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When I made my self-injury attempt, a disabled friend of mine who had been supportive of my using a wheelchair, told me that crossed the line and was “incredibly selfish”.

I can see his point, in that when you do something like that you are totally focussed on yourself and not on others.

But as a wife and mother I’ll say this…I have a lot of responsibilities, BIID impairs my ability to take care of those responsibilities. My self-injury attempt (which was not aimed, btw, at making myself a paraplegic) was desperate, as you say, but underlying the desperation was a need to take some control of the BIID so that I could better concentrate on my responsibilities.

And although the self-injury attempt largely failed, it did succeed in a few ways. I’m better off now and so is my family.

Of course it’s selfish but that’s not always a bad thing.

I think we also have to take a look at the basic factor of ‘What do we consider impairment.’

Others view that you’re fine now, and that becoming a paraplegic would leave you impaired, but for you, you’re impaired now, and becoming a paraplegic would actually ‘cure’ you, so to speak.

Unfortunately, I don’t think there is a good answer to your last question; I think until there is a time in science (and we’ve briefly discussed this becoming a more acceptable time for BIID elective procedures to be done) where the injuries we need are treated as something that just ‘takes a bandage’ to fix, it’s going to be seen as devastating. It’s natural nature in us – we’re still survivalists deep at our core, and being disabled is a disadvantage to survival in the typical animalistic sense.

One can only serve others, if one is fully oneself, if you take care of yourself, you can take care of others.

Why is it selfish to want to be ones self fully? Would it be considered “selfish” if the ramifications for us and our loved ones were only positive? Isn’t it only considered “selfish” because people perceive what we want or need will have a negative impact on ourselves and them?

Personally, I’ve always thought that nobody else has a right to have a say about what we do with our bodies, but that’s just me.

True, I’m not in a relationship, and for those that are, it presents a complication I will not know.

I don’t see that it is any more selfish than wanting a child when one is having difficulty conceiving and getting infertility treatment on the NHS (at least in the UK). Or than convincing your therapist to support public funded cosmetic surgery because of dysmorphic disorders. Both of these are possible in Britain.

We accept that ill people need to put themselves first in order to get better. What’s the difference?

Hi Everyone!
This is Chloe’s partner, and I just wanted to offer some comments here from the perspective of a person without BIID who is living with someone she loves, a wonderful woman who has this condition.

I have seen that the focus of Sean’s post seems to be whether or not it is selfish to desire—and then enact—to be one’s self. It’s a great post because it gets one to thinking about this important subject. From the other comments posted thus far, it seems everyone is in agreement that selfishness is not a bad thing, because it leads to caring for self and others.

I, personally, believe in being selfish! Being selfish is a very healthy state of mind. Any choice you make, from the choice of food you eat or what car you buy, is all selfish. Once you begin buying cars because of what others want, or eating what others want you to eat, wearing the clothes others want you to wear, you become unhealthy, exhibiting depression and emotional instability. BIID is partly just another choice, in the sense that it is something you are probably just born with and now you have chosen to recognize the need to fulfill your heart’s desire. It is your right to do as you please with your own body. Every choice we make affects other people in some small way, but I offer that to hold back from living your own life is the ultimate betrayal of self and others. You cannot love anyone else until you learn to love the person you are in the most intimate relationship of your life with first: yourself.

Granted, there are those that will say this choice affects people in larger, maybe more pointed ways than what food you eat. My response is that you cannot possibly see all the affectations of your life’s decisions. My father, for instance, loved red meat and beer and he had severe diabetes and then terrible strokes, thought to be from his diet and alcohol intake. My mother now blames my dad for not taking care of himself because now she has to care for him. She overlooks the fact that he provided close to $2,000,000 for the family in all the years he worked, and that he had the absolute right to eat whatever he wanted—not for any other reason other than the fact that it was his life. I don’t recall anything in the marriage vows that say a woman or a man is to keep their bodies in a particular shape in order to facilitate love. What I do remember is the vow, “In sickness and in health.” Now, some will argue that a woman or a man might agree to render to their spouse their sexual due in the marriage vow, and that being paraplegic might not be the ideal situation to ignite the spouse’s arousal. I say to that, fine, but if you are so shallow all you care about is their body then you are not worthy of your spouse anyway. Why not try making love, not because you find them just physically attractive, but rather, because you love this wonderful, genuine, good-hearted person? Without making a connection of the mind and heart through love and friendship, you are missing out on all the richness of your relationship.

