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Blog > Thoughts > Sean's Thoughts > Resurgence

Resurgence

Written by Sean on Monday, July 26, 2004

I am, by my own admittance, wanting to be a paraplegic. But for the last two or so weeks, my dreams, or nightmares, have revolved around becoming an amputee. Mostly, double leg amputations, above the knees

That is strange, I guess. But then, the whole concept of being transabled is strange.

I wish I understood this better. Of course, being an amputee would have some advantages over having an SCI. For one, it would allow me to retain my sexual functions/abilities in much the same way. This is a most definite bonus. (Though I must remind you that being transabled is not the result of sexual desires).

It has been a long time since I’ve actually felt this way. Those feelings had mostly left me alone. Of course, they are never really far from my mind, but for many months, they were not really the entire focus of what I was thinking about.

Sadly, this is changing. I’m well used to the pendulum effect, yet quite tired of it. Last few days, it seems that these thoughts are ultra present. It is taking all my spare change to actively think of other things. Reading, playing computer games, even house chores are somewhat welcome distractions. But the idle mind drifts back to it

And as the desire for an SCI, or amputations, grows, I feel the morass of depression take hold of my thoughts, of my emotions, of me. Not a pleasant experience.

Sadly, an experience I’m entirely familliar with.

So I’ll buckle up and wait ’till it passes and hope it passes faster rather than slower, and hope against hope, that I get my wish…

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