transabled.org

Sure you didn’t get those injuries trying to paralyze yourself?

It’s tempting to say “Hang in there buddy. Things can change.” Or “Have you tried blah de blah medication?” Such platitudes seem ridiculous at this point, so I’m not going there. In fact this comment isn’t about you. It’s about me. Yes, this is going to be a long selfish rambling narcissistic rant about MY feelings.

I’ll start with yesterday. We had a public groundbreaking ceremony for the new part of the hospital they’re building. The state governor attended and gave a speech. He made a comment that probably all of us have a friend or family member who is affected by mental illness. No kidding!!! I ran through my mind trying to find anybody I know who is NOT mentally ill. Surprisingly, I actually came up with two close friends who don’t seem to have any mental illness at all. Gotta love diversity! I don’t know how they do it. How does anybody get through life without being mentally ill? It seems very suspicious to me. My seemingly normal friends are probably closet serial killers.

Then Heather Armstrong gave a speech. She is one of the most popular bloggers in the world, and is famous for talking openly about her suicidal feelings, mental illnesses, treatments, etc. It was beautiful to hear her talk about these things without any trace of hesitation or embarrassment. I cried most of the way through. It’s personal. I know what it’s like to be mentally ill. I know what it’s like to wish I was dead. Also, I was imagining myself up there, talking about my BIID with just as much confidence as she had. I know that I am capable of this.

A large majority of my friends have had suicidal thoughts. It seems that these are the people I tend to like being around. They seem to like me too. My newest IRL close friend is nineteen years old. There are privacy issues here, so I’ll just say that her life feels like my responsibility. Why do I feel responsible for other people? I know that it’s not rational. Am I forever atoning for the guilt of unwittingly assisting in someone’s suicide attempt when I was a teenager? I think it goes much deeper than that.

This morning I read your post over a breakfast of coffee, cookies and nutjob pills. Then I showered and wept. I am failing you as your friend. No, don’t tell me that’s illogical. These are MY feelings I’m talking about. Yes, I know, ultimately to be or not to be is your choice. Yet… I would not be alive were it not for the caring of my friends when I was suicidal. A few months after Alicia and I got together, she said “I want to thank you for saving me from a life of misery and emotional torment.” No… She did it for herself. Much as I would love to be a miracle worker, that is the only way it can be done. Yet… I can only live my life believing that people can make a difference; that *I* can make a difference.

If you killed yourself, Sean, I would think of you every day for the rest of my life. A lot of it would be gratitude. I wrote the first draft of a post yesterday. It’s not finished yet, but you can take a peek at it if you want to know some of the things I am grateful for; things you have done for me; new perspectives you showed me.

There would be other thoughts; much darker thoughts, going far beyond the grief. I would have a deep and persistent sense of guilt and failure. Your death would be my responsibility. No, forget the logic. These are MY feelings. What should I have said or done to make a difference? I don’t know the answer. I don’t want to be figuring out the answer after it is too late. Self forgiveness is a very difficult trick to pull off.

It sounds like I am trying to lay a guilt trip on you, doesn’t it? I’m not; and I apologise if it comes off that way. I think that would be a mean thing to do to you. What I am doing is much simpler than that. I am just telling someone who means a lot to me how I feel.

Loving you,

~ Chloe

Linus, yes, I’m sure. I *have* tried to paralyse myself once, many years ago. It did not work. The bottom line is there is no way to self-injure in such a way that you can guarantee results and do it somewhat safely. I wrote about that last year in Self-Engineering Paralysis Is Not That Easy.

Sean’s post made me sad, made me feel my helplessness.

Chloe’s comment made me cry. Full-blown cry that doesn’t happen to me too often.
You, girl, know better how to express what I feel than I can express. How do we reconcile the fact that on one hand we try to be a good friend, we try to help, we try to support the other, yet on the other hand it is ultimately up to the other person to decide what his life is going to be or not? There is only so far I can go as a friend and help by being there. Oh God, it is so fucking hard when we let somebody enter our heart. Because when we take this leap of faith, when the other person takes abode in our heart, it changes us. No matter how many miles are between us, the person will stay in my heart for the rest of my life. And beyond their earthly life. I learnt throughout the years to handle physical separation. I still remember the horrible year when I was seventeen. My sister moved across the ocean and my two best friends moved to different cities/countries. It was very hard but I got used to it years later. I still am not handling well news of my friends dying. One is not suppose to handle that well! Last January I spent a few days of almost non-stop crying for a dear friend of mine. He was 33. Overdose of prescription pills. Intentional or not, nobody knows. But that doesn’t matter. His death took a chunk of my heart. He is still there but there is this deep gash and it still bleeds. It’s not the first gash. It’s not the last. But I hate it! It hurts. But it is so worth it to let others in. Yet it does hurt so.
I cry every single time I read The Little Prince from Saint-Exupery. For me, there is no greater story of love and friendship. It shows me that I need to take time for friendship. It shows me what commitment is. It shows me what is important in relationship. It shows me uniqueness of each person. And it shows me how hard it is to let go. Yet there is nothing more precious than friendship.
So dear Sean, like Chloe, I am just trying to tell you how I feel because you mean a lot to me, because you are my friend.

