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Home / Thoughts / Sean's Thoughts / Never the right time

Never the right time

Written by Sean on Tuesday, August 23, 2005

There’s never a right time to talk about some of the darker side of being transabled with my partner. She’s said often enough that she was ok with my wheeling, though that she would be sad if I found a way to get injured. But I often feel that between what she says, and what she thinks she feels, and what she actually feels, there are big differences

In fact, I often feel I’m getting mixed messages. I feel we do have some issues communicating (I’ve never been all that good with verbal communication to start with). If I bring it up, the exchanges quickly get tense. So I don’t bring it up anymore.

Obviously, she can sense that there’s something going on, but I’m not giving any details at this point. Sad, really.

I’d *like* to tell her more, whether to send her an email where I can outline how I feel, or get to discuss it face to face. For many long reasons I won’t get into, face to face is not conducive to actual communication just now. And while I can pen my feelings and emotions well enough in writing, this isn’t the time to do so.

In fact, it’s never the right time. We’re both overwhelmed with stress (of different types). If I send her an email telling her about just how bad I’m feeling right now, it will pile up on top of her many other stressors, and the result won’t be very good at all. If I tell her that I’m not very far from choosing between blowing my brains out or self-injury, she’s gonna freak out. Our relationship is unlikely to survive such an event.

So here I am, suffering badly, and unable to tell her what’s going on. Not Good.