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On My Way From Work The Other Day
Written by Sean on Saturday, June 6, 2009
BIID comes and goes. It ebbs and flows and sometimes leaves us relatively intact. At other times BIID batters us like flotsam between the waves and the cliffs. Last week was rough. About as rough as it comes. And it wasn’t depression, it was purely BIID.
On the Monday, I felt (relatively) ok. On the Tuesday I had an increase in the BIID longing. Discussion about surgery with someone really triggered something. On Wednesday all day, I could feel myself slipping. I worked hard to stay on top, but was not able to.
I did not sleep well at all Wednesday night.
Thursday was difficult. I managed to be productive at the office, barely. By the end of the work day, I was struggling to breathe. One breath at a time. Huge knot in the stomach. I wasn’t tasting bile, but it wasn’t far off. It was an odd feeling. I didn’t cry. I couldn’t cry, but I wish I could have. It might have helped a bit. I could only focus on how I needed my legs paralysed.
I even went on YouTube and looked at a few of the videos of paraplegics there. I wasn’t looking from a devotee’s perspective. I was just trying to feed something in me: Seeing their paralysed, limp and atrophied legs, causing horrid longing in me, but trying to better visualise what it would be/could be like for me. It worked, but it also plunged me into the depth of BIID. Not Good At All.
It took me a while to put my coat on. It took me several self-reminders as to where I was going before I got to the car. You know it’s bad when you have to talk yourself through each motion. I was in the car for a long time before I got the key in the starter. I drove home. Near constant self-talk not to do something stupid like drive the car over the cliff. I had to pull over a few times, wait for the feeling to settle a bit, waiting for emotional strength to come back. Harsh when you don’t even have it together enough to be able to think about simple, routine tasks you do every day.
I got home. I braced myself. That is, I braced myself emotionally, not literally. I just needed to be able to hold it together to be somewhat rational when I got home, prepared dinner, etc. I managed to do that, but it was an enormous effort that left me spent.
It was a horrible, horrible day. I don’t look forward to the next time something like that hits, but I know that it is inevitable.
Tags: BIID, Paraplegic, Surgery
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4 Comments
Replying a little late to this distress call. Wanted to write something sensible but couldn’t see through the tears. All I can say is thank heaven this group is here and that we, at least, have each other for support.
Peter
I hate those urges. THe other day something similar happened. WE were getting out of the car and my legs were as still as a statue. My mom was telling me to hurry up so I got on the floor of the car and just about pulled myself out without using my legs. My mom was shocked and said what are you doing?? I simply said I dropped something under the seat…. I can’t tell her just yet.
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1 On 6 June, 2009, Chloe said:
It is strange the way this stuff happens.
I’d had pretty consistent intense BIID feelings for more than a year when I started using a left leg brace most of the time six weeks ago. The positive effect was a lot more than I had been expecting. I was starting to think that I might be able to get by like this for quite some time.
Then, out of the blue, came yesterday. I had come home after a long tough dangerous hike, and wanted to lie down on the bed for ten minutes or so to unwind. The BIID just hit me from nowhere with an incredible intensity. That absolute need to be paraplegic was something I had managed to quiet down for six weeks. I had no wheelchair next to the bed, and I couldn’t bear the thought of walking. It took me two hours to be able to get off the bed.
If it’s just two hours every six weeks, I can handle it. But I have this sneaky suspicion that such BIID episodes are gradually going to increase in duration and frequency until it’s raging all the time again. The only question is: how long do I have?