Others will say they can accept sickness if it happens naturally, and that BIID is something the person does to their self. I feel this is an utterly ignorant comment because it doesn’t take into account all the factors of what is natural, and what is done to self. Is BIID natural? Well, it seems to be to me. It has a real, physical existence that arises quite often very spontaneously. That is only one definition of natural, and BIID fits with this concept just fine. Do people with BIID that seek the physical impairment do it to their selves? Are they to be blamed for figuring out what they need to feel whole inside and then desiring to put into action that which they feel they so desperately need? The fact is you might be able to repress your mind into believing you do not have BIID when you actually do, but that doesn’t make it go away nor does it deal effectively with the problem. For all those spouses and partners who desire to have their BIID loved ones completely suppress their emotions, raise your hands. For all those spouses and partners who desire to have their BIID loved ones get therapy and change their lives to not have BIID leanings, maybe you can remember a time in your own life when someone wanted you to change. Did someone ever tell you to change and you knew you had to continue on being yourself, living your life? Regardless of the outcome, you probably had to walk down your path alone. Well, now your mate is going through a difficult time, and what you can do is summon up the strength to remember your own life and simply put your loving arms around them and walk down this path with them as much as you can. It’s quite possibly the noblest thing you will ever do. Give your love freely; remember they are doing the best they can, just like you have had to do at various times in your life. Whether it is natural or they do it to their selves, we don’t know. It’s probably a bit of both. But, regardless of any such silly debates, the fact is the person with BIID is going through this, and if you have any love for yourself and understanding about whom you really are inside, then you should be able to understand and love your mate as well. Let them be who they are; stay by their side and be supportive. But, remember you can be honest about your feelings too. For those with BIID who are in a relationship with someone who is struggling or whom you feel might have a problem with this issue of yours, please show empathy and kindness to their plight too. That doesn’t mean you stop your work towards living with your BIID just to fit their expectations. It means you simply listen and care, showing concern for their feelings. If they leave you because of your condition, then you didn’t need them in the first place, and you are better off being independent for awhile. The last thing you need while dealing with your BIID is to have someone constantly berating you or making you feel guilty, nervous or ashamed of how you feel. It is not easy for anyone involved, but it also doesn’t have to be a total nightmare either.

So, in the end, the lines blur between selfishness and selflessness. You really can’t have one without the other. If I give to others it is always to fill a selfish need inside of myself. If I give to myself first it is the same distinction. The fact is that all motivation and change in a human being starts with being selfish, a wonderful, beautiful quality when it is understood as our natural state. Being selfish doesn’t mean you get to run around unhindered by reason throughout life; if you break the law there are consequences. But, we must all remember that being selfish is a part of our beings to be embraced, not discarded, as a useful part of our humanity. It exists, and it is an essential element to every good deed that is possible for you to do. Without selfishness, no one would be able to do any good at all.

I love and support my partner. That doesn’t mean I haven’t had issues with the whole thing, for I have. I found that it was important for me to speak to her about my honest feelings on what she was going through. There have been times where I couldn’t hear another tale of someone trying to amputate their own body part, etc. It would horrify me and make me depressed. She understood those times and would back off from talking to me about it for a few days, until I was ready emotionally to handle the stories again. In this way, we are considerate of each other’s feelings. We are going through this together.

I have accepted her condition because I realized it wasn’t so different from anything else in this life. There are so many variations on the human condition that prompt a detailed search for ego synthesis; I have had my own strange journeys, and I am sure that everyone here has a unique story to tell of their own quest for authentic identity. Accepting BIID—whether you are the one with the condition or the one who knows someone with the condition—is all about accepting yourself first (a selfish thing to do, but ultimately quite beneficial to everyone involved).

This is just my opinion. Much respect to you all, keep going in your quest, and always be true to yourself. You know what to do, so just listen to what your heart is saying. The first relationship you have to fulfill is the one with the person staring back at you in the mirror. There may be trials, there may be very difficult times to go through that make you cry or hurt inside; there may be loss of loved ones or friends. But, in the end, you will never be happy subjugating your life to another. Find your own inner peace first, and then you will naturally attract those into your life who will accept all the beauty of the uniquely rich, storied life you have lived. The loss of others will be offset by the gaining of your most trusted, best friend and confidant that you could ever meet: you.

Thanks for your long and thoughtful comment Alicia :) Much appreciated.

And thanks to everyone else as well. I think we’re all on the same page. But then, we’re preaching to the choir, aren’t we?

Wow

Words fail me.

Alicia, this is beautiful and so powerful !

Sean, thank you for raising this subject. I can’t add anything to what the others have said.

Alicia, it’s great to hear your point of view! I’m glad to see there is someone out there that isn’t an ignorant reactionary! We need more people like you!

You make several great points, and you clearly understand what we’ve all been saying, thank you for your kindness and open-mindedness.

Chloe, you’ve got quite the awesome partner! :)

Thank you all, for your kind words. I am glad you enjoyed my thoughts. I have certainly deeply appreciated all of yours as well. :)

Whoops, this is Alicia, not Chloe, lol. I guess Chloe was on my PC earlier. :)

That’ll get confusing!

I won’t be posting here much, lol. :) Just had something I wanted to get off my chest in the hopes it might help someone!
~Alicia

This is the real Chloe back now. It confused the heck out of me. ;)

Thank you Alicia for your well thought out post. I think it does us good to read the other side of the coin and I for one would welcome any other posts you make (no matter how few they are). I’m not in a relationship but reading about these things will hopefully better equip me for when I am in one… if that ever happens.

I’m with Tom: I’m speechless. Thank you, Alicia. It is nice to “meet” you.