Blog > Thoughts > Sean's Thoughts > My wheelchair, my baggage
My wheelchair, my baggage
Written by Sean on Friday, October 31, 2008
I remember, many years ago, I heard a friend of my mother’s say that she wasn’t interested in a man they were discussing because he had "baggage". Well, my friends, I have baggage. I’ve had it told that I’m "fucked in the head". I have emotional baggage, not least my need to use a wheelchair. But, ironically, my chair also sometimes becomes real baggage.
My wheelchair tagged as luggage.
It was not very long ago I was called to take the plane for work. As I was doing a gate check (getting to the plane’s door in my chair, which is then put in cargo), they had to put some of those luggage strips on the chair. Upon my return, it struck me funny that my heavy emotional baggage can also be luggage of the real variety.
I wonder how many people’s emotional baggage translate itself into very real and tangible hardware such as a wheelchair? I guess at least we can, in some measure, see our baggage. But the wheelchair, the braces, the crutches, all these things, are only external manifestation of something much deeper inside.
I would still need to be paralysed even if there was no wheelchair available. I’d be in trouble mobility-wise, but I’d still need to be paralysed. It’s complicated, ain’t it?
Tags: BIID, Wheelchair
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4 Comments
Seems to be something we have in common. I always felt the need to be in a wheelchair, and to be paralyzed, but I thought it was more about the mobility aids. Since I have a wheelchair, I know, it is not. I knew it almost for the very first moment I sat down in it. Not that I had not liked or felt “right” in there – it was rather that I found out that sitting in a wheelchair did not turn me into a paraplegic. And that it was in fact the feeling of not-feeling, which I am longing for.
I have a wheelchair, but I could as well sell it. It doesn’t mean for me what I thought it would.
@ Chloe – Yes, I think you’re right – Emotional baggage is what makes people interesting. Aren’t we;-)
Complicated indeed!
These days, I’m usually okay at home. It’s out in the world where my mind is consumed with thoughts about the wheelchair.
It is as if I *only* need the wheelchair because of my emotional baggage. To be able to go out and say “Look at me world. SEE ME! My needs are different than yours.”. The wheelchair is an obvious sign that our needs are different.
Personally, I’d rather live with emotional baggage, than live my life as a blank and vacant person. :)
BIID is most certainly not about the mobility aids. My feelings and thoughts for many of my earlier years focused on using crutches, and missing a leg was the excuse for using crutches. The use of mobility aids may be the home run that wins the series for us but participating in the series is really what it is all about. They may just “feel right” but for me it is the missing leg that I must experinece. My crutches are simply a necessity. I do not feel the need to master life on crutches, nor experience every facet of my life on crutches with my hands occupied for mobility, nor do I want or even feel the slightest need for a wheelchair or prosthesis.
Katie’s experience seems to be very similar to my own.
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1 On 31 October, 2008, Chloe said:
That’s a good point about about the difference between the need for a wheelchair and the need to be paralysed. I grew up around people with leg braces, but not around people in wheelchairs. So I came to associate paralysis with leg braces. I used to think I had a “thing” for leg braces. It was not until I acquired a wheelchair that I gained clarity on all this. I understood that it’s not about the leg braces. I also understood that it’s not about the wheelchair. It’s really just about the paralysis. It’s that simple. I’ll take whatever assistive devices are available to get me around.
Emotional baggage is what makes people interesting. ; )