I’m not very good at this, but I do hope you find a way to make things work out. And I definitely appreciate Chloe’s post- I think there are a lot of people, even people who haven’t gotten up the guts to comment, who are grateful for everything you’ve done. I don’t really know if it helps here- but you have helped a lot of people, including myself.

“Some religious friend have suggested I “try” religion. Sorry, doesn’t work that way.”

I’m starting to think that religion isn’t a choice. Whether or not you believe factual evidence when presented it or start misquoting human translations is (sorry, bitter)- but what actually speaks to you, helps you, etc isn’t really a choice. Different things help different people.

However, even if that’s what that person meant, there are more religions. There are also things other than religion that are spiritual. I won’t suggest you try anything you don’t want, but if you’ve got no other options I’d hope it can’t hurt. :/

Re: religion. You’re right, you can’t choose to believe something. I sometimes wish I could find support in religion but I’m just naturally far to skeptical.
However! I did for a time find comfort in pagan religions. Christianity may not work for you, and I’m by no means saying that finding god will save you, but it may be worth seeking spirituality elsewhere.

Maybe you need a change of life.
I know there’s only one change you need. But if you can change other things you might find that you cope better.

My life has fallen apart recently. I have now accepted that my fate is suicide. But my plan involves estranging myself from everyone who loves me first. The first step in that plan is to take myself to stay with my husband. Either life will improve with him, or I’ll then go back to university, and eventually kill myself.

All I ask is that you change something first. Something that will either improve your life or allow you to take that step.

And now I feel awful because it seems I am encouraging you to kill yourself.
I am not. Nothing makes me angrier than suicide. You don’t need me to tell you how much it hurt, and continues to hurt, when my friend died. Or how desperate things feel when another friend is in hospital and attempting suicide or escape every day.

You have done incredible things here, for many many people, and whilst you may feel at a dead end in your life, there are tentacles of love and comfort extending from you all over the world. And what’s more, there are many tentacles reaching to you as well.

Dear Sean, dear Gravity,

this sounds so horrible to me that I am unable to think of anything meaningful I could write.

Gravity, why should your fate be suicide?

What do you wish? What would have to happen to make you start loving life?

A heavy stone has been laid on my heart when I read your postings tonight. I feel called – but don’t know anything to answer.

When I was a boy I was in a situation that nearly was too much for me. I remember lying in bed and thinking I can’t stand it anymore. Suddenly I knew that there is a power around and in me. A spirit, or rather: love itself. And this keeps me alive.

Oh how much I would like to share this feeling with you two.

I wish you that new perspectives open for you, be it work, friendship, holidays, love, sex, religion or whatever.

I can do nothing. Just send good thoughts. I try.

Perhaps it’s an epidemic. I have access to a lot of prescribed meds. I’ve had some very dark thought of late. I have judiciously used the meds to put myself to sleep for six hours at a time. The pain is usually much diminished when I wake up.

Been out of the country and out of ‘net contact for the last couple of weeks. Sean, I am helpless before your suffering and can only say what I’ve said before, thank you for all you’ve done and continue to do for us in being so articulate yourself, and giving us a space to unload what’s on our minds and hearts. And yes, your religious friends are a bit misguided. You can’t “try” religion, it’s a commitment or it’s nothing. My faith means everything to me but I know that I can’t “make” anyone else have that experience secondary to mine, it has to come to each directly. Abrazos, buddy, my heart is with you.

I agree, most religions require a little faith, trying things “just in case” doesn’t make religion real. Christianity is nothing without the faith component.

For those of you who are suicidal, or just can’t seem to find happiness, please read my article, Her. It is found in my articles on Facebook (Danielle Sainte-Marie), and on Myspace at http://www.myspace.com/daniellesaintemarie

Then, ask yourself this, “Have I REALLY tried as hard to be happy as I have at being miserable? Have I exhausted every therapist, psychology book, mentor and philosophy in the world? How often do I go into a bookstore, go to the psychology section and read something on perspective? Why not try as hard to be happy as I have been at trying, OR feeling like, I want to die?”

You have this life, it is yours; do not squander it until you have TRULY made a HEROIC effort to find love, peace and happiness.

Sorry, the above message was from me Danielle and not from Chloe. We use the same PC at times, so sometimes I forget to delete cookies before posting!

@Elisabeth: You made me cry too. It’s been quite a while since I read “The Little Prince”, but I remember well the first time I read it very many years ago. I remember how I cried at understanding the truth of it. And I’m crying right now, just thinking about it.

Elisabeth, you also express feelings in a way that resonates deeply with me. “But it is so worth it to let others in. Yet it does hurt so”. “Yet there is nothing more precious than friendship”. To say that I agree with you would be a massive understatement. I am completely passionate about this. It is the core of my life.

Yes, letting people into your heart is worth every bit of pain that comes with it. Now I have to go write an e-mail to a long time friend of mine whose wife just died…