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Home / Thoughts / Sean's Thoughts / Pros and Cons

Pros and Cons

Written by Sean on Wednesday, August 17, 2005

I’ve been told by a friend that if I found a safe way to “do it”, I should seriously consider all the implications. This is a given to me. Yes, one would have to really carefully look at all possible repercussions in one’s life, not just the perceived “good” that appears at first glance.

Most of us, transabled folks, have been thinking about being disabled for most of our live. For me, the earliest memories related to this go back to when I was 4 or 5, over 30 years ago. So It is not something new to me. I *have* been thinking about it for a long time. I’m sure I’m not the only one.

I’m also convinced that many in the transabled community may have been thinking about it in a very linear fashion. They have been thinking “I want to be disabled”, without really considering the options. This statement comes from 12 years of interacting with uncounted numbers of wannabes. I personally don’t think this kind of thinking is sufficient to justify self-injury.

What impact would it really have on me? Obviously, it’s hard to tell ahead of time. I think Sun-Tzu said something to the effect that “the best laid battle plan never survives first contact with the enemy”. So the best planning is likely not to bear much resemblance to what would happen.

That said, let’s look at a few things that could happen.

On the good side

• Finally matching my actual body with my self-image.
• Reaching some sort of peace of mind.
• Building (or re-building) self-confidence.

On the bad side

• Loss of sensation.
• Potential long term physical complication include: skin breakdown, joint wearing out early, bladder infections, etc.
• Less employable (may be against the law, but fact of life with a disability).
• Current relationship would likely not survive.
• Finding new romantic partner may be difficult.
• Loss of sexual ability as I currently know it.
• Possible financial strife.

And these list are really done quickly. There is *so* much more that would be involved. I realise that, and should probably continue making an actual list rather than just think about it.

That said… The thing is, these pros and cons listings are very much in the intellectual realm. It is a very cold, clinical bit thinking and planning. And the need for paralysis is a very emotional thing.

Intellectually, part of me thinks that paralysis wouldn’t be the best option. Part of me thinks it would be the best option. But emotionally, it is the only option.

And I have reached the point where I’m thinking that I may as well blow my brains out. If it comes to chosing between self-injury and suicide, I think that the decision to self-injure is the best option.