Blog > Thoughts > Sean's Thoughts > Small Vessel, Big BIID Storm
Small Vessel, Big BIID Storm
Written by Sean on Thursday, April 30, 2009
I need to write an update for the site. I just posted about the Australian documentary. I have a few drafts lined up, but none of them inspire me. And I’m not sure what to talk about. The only thing is, as I am considering what I should be talking about, I realised that my heartbeat got faster, my breathing shallower.
I’m freaking out, again. BIID is leading me on a ride I want off of (poor syntax, sorry). It is strong. Too strong.
I wrote to the psychologist I saw a couple weeks ago. Asking her to get her act in gear, if they are going to help me, help me now. If they are unable to help me, then they should tell me now. I feel like they have no interest in helping, for whatever reason.
I said:
I am in a very precarious position. Like being stuck on a small sailboat in the middle of the ocean. I’ve been enduring storm after storm, and sheer bloody-mindedness is what has kept me alive. As time passes, the storms are more frequent, and increase in intensity. No matter how bloody-minded I am, the hull’s integrity is fading. Any moment now a wave could crush it.
The letter was penned to raise *some* reaction from them. We’ll see what happens.
Anyway, that’s what has been keeping me going, strong will. Perhaps also stupidity, or lack of imagination. I have hung on because I don’t know what else to do. I have amazed myself at my ability to keep hanging on.
Looking back, I see a pattern though, or rather, a constant: While I have successfully managed to remain alive and somewhat functional, I haven’t had a life. It is surviving more than living. Sure, here and there I have moments of happiness, the sea calms a bit, the sun even comes out. But it’s few and rare between, and fewer and fewer of these moments as time goes.
As for being functional… I manage to get up, get dressed, drive to work, spend time and accomplishing *some* work, or at least giving the appearance of such. I go home, do groceries, cook. I go through the motion, as if on auto-pilot most days. If this is the life I have ahead of me, I’m pretty sure I don’t want it.
"Hey! Sean, do you want some cheese with that whine?"
Tags: BIID
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3 Comments
Sean, Sean, Sean! Ending a sentence a preposition with! Horrors!
Ain’t it paradoxical, being out on that lonely sea with so much company (like the rest of us)?
I sympathize. I can’t begin to imagine how hard this is. But I wish you days of happiness. I wish you days of living in full. (Hugs)
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1 On 30 April, 2009, Ada said:
Everything is better with cheese :)