I’m not even remotely anything approaching suicidal. I always wear my seatbelt, I rarely speed. I’m not doing anything stupid. I know we’re not supposed to talk about self-injury method stuff so I’ll just say I have “something” set up in the car so that hopefully an accident would give me what I want without actually hurting me. Well, without hurting anything beyond what I want hurt anyway!

I’ve been in what would have been a serious accident if I hadn’t been wearing a seatbelt years ago (just had a mild concussion) so the idea of a car crash doesn’t really scare me overly much. That accident was before I was really aware of my BIID issues so at the time I was just thankful to be ok. Now I think back on it with a lot of “what could have been” issues.

Which isn’t to say the BIID showed up recently. It’s just that I didn’t realize it was a concrete “thing” until the last year-ish. There’s been at least a vague desire for my legs to not work since I was little, it’s just become stronger recently. I have this theory that as I’ve dealt with other more obvious issues my more hidden ones have started to come to the surface.

We ran a story at work that said that July 4th is the “second deadliest” night after New Year’s (i.e. drunk driving stuff). This knowledge has resulted in my driving around aimlessly after work for a couple hours. Did it last night, planning to tonight.

I know the chances of an accident are small, and that anything like my desired outcome is even more unlikely. And yet there I am.

No I’m not driving recklessly, I have no desire to hurt someone else. I guess I figure if I put myself where drunk idiots get in accidents maybe, just maybe, what I want to happen, will.

However this does demonstrate how desperate we can get or have become.

Still, I’m a little behind with my thoughts on this. First I have to send several hundred letters to surgeons before contemplating such action.

Peter