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Home / Thoughts / Sean's Thoughts / More reflections on the past

More reflections on the past

Written by Sean on Saturday, November 5, 2005

Sophie told me that she was really interested to read the rediscovered items I recently put up on the site. She said that part of what interested her was that those thoughts often had to do with the actual wheeling around. She’s at a stage where she doesn’t have her own chair, and wants to learn more about wheeling. And lately, my thoughts haven’t revolved around my actual wheeling so much as my thoughts about "it all".

Lately, my thoughts have had more to do with an internal process rather than the actual experience of being out and about in the chair. Perhaps for me wheeling has become routine? No, I actually don’t think it has. In fact, I continually enjoy wheeling. Going down the street, I’m conscious of the chair’s flex as I push the the wheels. At the grocery store, I’m aware of how I’m moving around in the aisles. Getting in and out of the car, I’m considering what I’m doing. So I don’t think it’s become routine.

But interacting with Sophie is certainly making me think more about those "early" days for me. I look back at what I did, and how I did it. I smile at the "mistakes" I made, like the time I parked in a lot, not thinking about coming out, and finding that my car was hemmed in between two pick up trucks, it wasn’t possible to get close to the door at all (ended up cheating that time, got up and walked to the car door :( ). I smile at the high I was on to just be able to wheel. Every experience was fresh and new, and I reveled in these discoveries.

It had more to do with the mechanics of wheeling than anything else. Of course, it felt good to be wheeling, but that wasn’t what was on my mind then. It was more about pushing the chair properly or figuring out how to open two double doors in a row. It was about getting over that kerb or finding the elevator at the shopping mall. It was about identifying which cinema was accessible, working out how to carry a bucket of popcorn, a big cup of coke, some licorice, and push the chair at the same time without dropping the loot all over the already sticky floor. It was also about going out to restaurants, eating.

Part of the experience at the time involved developing my "story" as to why I was wheeling. I was paranoid. I thought everyone would see the big neon sign above my head, telling them I was a "fake". But as it turns out, people don’t question why you’re in the chair. Some may ask, out of crass curiosity. But I don’t recall being grilled and getting the feeling that the other person doubted my wheeling. But while people weren’t doubting me, I welcomed the questions, they were a way for me to interact with people, rather than just wheeling by myself, and feeling alone. They were also a way to affirm and confirm my status as a wheeler, imparting some level of legitimacy to my use of the chair. This of course wasn’t a thought I had at the time, just one that I realised after a while.

And so speaking with Sophie about all this led me to look back, and realise that while there was a lot of rough patches, it was also good going, an important step in my development. I think that talking with her also is injecting some energy, enthusiasm and joy back in my life as a wheeler.

And for that, thank you Sophie.