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Home / Thoughts / Sean's Thoughts / Letting it all hang out

Letting it all hang out

Written by Sean on Saturday, September 6, 2008

Life with chronic depression is not easy. It’s not easy on the person who has depression and it is not easy on the people around the depressed individual. I’ve had chronic low grade depression (dysthymia) since I was in my mid-teens. Interspersed with that were periods of severe and deep depression, like I’m going through now. While this episode is more serious than others in the past, it is not hugely more so. But there is a difference. I’m falling apart at the seams.

Up ’till now I’ve been pretty good at controlling the depression just enough that I could still fake being functional. I’d put a smile on my face, and get up in the morning and go to my tasks. I’d get things done. Maybe not as much as when I’m not so affected by depression, still, I kept going. And people didn’t really *see* it.

This time around, I don’t even have enough energy (nor desire) to generate that mask, let alone wear it. The pain is there, for all to see, and it’s ugly and hurtful to those around me as well as myself.

My partner asked me earlier today if the antidepressants I’ve been taking for a month now are having any effect. Actualy, she just stated "the pills aren’t working, are they?". And no, I don’t think they are. Perhaps it’s too early. Perhaps the dose is too low. Or perhaps it’s just like every other antidepressants I’ve taken in the past, they just don’t work.

My partner asked me what would help. I told her there’s only one thing I can think of and it’s out of reach. She said that it’s going to be out of reach the rest of my life, so was I going to be like this for the rest of my life? I said I hoped not, while thinking that if she’s right, I see no point in continue living. And that is not depression talking. That is a rather lucid mind talking, remnants of when depression is low.

I guess in a way I’m lucky. Neither depression nor BIID have pushed me to the bottle or the needle. Let’s be thankful for small mercies I guess. But it doesn’t make it any easier to know that I could be more fucked up.

In the meantime, as silly as that is, I feel guilty and ashamed. Guilty for adding stress and worries to my loved ones. And ashamed that I can’t control myself more than this. I could in the past. But it’s getting worse as time goes by.

Maybe it’s good people around me can see something nearly concrete, so they *know* something’s wrong. But it hurts them too. And in the end, it’s no good for them. I’m no good for them if I remain in this state of mind.

And the thing is, it’s unlikely to get better. I was reading somewhere that:

After the first episode of [major depression], there is a 60% chance of having a second episode. After the second episode, there is a 70% chance of having a third, and after the third episode, there is a 90% chance of having a fourth. About 5%-10% of individuals with this disorder subsequently develop Bipolar I Disorder.

I have had more than 4 episodes of major depression in my life. Geee, what’s next?

Tags: BIID, Control, Depression, Dysthymia, Guilt, Shame