Blog > Thoughts > Sean's Thoughts > Misperceiving Our Own Bodies’ Attractiveness
Misperceiving Our Own Bodies’ Attractiveness
Written by Sean on Thursday, March 19, 2009
We humans can be fascinating, can’t we? Ok, so this statement could apply to all kind of things, like having conversations about self-injury or suicide and thinking nothing of it when tons of people would freak out. In this case, it applies to how we can have wildly differing opinions of our selves from how others perceive us.
I’m not talking about self-image as it relates to BIID here. I’ve said often enough that we know our bodies aren’t impaired, we are fully aware of the "ableness" of our bodies. I stand by this (I sit by it?). It is one of the major difference between BIID and BDD conditions such as anorexia.
Things are not always what we think.
Yet, that doesn’t stop us from having strange perceptions of our own bodies. Specifically, are we finding ourselves attractive, and how do others perceive us?
I was told not that long ago that I was "smoking hot". It’s always nice to receive a compliment, but frankly, I don’t see it. I’m not complexed about my looks, mind you, but I see myself as quite ordinary, nothing to write home about. That was obviously not the opinion of my correspondant.
Then I had a discussion with someone else who thinks there’s so much wrong about her body that she just about thinks she’s not fit to be seen outside. She’s not the first person to have told me something like that. Yet, she is attractive.
So I guess beauty *is* in the eye of the beholder.
This is a cute photo. It seems to represent the opposite of what we’re living and experiencing though. We perceive ourselves more negatively than others perceive us. Not good.
This lack of self-esteem, or skewed self-image might just well be a result of enduring the relentless attacks of BIID all our lives. If our bodies have such a big aspect that isn’t how it should be, it’s easy to conceive that it would impact how we perceive the whole or ourselves.
It could also be a result of how society imposes canons of beauty that are most often unachievable except for a few people. The funny thing is that canons of beauty change with time and differ from culture to culture. The body of the friend I just mentionned would have been revered by Rubens. In some countries in Africa, a woman is unlikely to ever find a husband if she’s not *grossly* overweight, to the point of having some kids force-fed.
I guess I just find it sad that we can be so self-conscious of our bodies, *on top* of feeling crappy about our bodies because of BIID.
Tags: "self esteem", BIID, Self-Image
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28 Comments
Thanks for this post Sean!
It is sad to feel this way or perceive ourselves this way.
I for one, would be quick to describe my body as “horrifying”, while in fact “not ideal” would probably be more appropriate.
My skewed body image dates back to when I was a little girl, so I think it has much more to do with BIID than culture or society. Society reinforced my perception, but it existed long before that.
If someone paid me a compliment regarding my body, I would think a). they are crazy, or b). they are being insincere because they want something.
For me it’s not a lack of self esteem, rather a very deeply rooted perception.
Interesting points, Sean. For me there are two separate issues here: weight stuff, and BIID related stuff.
People have been weighing in on this site recently, so here I go. I’m 5′ 8″ and 175lbs. Yeah, I know current societal standards would consider that overweight, but it happens to be just the weight I want to be. Anybody who tells me I’m supposed to weigh something different can just go #$%& themselves up the !&*? One of the nice things about visiting my GP in a wheelchair is that nobody bothers to weigh me any more. We seem to be living in a rather strange time and place regarding the supposedly desirable weight for a woman. I guarantee there are plenty of men, and women, out there who will find a 400lb woman particularly attractive.
Until quite recently I had always regarded myself as rather unattractive. This changed very dramatically as soon as I started using a wheelchair; an absolutely unanticipated positive side effect of treating BIID. Any time I see a reflection of myself in a wheelchair I think “Wow, I’m cute!” Judging by the amount of positive sexual attention I am getting these days, my opinion is shared by many others. Presenting in a wheelchair has been a massively positive experience for me, not just in terms of treating BIID, but also for greatly improving my self perception of attractiveness and my self esteem in general.
This perfect image crap has been spoon fed to us by the entertainment industry and the media. I take comfort in the fact that most of the ‘perfect bodies’ we see on the screen are choreographed. How many “hunks” could actually be paid to model in medical textbooks under the heading “mail pattern baldness”?? LOTS!!
Strip away the makeup, lighting, clothes and camera angles, most of the ladies are not really that attractive.
