1) Man, when you miss even a month of stuff, there is a WHOLE ton of backlog, which is usually read late at night on weekends…

2) When I was in middle school (a few years ago, my doesn’t time fly!), one week I was having a hard time with BIID, having just returned from a trip to visit mom where I can (could) pretend. Well, we were doing something in our language arts class, and some insignificant event happened and I just couldn’t control my emotions any longer… I had an emotional breakdown in the middle of class (which is embarrassing enough, but not being able to explain it is even worse). It took a few hours (of softly sobbing in the counsellor’s office, hinting that there was a much bigger problem that I actually refused to talk about, aka BIID) to get back to a functional level, and after that I was emotionally shaken for a few months. BIID is really nasty when its bad… and a big nuisance when its good.

By the way… Sometimes I wonder what effect telling that person about BIID would have had, but that would be for a full post about me to have it make any sense.

I do feel justified, however, in feeling that the clinic itself is reluctant to work with me, considering that it’s been just about a year that I’ve been trying to get help from them.

@Brice, thanks for clarifying for me :)

Your shrink took leave to have surgery mostly likely because he needed the surgery. Not because he has it in for you.

I think I made a mistake. I took my experience and thought it might be similar for others. This is most often wrong. Sorry.

When I reach the ground, I don’t lose grip with reality, but find the firm ground of the more real reality. It leads me back to what really is important. I lose a lot of control, and that hurts and is good at the same time. But I haven’t lost myself (my real, inner self) in this development.

But maybe I haven’t been to the abyss, only to the ground, and there’s a difference.

It all sounds as if you could really do with a counselor/therapist. Is there only this one person around whom you don’t really trust and who is not available at the moment?

You mentioned an institution. A friend of mine said that after spending months in such a place, he was really better. I’m not so certain.

Maybe you could need a rest somewhere else – not in an institution, but take some time off, just for yourself, “take the waters”, in a resort where you have somebody to talk, can do something for your body etc.

Was there aggression and anger when your bread turned too dark? When I get aggressive after “failure”, it is a sign that I constantly judge myself and what I do. It is better to take a rest and to cry and to be compassionate with myself. Even self-pitying is better…

But of course, these are just things I say from my perception and experience. Everybody has to find his/her own way to deal with oneself, BIID and other problems…

I wish you good sleep!

I hope that your mood will be better when you overcome the flu or what it was.

When I am really down, when all my tactics fail, then there is only one option: Let myself fall until I reach the ground. Taste the bitter drink until it is empty. You say you fall without a parachute. Let yourself fall. Only when you reach the ground you can start climbing again.

Sometimes it is necessary to let go of everything, even the “I”. There is a core of life and of yourself that one can perceive better when one has fallen down to pieces, paradoxically.

“Die Träne quillt! Die Erde hat mich wieder” (Goethe; “the tear wells, earth has me back again”).

There’s a nice text about crying here: http://www.info3.de/ycms/printartikel_1669.shtml (in German, I try to translate in an abridged version:)

In each tear pain materialises. Tears are the drops of blood of the wounds of the soul. Like blood they do not only show the injury, but also are a remedy.

I can suppress this remedy. I can swallow my tears. But they will make a knot in my throat.

Who cries, makes him/herself free. He does no longer neglect or repress what lives in him or her, he/she expresses himself/herself.

When it hurts deep down in us, then we may cry and only the salty tears enable us to transform an untangible pain into a human, sensual experience and finally into knowledge.

I hope you have somebody in whose arms you can hide and cry.

As with you, these things produce a marked increase in depression symptoms for me. But you and I will both feel better emotionally when physical health returns.

There IS always hope, no matter what. Wish I was there to give you a big hug.

Thinking of you.

~ Chloe