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Home / Thoughts / Sean's Thoughts / My Own Visit To The GP

My Own Visit To The GP

Written by Sean on Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I went to my GP mostly to renew a prescription of sleeping pills. He’d given me sleeping pills last July, and the 30 day’s worth lasted 7+ months, so that’s not too bad. I use them only when I really need them, when I’m going through a patch of a lot of nightmares, and I tend to use them on weekends only, because they leave me groggy for the day. If I take half, then they don’t knock me out enough to kill the nightmares.

I brought a book, as I always end up waiting when I get to his office. I don’t mind waiting, because I know that he takes the time to meet with his patients properly, so when I need a bit of extra time, he gives it to me. I’m fortunate that my GP listens to me :)

So, he calls me in. The conversation starts like this:

GP: Hi, what can I do for you today?
Me: Well, I could use a million $$$
GP: (laughs) Sorry, I can’t help you with that, what else?
Me: Hmmmm…
GP: (laughs harder) No, can’t help you with *that* either!

He knew he knew I alluded to a spinal cord transection. His response was not unexpected :)

We chatted a few moments, then spoke about sleeping pills. No problems, he was glad I’d stretched the pills this long.

Then I spoke some about how hard BIID is hitting me. He wondered aloud "why now?". I explained to him that all my life it’s been cycling, and that the older I get, the faster the cycles go, and the harder the peaks. I also told him it was pretty typical for people with BIID to get that way. I told him I really felt at a dead end and that I didn’t know where to turn anymore. We discussed ethics and hippocratic oath, and so on. Talked about the lack of luck with the community mental health centre and the quack I ended up seeing. GP said that he was especially hoping I didn’t end up with him. Hmmmm.

I told him that I’d been thinking about a most excellent study - doing a few epidurals, followed by longer nerve blocks. He agreed it would be a good study but would never get ethics approval. I spoke about the need to systematically study the folks that became amputees, but that in the end, it’ll not help para wannabe as there is still the perception that while losing a limb isn’t really disabling, the consequences of paralysis are much worse. It might be that in 50 years this will change, but I’ll be long dead by then, too late for me, too late for you, too late for us!

I asked "what am I supposed to do?", he shrugged helplessly. I know he feels like his hands are tied.

He *did* say he was going to ask around a few anaesthetists he knows to see if they could do an epidural, see what we see. We agreed I shouldn’t hold my breath, but at least it’s *something* he’ll investigate.

I am concerned that if I do get to try an epidural, it’ll just confirm everything, that I’ll love it. And loving the experience while knowing I won’t really have a chance to get there permanently will make it even more difficult on me. This is a risk I must take. I see this as a stepping stone of sorts. The more I do to “show” that I’ve come as close as I can, the likelier I am to be approved for surgery if it comes to it. I’ve done the “real life test”, and am continuing to doing it. I’ll try epidurals. I just need to keep moving, to do something somewhat new, because otherwise, I’m not getting nowhere fast. If I don’t do anything, I’m not going anywhere fast anyway. So have got to try it.

I hope things work out that way.

Tags: Anaesthetist, BIID, Epidural, Ethics, Hippocratic Oath, Spinal Cord Transection

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