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Home / Thoughts / Sean's Thoughts / It’s not letting up

It’s not letting up

Written by Sean on Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Well, it’s really not letting up any lately. I don’t know if I’m going to explore, or if I’ll implode, but I certainly am in the depth of a serious transabled “attack”.

It’s been coming and going for 30 years now. I guess I should be used to it. Long periods where I’m left alone with it. Other periods where it’s there in the back of my mind. But then, there are times, like now, where it’s pretty much the only thing I can think about.

That in itself is rather disabling. Strange, huh? I can’t seem to entirely focus at work, I can’t seem to relax. The only thing at the front of my pea brain is I need to finally get that SCI. And it doesn’t give me much freedom to accomplish much else.

It hurts, quite deeply. So much so, in fact, that I’m thinking that I’ll do anything for the hurt to go away. I’d even consider suicide, but that’s not a viable option (pun intended). My cousin committed suicide a few years ago. I’m sad he did it, but I can’t honestly say I don’t understand it when something becomes so unbearable that it feels like there are no other options.

So I’ll hunker down, and hope this passes, because in the meantime, my quality of life is so low it has to look up to see the bottom dwellers…