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Home / Thoughts / Sean's Thoughts / New Year’s Eve, and resolutions

New Year’s Eve, and resolutions

Written by Sean on Sunday, January 1, 2006

New Year’s Eve was slightly less painful this year than last year for me. Last year ended up in a full blown argument with my partner. This year, I learned from my "mistakes" and didn’t repeat them. But I guess I can’t win, because I seem to have made other mistakes.

First, I should point out that I couldn’t care less about New Year. But that’s perhaps not true. It isn’t a neutral event for me. It’s not as negative as Christmas is, but I wouldn’t be unhappy if I didn’t have to celebrate it any more in my lifetime.

Last evening, I prepared a nice dinner for my partner. Bit of a celebration, smoked salmon on cannapés, pork tenderloin with cherries and plums from our yard, decent bubbly, soft music ( Stan Getz ), the good china and silverware. We even had dinner in the dining room, rather than in front of the tv as has been our routine every night for the last few years. Had it been up to me, I’d have been glad to continue working on the computer and eat some Ramen noodles out of a styro cup! Anyway, good start to the evening. After dinner, we went to the lounge, chatted a bit, relaxed. Lynne asked me if I wanted to go out.

Remembering last year, I told her that I’d go out if she wanted to. She argued that wasn’t what she asked. To which I explained that last year she asked me if I wanted to go out, I had said "not particularly, no", and so we didn’t go downtown to watch the fireworks and look at the band. And before the night was out, she was angry at me because I hadn’t wanted to go out to the fireworks! So this year, I took a precautionary approach and told her that I’d go if she wanted to. She didn’t say anymore on that topic. By now, it’s about 10:45pm.

She goes away to the bathroom, I picked up my book and started to read a bit. Having slept very little the night before, and having a couple glasses of wine in my body, I was tired. I figured I would have a quick nap while she was doing whatever she was doing. Turns out she was showering. She came out of the shower, I woke myself up. She very crisply asked me if I had been napping, I said yes. She immediately appeared uptight, upset, and angry with me. That sent my blood boiling. After calming down, I pointed out she shouldn’t be upset with me because I took a nap, since I took a nap for the sole purpose of being able to be awake with her at the turn of the year! I continued reading in the lounge, she was in the office for a bit.

Then she went to the bedroom, and came back a while later, dressed, and asking me if I was ready. I knew full well ready for what, but she’d never continued the discussion about going out. She never said a thing beyond asking me if I wanted to go out and me explaining what I did. And now, I was supposed to be ready to go out! Ha! Nonetheless, everything I’d done already that evening was for her, to bring her whatever happiness I could. And so I jumped in a pair of jeans, put on a clean shirt, and off we went.

By now, you must wonder what all this has to do with being transabled, my wannabe desire, my wheelchair, etc… Well, here it is:

As we got in the car, she said "You’re not wheeling, are you?", in a tone that I’ve come to know as one that is telling you something more than asking you something. I know she prefers to have me walking beside her rather than wheeling. And because this night was for her, I didn’t wheel. I don’t see the point in telling her, again, just how uncomfortable I am when walking in public, how unhappy being in big crowds makes me, how wheeling actually changes how I feel, what I am, my level of sanity and internal peace. Walking, particularly in big crowds, is for me like for a fish to be out of water. Unpleasant doesn’t start to describe it. But it was her evening, I walked.

I’d say the band was lame, but that would be insulting to those who have physical impairments! Good turn out I guess, about 15 to 20 thousand people in the downtown area (in a city of 80K, that’s not bad). We went around the downtown area, met a few people we knew, talked a bit. Watched the fireworks. I’ve never really gotten excited about fireworks, though those ones were pretty enough I suppose. No blues, no greens though :(

On the way home, she asked me if I was glad I went. How’s that for a trick question? If I said honestly that I actually felt uncomfortable, that I’d rather have been wheeling if there at all, she’d have gotten upset. To tell her that I was indeed glad to have gone would be a lie, and next time something like this comes up, I’ll have to perpetuate it. Lose-lose situation for me.

Once home, she asked for a scotch to celebrate the New Year. I got one myself, very, very small, just to say I was accompanying her. More would have knocked me out cold I was so tired. After a while of watching a silly re-run of the MTV film awards (why are they running that on New Years Eve anyway?!?), drinks finished, I made moves to go towards the bed. I kissed her good night, and she just stood there, passively waiting for something. So I kissed her again, and she just stood there, obviously wanting more, but not participating in the exchange. I just said good night. She said it wasn’t much of a New Years Kiss. So I gave her another kiss, and said goodnight. She was upset. I was upset. If she wanted a mad passionate kiss, she should have kissed me back! Besides, I have to admit, at the end of the night, I was not particularly feeling amorous. I was tired, had spent over an hour without my chair in a crowded public place, had given and given and given, but didn’t feel there had been much room for me. And so I went to bed.

This morning, she’s not up yet. I suspect that she’ll be in a foul mood when she does get up. Great, it’ll match my own, because I didn’t sleep well, and I didn’t sleep enough, again. And a part of me resents last night. I feel I went above and beyond to make a celebration for her, and was rewarded with an attitude!

As for resolutions, I understand it’s the time of year to make them. I’m tempted to say "I resolve to acquire an SCI this year, or to not see another New Year". Bit extreme, and one that I probably couldn’t hold up to. But how many people actually keep their New Years Resolutions? <sigh>

I wish that this coming year be better than the last. It shouldn’t be too difficult, as last year was *so* rough.