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Home / Thoughts / Sean's Thoughts / Transabled feelings: room for anything else?

Transabled feelings: room for anything else?

Written by Sean on Sunday, May 8, 2005

For the last month, not one single day where I haven’t thought about the transabled "thing". It’s always in the back of my mind, if not shoving its way to the forefront. I can still function, going through the motions (perhaps simply out of habit), but the moment I stop concentrating on what’s happening right in front of me, my thoughts snap back to my need to be a para.

It’s taking all my energies to not just slip into a hole and disappear there. Basic survival is difficult. I don’t have a lot of spare change left for much else. Don’t ask me to feel enthusiastic about life. I manage to be civil, even nice, to my friends, familly, acquaintances, because I make it a priority. But that’s also difficult to accomplish. It might even be at my own detriment. Because to hold it together enough that I don’t turn completely anti-social is draining the limited pool of energy available to me.

When I feel like this and life is pretty much routine, I can slide by. My partner will know I’m not at the top of my form, but I can put a face up and fool the majority of other people around me. No point in showing the depth of pain I’m going through, nor to expose myself to those people who’d not understand, or didn’t ask for such an onslaught of emotions. Afterall, our society requires us to keep the proverbial british "stiff upper lip", or some such.

But when there are events in my life that stray away from routine, where do I find the “ooomph” to keep going? I don’t know. Somehow, there seems to always be a little bit more "toothpaste in the tube", you can squeeze a little bit more and still a bit more. But at some point, it’ll run out, won’t it? Or the tube’s gonna give out. Or something nasty is going to happen.

I wish… I wish it was possible to crawl under a rock and disappear. Not because I’m ashamed, those feelings left me a long time ago. But that kind of disapearing act would perhaps let me concentrate on me, myself, and I.

Is it egoistic to want to do that? Considering that if I don’t do it, I’ll fall apart at the seams, like if I’d been flayed, and I’d be no good to anyone anyway. So perhaps being egoistic for this next bit is what needs to happen to be available for others later. I just don’t bloody know.

I know it hurts. I know I want it to stop hurting. Ohhh, poor me, bitch bitch, whine whine. Get a grip.