5 On 19 March, 2009, Sophie said:
A lot of body image problems are passed on from parents to children. My mum has always struggled with her weight and she’s tried every diet/weight loss plan available in NZ over the last 30 or more years. Ever since I was a kid I had mum nagging me about eating too much and getting fat to the point where I thought at age 11 “I’m already fat so what’s the point in trying?” I was fairly normal weight then but because I thought I was already fat (and mum is a complete pain in the ass when she’s nagging) I just kept eating more and more. Now I’m fat and ugly and I know I’ll never get back to when I was 11 :(
Yeah Sophie, who the hell told you you were ugly ?
Ever heard of an English comedien called Dawn French ? She’s kinda rotund, but by god she’s a seriously sexy woman. She was in the top ten list of women English blokes would like to bed. (sorry for getting a bit smutty) But, weight has nothing to do with attractiveness, and come to think of it neither does beauty.
Angelina Jolie, not that pretty in my opinion, but so so sexy.
Gwyneth Paltrow, unbelievably pretty, not at all sexy, infact, she’s a tad dull.
Don’t be so hard on yourself, there’s no reason to be.
Something happened to me today, which I thought was ironic in light of this post.
Someone OOGLED me! WTF?
Firstly, I’ve known this fella for a while, and.I thought he was gay. Second, well, I wasn’t looking that great.
Despite my skewed body image, I know when I’m “on” and look hot. Today was NOT one of those days!
Currently, it’s a bit of a task to find myself in matching clothes, and yet I manage. I think I’m doing okay, but one of my friends thinks I’m *barely* functional.
Ultimately, I’d bet the oogler is gay, and probably wants to move me into fag hag status. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!
Skewed body image because of BIID? I think so indeed!
@ Chloe – good for you feeling comfortable “weighing” in!
I’m 5’7″, my weight… Well only my Doctor and my Lawyer know that number! :D
As I said in previous comments, I’m 5’1″ and 97 pounds. I have the exact opposite weight problem from most people… (I’m not anorexic or anything, I’m just NEVER HUNGRY. So I don’t eat until someone forces me to.)
‘Now I’m fat and ugly and I know I’ll never get back to when I was 11 :(‘
I bet you’re neither as fat nor as ugly as me, Sophie. I’ve got about 20 years on you. Not that I am about to suggest a competition or anything.
13 On 19 March, 2009, Sean said:
@cath @sophie – The point of this blog post was to make people realise that they are NOT FAT AND UGLY.
You are not fat and ugly (don’t care which “you” I’m talkin’ about here). What’s ugly for some is the height of attractiveness for others.
FWIW, I’ve met Sophie. You aren’t fat. You aren’t ugly.
Geeeesh.
@Cath. AND getting older doesn’t make you uglier either. I have about 10 years on you, Cath, and I like the way I look more than I ever have done in the past.
@Tora. 97lbs is also not a problem unless you perceive it to be. I didn’t weigh much more than that when I was your age. However, if you wanted to put on weight, Sean has unequivocably demonstrated that the consumption of completely absurd amounts of chocolate is not dependent on hunger.
Me, I’m 5′ 10″ 120 lbs, extremely skinny and boney, always have been. From the time I was very young I have always felt as if I was unattractive and ugly, as well as unacceptable because I was always made to feel like people felt that I wasn’t very intresting or fun to play with. My parents were always more than controlling, but my feelings were developed because of my interaction with other kids…I was always called names, stupid, retard…yelled at by students and treated very rudely. When I transfered schools, things were only made worse because the “popular” people of the class felt I was a threat to them so they turned everyone else against me. While I can trace my devoteeism and pretending feelings back to Kindergarden, It wasn’t until the 6th grade that I fully was aware of their existance in my life.
@Sophie, for what it counts, I also feel that you are very much not ugly at all or fat, you are very attractive and very beautiful and any guy out there would be seriously lucky to have you.
-Wheelman
@Chloe- I don’t think it’s a problem, but my mom says I’m not healthy and look “dangerously thin” and that I’m not allowed to go to Japan this summer if I don’t gain weight… But I’m also not allowed to consume huge amounts of chocolate. XP
18 On 20 March, 2009, Sophie said:
Perhaps try iincreasing the amount of bread, potatoes ant rice u eat Tora. Those options are still healthy and should add the extra meat your mum wants.
You def wouldn’t b out of place in Japan being skinny.
