Blog > Thoughts > Sean's Thoughts > It Was Not For Them To Tell
It Was Not For Them To Tell
Written by Sean on Friday, March 27, 2009
Most of us keep BIID a secret from most of their family and friends and acquaintances. We sometimes tell people, for a variety of reasons. In general, I think we pick people we consider trustworthy. Sometimes, that trust is ill-founded.
I told a friend about BIID a couple days ago. I hadn’t spoken to this person in a long time, but took a punt that she would understand. Imagine my amazement when she told me that she had already heard something to that effect! Fran, a friend of my late wife’s, and I thought of mine, told an acquaintance of mine about me, under confidence. This acquaintance in turn told other people, including the friend I just spoke to. The repercussions of this acquaintance blabbing could be disastrous for me. It would explain why some people I’ve been emailing in the last year haven’t responded to my emails.
I told my mother about BIID a couple decades ago. She told her parents, my grand-parents. I have long been upset with her on that point. She argued that she was seeking support and had a right to that, which if fair enough. But…
It was not their place to out me. It was not their secret to tell.
I might have chosen to tell these people. Had my mother or Fran asked me if it was ok to tell these specific individuals, I might have said "ok", or I might not. The thing is, it was my decision to make.
But then, we never know what will happen. The only way to make sure nobody outs us is to tell nobody. And for me, that’s really not an option anymore. Not that I’m telling everyone, but some people need to know.
It used to send me into a major panic, the mere thought of that information going out "in the wild". I don’t want it out there, but I’m nowhere near as worried about it as I was. It could ruin my life, yes. It’s not like my life is wonderful now anyway.
Tags: BIID, Panic, Telling, Trust
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8 Comments
A secret is something you tell only one person at a time — at least that’s how too many people seem to see it.
That is too bad when people you trust betray you. So far, I am not aware of any breach of confidence from any of the >50 people I have told.
However, the whole dynamic is about to change in a couple of days. I am going to a big party with a mix of long time friends, acquaintances, and people I’ve never met before. None of them has ever seen me in a wheelchair before, or know about my BIID. The only exceptions will be my best friend and my 15 year old son. When anybody asks me about the wheelchair, which they will, I am planning to tell the truth about BIID. This is one of the most scary prospects of my life.
I’m sorry you’re acquainted with such an insensitive and indiscreet person. Months ago, I ran into a former co-worker, who promptly sent out email to our mutual acquaintances that I was out of work. Ooo, it made me mad, but then the guy always was a clueless clod.
When i spent three months in hospital for depression my dad told half the village and then said it was because he needed support – yeah right. I don’t buy that excuse – there were plenty of friends he could have got that from without neighbours of mine needing to know.
So it happens – people even think they mean well at the time, but it doesn’t alter the fact they have betrayed your trust.
Hugs Sean. And Chloe -good luck – my word you are brave – fingers crossed for you.
when i told lexi, she told neon pretty much straightaway but i’m cool with that because i had been thinking about telling neon anyway and also because neon is her best and most trusted friend in the world who she tells everything so i trust her as well. if she had gone and told everyone she knew, that would be a bit different. (she also told our mutual friend tim, but she didn’t use my name and pretended i was a male friend so that doesn’t really count. basically all tim knows is that someone, somewhere, that lexi knows, has a condition called biid.)
Shortly after I started pretending in a wheelchair, about a week or two afterward, I started to think to myself, “I have to be truthful in some way to the people who ask me why I wheel.” I did this for two basic reasons, 1 I don’t like to lie and 2 in a way I was very proud of who I was to be a pretender.
When I am asked in public about it, I usually either try to change the subject or avoid the question. If time permits and I get to know this person well (usually after about 3 or 4 hours of straight personal to personal talk, then I usually sit the person down and tell them the truth. Sure, I have had a few who are completely against it and no matter what I say are highly offended, but most might misunderstand at first, but after a while of discussing it, they begin to understand and to calm down, then there are others who just don’t even bat a eye at it really.
The only person I know so far who was told someone behind my back has been my parents who told the rest of my close family (my sister and her husband). Another guy who lived with me a while spoke about it behind my back very negativily to a multiual friend of ours who already knew, but that was because he really was disgusted by and he would let it anger him.
-Wheelman
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1 On 27 March, 2009, Claire said:
This makes me so angry. What a stupid bitch Fran is. I hope you send her a link to this post and I hope she sees this comment. *seething*