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Home / Thoughts / Sean's Thoughts / Suicide

Suicide

Written by Sean on Wednesday, December 14, 2005

I’ve been thinking about it. A lot. Does that make me suicidal? I don’t know. Does it mean I’ll attempt to kill myself, no, probably not. I’m just too coward for that (some might argue that *not* doing it is an act of courage <shrug>). I’m too afraid to hurt myself in the process, or to miss and end up in a messed up situation.

I do feel completely overwhelmed. I can’t cope with my life. I really do not see the point in going on. It’s been years of hardship and suffering, and there’s no reason it should stop, so why obstinate myself by carrying on?

And, let’s face it, it would be easier to kill myself than to give myself an SCI at the desired level!

Almost two years ago, I mentionned to my partner that I was thinking about suicide. And the response was that I was making her feel guilty, because if I was thinking suicide, it was surely her fault for not making me happy! Well, for starters, thanks for the support. And for seconds, she’s not responsible for my happyness, or lack thereof. For thirds, well, perhaps, just perhaps, if I had a bit more support from her, I’d not feel *so* low. But I can’t be using that argument, because she really is not responsible for my happiness. But the result of that statement from her is that I don’t share with her how I’m feeling about all this.

She’s having a hard time herself (her late spouse passed away at this time of year, so it’s hard on her). I don’t have the energy to support myself, much less be cheery around her and be a pillar to her at this time. She resents that I’m not "there" for her. Creates friction. Viscious circle, really.

But those relationship issues are just a small part of the whole picture.

So, yeah, suicide… I’m thinking about it. But I doubt I’ll ever do anything about it. <shrug>