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Miracle cure? Not!
Written by Sean on Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Over the years, I’ve often wondered if becoming a para would solve my issues. It seems that most wannabes I interact with seem to think that becoming disabled would magically solve their problems. But a decade ago now, I came to the conclusion that an SCI would not heal me. So why do I still want it?
Before I go into that, I should explain some more where I’m coming from on this. Not the first time I talk about it, you may have already read my point of view on that. I don’t think that acquiring an SCI, or an amputation, suddenly heals you. Whatever demons make us feel the way we do won’t get banished just because we suddenly have “our wish”. Just because I’d be paraplegic doesn’t mean I’d suddenly be “fine”.
In fact, for the longest time, those thoughts were going hand-in-hand with the thoughts that I wouldn’t seek a way to acquire an SCI. “Why become a para if it isn’t going to heal me”, I thought. But somewhere along the lines, I realised that while being a para would not heal me, it would give me the freedom to heal myself. A freedom that until that happens, continues to taunt me, seemingly just within reach, yet unreachable.
What being a para would do, would be to allow me to finally stop going ‘round and ‘round in emotional circles. Despite many concerted efforts on my part to get unstuck (including psycho-therapy, journaling, etc), I still am going around coming back to the same thoughts: “I must be paraplegic”. This obsession forbids me from doing any other kind of work and to go forward.
Were I to finally be a paraplegic, I would be able to move that barrier aside and finally work on the demons. Or perhaps I wouldn’t need to work on the demons quite as badly, who knows?
Obviously, it wouldn’t be all good, I realise that. In fact, I’m sure there would be plenty of negative aspects, but I think the positive would far outweigh the bad. I long for being more comfortable with myself, having my self-image aligned with my actual body image. Perhaps this line of thinking goes into self-justification, I don’t know. I know I’m not trying to convince myself, as I have been convinced for a while now.
The problem comes from the fact it’s hard to know if my thoughts are right or wrong. It’s not like there are many realised wannabes out there that can confirm or refute my theory. It’s not like studies have been conducted about this area of the human psyche.
I was lucky enough to “bump” into a realised wannabe. There are many people on the web who claim to be realised wannabes, but one quickly learns that most of them are not credible at all. Red flags go up and while one would prefer to think everyone is honest, the fact is, the internet is a perfect place to play games and lie about who/what you are. That said, this person is the second realised wannabe I actually believe *is* actually a realised wannabe.
In any case, this person agreed with my thinking! And there you have it, at least for one other person, becoming a paraplegic has not banished the demons. But it gave the space to find that peace of mind we are looking for (or I am in any case).
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