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Home / Thoughts / Sean's Thoughts / Meeting someone new

Meeting someone new

Written by Sean on Friday, October 7, 2005

Earlier today, for the first time in years, I met with someone else who shares this wheelchair “thing” with me. We met over the internet, and after talking for a while, decided to meet in real life. It was a good meeting.

I am happy in my current relationship, so did not have any “ulterior” motives in mind when I met Sophie (not her real name). Her mother knew we were meeting, but doesn’t know me, nor does she have a clue what the meeting was about. In fact, Sophie’s mum thought it may have been a date! But our meeting was not about romance, sex, or any other carnal interest (so, people, get your mind out of the gutter!). It was more, for me in any case, a way to connect with someone else feeling the way I do, if only in a small part.

I don’t believe Sophie wants to be paralysed. But she says she wants to live as a wheeler. She tells me (in response to my many questions on the topic), that she feels safer in the chair. And I must admit, I feel that way as well.

We met up in a small town, at the local shopping mall. As I was getting ready, she was waiting for me. She had recognised me, she later told me. I saw her walking past the car, towards the ATM machine, and circle back. I thought it would be her. Sophie was nervous about meeting me. I was apparently the first person she met from the ‘net, and the first person she met face to face with whom she could discuss these things. I’m glad I was “her first”, as I’m a pretty decent guy (if I say so myself), and while I joked about kidnapping her, I wouldn’t do such a thing. Sometimes, meeting strange guys on the internet can really land you in a whole kettle-full of boiling (and rancid?) oil!

As it was, we aimed for the food court, and looked around. Being local, she introduced me to our choices: Chinese, some roast place, and McDonald’s. We both opted for Chinese. The food was fresh enough, but way too salty. Ahh, well, first thing I ate that day, could have been worse. I wasn’t there for the food anyway!

The conversation was a little strained at first. This was natural, but we talked about different things and learned a bit more about each other. Not only do we have an interest in wheelchairs, but we both like dogs, and are Coke addicts (that is, Coca Cola…). We got more comfortable chatting. After a little bit, we talked about going off to the cemetery.

The cemetery, a ways from the center of town, was a good place for her to try my spare wheelchair, which I’d brought in case she might want to give it a spin. Well, to be honest, I knew full well she’d want to! On the way there, it had been pouring with rain, and I thought that it would be rather difficult to give her the “chair time” she so wanted. But as I pulled into town, bright blue skies awaited me. And the good weather lasted until just a minute or so until after I had to leave.

So we drove to the cemetery. She was brave enough (foolish enough?) to get in the car with me. It is at that point I suggested I could kidnap her and do horrible, unspeakable things. Not to worry, nothing happened. No body is hidden at the cemetery (well, no body that I know off anyway)… Ok Sean, enough with the macabre humour. We followed the river, me driving, Sophie giving me directions.

In between, Sophie was asking me all kind of questions about wheelchairs, and chair related topics. It was actually good to be able to talk with her like that. She was curious, and genuinely so. But it was honest interest rather than crass curiosity. It also didn’t feel like she was trying to get her self-gratification by proxy, unlike so many other contacts I’ve had with many other people. Even people I’ve known on and off for years sometimes make me feel like they are pumping me for questions about how I feel or what I do, just because they can’t have the wheeling lifestyle I have, and that grows tiring. But back to Sophie, she wasn’t like that at all.

At the risk of sounding condescending, and that is not the attitude I have at all, I see this meeting as a start to a start of mentoring relationship. She is quite young, barely over 20. I am getting older, nearly twice that now! I’ve been where she’s at in many ways. Perhaps I can help her avoid some pitfalls. Perhaps I can be a resource to her like I wish I’d had a resource when I was 20-something.

She is lucky (and I told her so), that there is so much information on the internet about all this. When I (and so many others) grew up, there wasn’t the amount of information about SCI, wheelchairs, and more importantly, other people that feel like we do. Knowing you aren’t alone seriously helps along the way.

So, here we are, at the cemetery, and I parked the car on the side of an internal road. I got out of the car (see Trip to the grocery store for details of transferring in/out of car), and opened the trunk so I could pull the spare chair out. It is my spare chair, but also my office/indoor chair. I pulled the wheels out, and the frame, and finally the cushion. Sophie looked on with interest. Her eyes were big, and perhaps it was just my imagination, but they appeared a bit shinier than they had been moments before.

Finally the chair was put together, and she sat in it. Not a perfect fit, not by a long shot. My legs are significantly longer than hers, so her feet didn’t touch the footrest. I’m also a skinny kinda guy, so the chair was a tad too narrow for her. But it worked. And we went up and down the cemetery’s driveways. She complained the chair was pulling to the left. I pointed out it wasn’t the chair, it was the road. The incline of the road makes your chair go towards the bottom of the incline, usually towards the kerb. I remembered when Julie (Julie’s story ) came to visit me, 8 or 9 years ago, and she was wheeling with me, she also thought her chair was “broken” because it pulled to the side.

Sophie got hot pushing that chair. She took her coat off, and since I was going back to the car to lock it up, as we were quite a distance from it, she asked me to bring her coat back to the car. As I was wheeling away, I told her that it was time for me to just take off and leave her stranded in that wheelchair, trying to explain the bad practical joke that I would have pulled on her… Tempting, but… Not a Good Idea™.

We just went around the place, talking about chairs, transfers, and all that stuff you talk about when you first meet another person who is transabled. It was obvious to me that she had done some reading and understood better than a lot of transabled folks what spinal cord injuries mean to someone. We talked about common experiences of going to the library to try and find books, with little success. We stopped on the side of the road, and talked some more. I took some photos of her on my cell phone (I forgot my camera, and she doesn’t have one).

I got her to do a few transfers from the chair to the car and back in the chair, and back in the car. Taking the chair apart. She noted how difficult it is not to use your legs during the transfer. She nearly landed on her butt, so she cheated and got up! I guess she can be forgiven for that. Next time, she’ll be spanked <grin>.

All good things come to an end though, and I had to head back home. As I was getting in the car, I noticed that the sky had filled with clouds, and drops of rain hit me in the face as I finished loading the chair in the car. The timing was good.

I dropped her off at her car, and drove away.

I don’t know when the next time is going to be. Logistically, it is difficult for me as I’m not particularly wanting my fiancée to know about Sophie (even though “nothing” is going on, I suspect my fiancée would freak out). And since my spare chair is my office/indoor chair, and that my fiancée usually works from home, I can’t just pick up both chairs in the car and go. It would involve explanations I’m not quite ready to give yet. So we’ll see.

On the way home, I thought about some differences between Sophie and I. She just wants to live as a wheelchair user. Me, I actually want to become disabled. A part of me is thinking that perhaps in a not too distant future, Sophie might be willing to assist me get my dream. But truth be told, it’s not something I’d ask of her It is a huge responsibility, and wouldn’t be fair. Just one of those daydreams in the end.

But it is now way too late, I was planning on writing this tomorrow, but got started and here I am, 2 in the morning, wrapping it up…

Bye y’all!