Blog > Thoughts > Sean's Thoughts > Self-Harm, or I Would Like to Feel Something
Self-Harm, or I Would Like to Feel Something
Written by Sean on Sunday, September 21, 2008
A couple days ago, I punched my thighs several times. It did not hurt. So I slapped my face. Hard. Repeatedly. I did not feel it. I banged my head against the wall. I stopped because my partner came to investigate what I was doing, on account of the noise I was making. I would have continued. I just wish I could feel *something*.
I guess I hit my thighs harder than I thought, considering the bruise I have. It is tender to the touch today. But when I hit, I could not feel it. Oh, I could feel I was hitting myself, but it did not hurt. It was an empty sensation.
Just like I feel empty inside. In many ways, I have gone beyond emotional hurt. For a while there, I hurt bad inside. But that’s gone. It’s empty. I think the absense of any feelings including pain might just be worse than the pain and hurt and anguish brought on by depression. And it’s not emptyness like nirvana would be. Samsara, I have not reached. It is the absence of feelings, akin to the absence of water in the desert.
Sometimes, I think I can understand people who cut, or harm themselves with pins or cigarettes. Not that I would try it. But I can conceive of the appeal of it.
Tonight, in the bathtub, I slapped my face. Several times on each side. Once, I missed my cheek and hit my ear. That gave me tinitus for a good twenty minutes. Serves me right. I’m left with a mildly pounding headache.
I can sense the presence of feelings, deep inside my gut. As if I’d be force fed like a goose (I was going to link to an explanation of how they force feed geese for foie gras, but these web pages are too disturbing). There’s a large stopper of I-don’t-know-what over the top. All my feelings are trapped inside. It hurts, but it is diffuse, unclear. I can’t quite put my finger on it.
I laughed at something funny yesterday. My partner thought that meant I was getting better. Maybe. But it’s not because I laughed and found something funny that I was experiencing joy or happiness. It was a momentary "bubble".
What is it going to take for me to be able to feel?
P.S. I was discussing this with someone and they asked if it might be the result of antipsychotics medication I discussed a few weeks back. No, it cannot be as that has not been started (yet?).
Tags: Depression, Feel, happiness, Hurt, Pain
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3 Comments
3 On 22 September, 2008, Sean said:
Hmm, yes, well. I don’t really have a shrink yet. First visits a while back were with a locum who has since buggered off. I am due for a first visit later this week. Depending on where the discussion is going, I’ll bring it up.
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1 On 21 September, 2008, Jen said:
Amateur shrink here – it sounds as if you are dissociating. In a moment of crisis, this is how we protect ourselves, but to have it go on like this is something to be concerned about. I would really talk to my shrink about this if I were you.