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Blog > Thoughts > Sean's Thoughts > My Name Is Sean, I Have BIID, And I’m A Hypocrit

My Name Is Sean, I Have BIID, And I’m A Hypocrit

Written by Sean on Tuesday, February 24, 2009

I have been supporting a lot of people over the years through this site, and through email. I play a role of cheerleader in a way. I tell people to accept themselves. When I think it’s appropriate, I suggest they might want to acquire a wheelchair. But if I were to be honest, I’d say "give up now, because you’re looking at a long painful stretch ahead of you".

I’m glad that people find some sort of solace by reading and sharing on this site. I’m also glad I seem to be helping several people with their struggles with BIID. And to be honest, I’m not sure you guys are getting the biggest benefits from these exchanges, because I benefit a heck of a lot!

I did not know I wasn’t the only one to have this weird condition. But I discovered I wasn’t alone, that was a huge relief

I denied that I really needed to be paralysed. I worked really hard at convincing myself it was just a phase in my life. But it wasn’t, and once I accepted that I had BIID, it was a huge relief.

I struggled with shame and guilt. I overcame that. I see people struggling with shame and guilt, and I want to help in some way, because it was such a relief for me to shed that guilt and that shame.

I had always wanted a wheelchair, which I thought I’d use only at home. I got a wheelchair, and it wasn’t long before I was using it in public. It was such a relief.

I entertained the idea of going "full time", with all the logistical issues entailed. Eventually, I did, and it was a huge relief.

Throughout all that, I struggled with trying to find a solution to this BIID thing, through psychotherapy or pharmacotherapy. It has not worked.

Going full time has helped more than I can say. It helps. It *really* does. Until it doesn’t anymore. And then what?

Please don’t get me wrong, using the chair does help me. It is the only thing really keeping me going nowadays. But it only helps so far. And when you reach that space, you find yourself in the same spot you were a long time before that: stuck with no hope of getting anywhere.

And if you’re going to get stuck and end up nearly where you started from, why bother at all?

So when I encourage and push and prompt, I can’t help feeling somewhat hypocritical, because there is a part of me that thinks "do all that, but you’re unlikely to end up any happier than I am". Were I not hypocritical, I really should say "Give up now, take the shortcut to abject despair".

But I guess carrying on is worth it in some ways. Interacting with people. There are some small pleasures in life, whether it’s a beautiful sunset, a good meal, or cuddles with your pets.

And maybe you won’t end up hit by BIID as hard as I have. And maybe they’ll finally accept that surgery is a viable option for us. Or find a less invasive solution, though don’t hold your breath on that.

So maybe it’s not so hypocritical. Still, while everything I have said is true, it still feels like the struggle is pointless.

Tags: BIID, Hypocritical, Pharmacotherapy, Psychotherapy, Wheelchair

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