@Sophie Practically all I eat is pasta so… I dunno. I think part of the reason I don’t eat much is because I’m usually on Adderall and it makes my appetite go away. Yay ADD! XP
I won’t be out of place being uber short, either! *excited* (I also won’t be out of place because I’ll be with nineteen other kids from my school district lol)
Thanks again for this post Sean. I think this topic is very relevant and certainly present in my life.
Today, I caught my reflection and I thought to myself… “I am smoking hot” (to use Sean’s words). Obviously, I don’t normally feel this way.
I think it is quite important to talk about this as I firmly believe body image is closely connected to BIID.
21 On 21 March, 2009, Phil said:
1) Nobody and nothing is ugly. If you look with your heart.
2) There are theories that BIID could be caused by low self-esteem, by something we want to cut off (too much weight, “inappropriate” desires and feelings…).
3) In my case, BIID has made me fear that I would be rejected if anybody knew about this strange desire of mine.
4) And I do fear that most gay men wouldn’t find me attractive anymore if I really had no legs. So it’s one of the arguments against getting surgery (if it were available at all).
Quote “Today, I caught my reflection and I thought to myself… “I am smoking hot”
“I think it is quite important to talk about this”
So you want us to talk about how smoking hot you are !?!
Sheesh, it’s one thing fishing for compliments, but when you start demanding them, well that’s a whole new dimension we’re getting into right there…..;)
I think you’re hot Ada…i’ve not got the faintest idea what you look like, and wouldn’t even know you if we were sat next to one another on the number 73 bus. But, still, if you say you’re hot, that’s good enough for me, i don’t think you’d lie about something like that :)
(i can be such a tease)
Hey Phil — I am sure I would, as a gay man, find you *very* attractive if you were legless! And let me tell you, I have presented to other gay men as a guy with a funny crippled hand on many occasions and, sure enough, a few guys chickened away, but the vast majority weren’t put off *at all* — just the opposite, in fact, at least some of them — and I had a really nice time :) All I had to do was to shut up the little voice inside me that was trying to say “this is sick”. Took me some doing (and, I confess, some alcohol), but looking backwards I have no regret. Fact is the gay scene values athletic, muscular, perfect bodies, but when it comes to loving and getting loved…. this is an entirely different story. And this is what we’re all after, gay or non gay, aren’t we?
Sean,
I like the pic of the lion in the mirror. I think it sums up a lot abour ourselves. One thing to think about… those who truley “stand behind” us are the only ones that see the “lion” everyone else sees the little kitten.
I find it entertaining to go back to posts from the same date. This one is now two years old, and I still feel exactly the same way as I described in comment #3.
The only difference is that those feelings, still new then, are now consolidated. I continue to feel good about my appearance in a wheelchair, and apparently the world agrees. A couple of days ago, an employee at the grocery store told me I was really pretty, asked me to go out for drinks with him, and gave me his telephone number. He is about 25 years younger than me, cute and interesting. We’ve been chatting at the store a lot since he started there a few months ago. Seriously, this kind of thing NEVER happened to me in the pre-wheelchair days!
My mother often asks my sister and me how much we weigh. We don’t answer her because she is so proud of the fact that she weighs the least. We don’t need to be told that when we were certain weight, we looked really good. No, mother, I am not 135 lbs. I am 5’6″ and four kids later, lots of chocolate and getting closer to the age of 40, I am around 160lbs. Surprisingly, once I started wheeling, I started to worry much less about my Rubens body. For wheeling, I prefer tight skirts as my side guards are not the best. Even if I walk, I like my tight skirt even though my big butt is clearly visible. Somehow it doesn’t phase me any more. Maybe it is because I am so used to being judge just because I use a chair? I’m not sure. Maybe I am more comfortable with who I am. Though unlike Chloe, I do have to say that very rarely anybody flirts with me when I wheel.
My parents were open not only about their disdain for people with disabilities, but also for people they considered overweight. My sister has struggled with eating disorders for most of her life. Somehow I escaped this, though my friends started getting worried when I went down from 195 lbs to 149 lbs over the course of six months; in 2002 I think. Looking back at pictures from then, 149 lbs is WAY too skinny for me.
I’ve been pretty stable at around 170 lbs since majority time wheeling. No reason to change that.
I used to like wearing tight pants to show off my nice butt. Not much to show in a wheelchair! Ah well, can’t have everything.
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1 On 19 March, 2009, Becs said:
One of the reasons why I love the “Ladies No. 1 Detective Agency” books is because the main character, Precious Ramotswe is a “traditionally built woman” and very proud of it.