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You need a hug, Sean. That is not meant in a condescending way to belittle your pain. Rather, my hug to you represents an acknowledgement of your pain. Sometimes acknowledgement from others can make it easier to acknowledge it to ourselves, which is a good thing. A pain which we keep to ourselves and hide from others can become a festering sore. But the right balance can be hard to achieve. Sometimes people will give me what they perceive to be a gentle comforting slap to the shoulder, see my look of pain and say “Oh! I’m sorry. I forgot.” The same kind of thing can apply to emotional pain.

I’m not coming from a place of fully understanding these things, but I experience it nevertheless. I have several friends who are self-cutters. Generally they do it in such a way that the scars are not usually visible to others. It is for themselves, making the hurt physical. I often ask to see their scars. Perhaps it is a simple way for me to acknowledge their pain. Perhaps if their pain had been better acknowledged, they might not have needed to cut themselves.

A few months ago I was hanging out with one of my self-cutter friends, semi-naked on her bed. She pulled out a sharp knife from the kitchen drawer, caressing it. “This is what I use”, she said, looking at me with questioning eyes. I looked back at her, and closed my eyes as I lay on the bed with relaxed anticipation. She put the knife away. She knew that the unspoken offer of cutting me had been enough. She had acknowledged my pain.

Love and hugs,

~ Chloe

I’ve self-harmed for as long as I can remember.
So I completely understand.

Even without your scabs and bruises, it’s much easier for us to comprehend your pain when you say, “I was in such pain that I [blank]” rather than just “I’m in so much pain.”

I have some scars that are impossible to hide. I don’t do it for others to see. I do it for me, it’s just that when I’m in such a bad place that I open up a vein I’m not thinking about how bad it will look when I go for a job interview or on a date. I’m just trying to live through that moment.

Continue to do what you need to get through this time. Continue talking to us. Remain connected to the world. And this too shall pass.

.

Chloe – I’m actually really quite disturbed by the idea of your friend cutting you….

@Gravity: It greatly surprised me that I felt such a huge wave of peace and relaxation come over me at the thought of my friend cutting me. I don’t really understand it.

Last week I told a different close friend about this incident. She totally related to it, saying that she is reluctant to cut herself, but loved the idea of somebody else cutting her. Don’t worry, we’re not going to indulge in a cutting-fest! My brain came equipped with a manual override.

She and I share an unusually large overlap of psychological characteristics/disorders. We both deliberately burnt ourselves as teenagers. She showed me those scars.

Another discussion we had was about our shared lifelong fantasies of being physically tortured (not in a sexual way). She thought that most people have these fantasies, but just don’t admit to it. I don’t know. Here I am doing emotional base-jumping again (as Lane refers to it). I worry that people will think I’m completely insane when I reveal stuff like this. I wouldn’t have had the nerve if I didn’t have a friend who thinks the same way.

Dear Sean, Gravity and Chloe,

somebody from “outside”, when reading this, would come to the conclusion that BIID is nothing but the desire to show an inner wound on the outside, a special form of self-harm to the body to relieve harm that has been done to the soul (or that we still do to our souls).

I never had the urge to harm myself, nor have I done it. But maybe my desire to have my legs off is more similar than I could imagine so far?

Oh Sean, I wish you so much that you can show how much you hurt inside, that you can get relief by saying, showing it, acting it out, not against yourself, not hidden or even locked in yourself.

One of the most famous poems in German language starts with the words:
“Und wo der Mensch in seiner Qual verstummt, gab mir ein Gott, zu sagen, was ich leide.”
“And where man in his pain falls silent, a God gave me to say what I suffer.”

But how, to whom?

My ability to distract myself from me and from my suffering is wearing out recently. The future seems to be a big dark grey cloud. Anxiousness and angst are bigger than ever. And I see no way out. I try to tell myself: take one step at a time. Go out. See the little miracles. Do something good for yourself. Years ago I was able to “forget” about my BIID or to push it at the dark side. I was able to push my doubts about my work to the dark side. Now the dark side leaks.

It is better to be aware of the dark side, but it hurts and makes me fear a lot.

Something has to change, and not only the shape of my body. Maybe my whole thinking. Maybe my work, partner, place of living, … Maybe my attitude towards suffering, or my attitude towards me and life in general.

@Gravity, The thing is, what I did didn’t work.

@chloe, you *are* completely insane. :) I happen to think that is not, in and of itself, a negative. I think Society doesn’t share my views, unfortunately :(

@Phil, I think people will jump at the conclusion that BIID is just “extreme cutting”. They have, regardless of what we post here. It is unfortunate, but it is real.

Sean, I’m sorry you’re in so much pain.

When I was in my early teens, before they even knew what to call it, I cut myself. Little nicks with a razor blade here and there. In my mind, it was a way to control the pain I felt. And in a way, to beat others to the punch. False reasoning, I know but it was along the lines of ‘you can’t hurt me, I’ve already done it’.

Dear Sylvie,

could BIID be just that what you say:
“you can’t hurt me, I’ve already done it”?

It never works, Sean. We don’t do it because it makes us feel better. We do it because there’s nothing else to do.

Dear Phil,

No. I see your line of reasoning, but no. If that were the case (you can’t because I did it first), I would have been dead years ago.

:hug:

Sean, I dont really know what all to say.

In one way, I am kind of … I dont know …

I am a cutter. It hurts to see you in so much pain. Enouhg to want to hurt yourself as well, even though I’ve been there, and am there constantly.

It hurts even more than so many people cannot, or flat out will not help you. Simply because it may hurt their pride, maybe? I dont know … I am not them, I can’t take a look inside their heads – only make simple observances.

I really hope you find relief Sean. Even if it is miles away, and over a computer screen, I give you hugs. ^^

Talking of cutters guys this is interesting!! http://www.news24.com/World/News/Judge-mulls-paralysis-as-sentence-20100819

Tyrone – that story is horrifying.

Not because they’re talking about paralysing someone, but because they think it’s a punishment.

What message does it put across to the boy who was paralysed? That his life is now worth no more than that of a terrible criminal? And all the other people who become paralysed for whatever reason?

Not impressed…

Gravity – The man who was attacked asked for the punishment under ancient islamic codes. That literally means an eye for an eye.

All in all – He’d probably be relieved. What you must realize is how different their culture is.