. But I compute and re-compute the equation and I arrive at the same solution. Perhaps one of my premises is erroneous, hence the solution skewed. Please show me that it is, show me where the logic is going wrong, if it is.
In the meantime, I’m daydreaming about climbing some tall building and sitting on a ledge ’till someone notices me. And when they send someone to talk me out of it, I’ll tell them that the only way they’ll stop me from jumping is if they break my back there and then. Which of course they wouldn’t, they’d just promise to do it and catch me and lock me up in the looney bin. Then they’d treat me, drug me, "therapise", and realise that nothing of that helps, so they’d release me. And I’d do it all over again.
Or perhaps I should hold up a bank, and if I’m caught, then I can take hostages and make demands to be made paraplegic. Maybe I’d end up in jail, but who cares, as long as I was a para. If I get away with it, then I have money to pay for a black market surgeon to do my back. Oh, what? That’s right, there’s no known black market surgeon that will do spinal cord transections. Fucked no matter how I look at it, then.
"Oye Oye! Hear me!"
WTF have I done to them that they won’t help?
Tags: BIID, Doctor, Paraplegic, Spinal Cord Transection, Suicide, Surgery, Therapist
This entry appears in Sean's Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.
2 Comments
2 On 8 February, 2009, Sean said:
No, I have not found a way to get to Frankfurt. It takes too much money, and with our dollar getting so weak compared to the US$, and with the cost of last minute flying, it would take a miracle to see me in Germany at those dates. Though any independently wealthy sugar mums who want to fund my trip are welcome to contact me :) I have a passport and am ready to travel ;)
Post your comments
© transabled.org - 1994-2010 - All Rights Reserved.
1 On 8 February, 2009, Katie said:
Instead of an answer - have you found a way to go to this conference in Frankfurt? Maybe that would really lead to a step forward?