transabled.org

I can relate to that in many ways.
All I can say is, I am glad you didn’t do it, and you’re still plodding on.
-hug-

This hit home. I’m not going to attempt stabbing myself with a knife, but many scenarios come to my mind daily. You’re right, one is never truly ready. Consequently, today is as good as any other day.

I’d never even thought of this scenario or others concerning the spine, mainly because until last week I was totally ignorant of the means to achieve paralysis.

However this does demonstrate how desperate we can get or have become.

Still, I’m a little behind with my thoughts on this. First I have to send several hundred letters to surgeons before contemplating such action.

Peter

Yesterday I had my own version of this.

We ran a story at work that said that July 4th is the “second deadliest” night after New Year’s (i.e. drunk driving stuff). This knowledge has resulted in my driving around aimlessly after work for a couple hours. Did it last night, planning to tonight.

I know the chances of an accident are small, and that anything like my desired outcome is even more unlikely. And yet there I am.

No I’m not driving recklessly, I have no desire to hurt someone else. I guess I figure if I put myself where drunk idiots get in accidents maybe, just maybe, what I want to happen, will.

Oh Sean, I feel you. I have most certainly been there. I have opened the drawer, gripped the knife, noted how it felt in my hand, thought about the angle of entry, reflected on my last moments as an AB, pressed the knife into my back hard enough to leave a mark for about 30 seconds, and finally thought to myself “well, it’s now or never”…and…I…whimpered and dropped the knife.

Which it good, because that plan just won’t work and (for several reasons) I surely would have been killed. For me, I knew I had used up the last of my reserves of energy and I would not be able to fight this off again. I was at that SCI or bust(death) point. A trip to the psychiatrist in the morning was an absolute must.

Why do we have to be in such pain that our brains start to convince us that this butchery is a reasonable solution?

It seems that you’re significantly stronger. As always, wishing you the best, mate.

@Kat (possible TMI) Before my suicide attempt, I started driving faster and faster each day, with no seatbelt and no airbags. I figured that I’d either get sufficiently injured or just be dead. Didn’t matter to me which at the time. When no accident ever happened, I had to make my own. Not a happy time in my life.

**For those with meds - take them please**

@Lane - No worries :)

I’m not even remotely anything approaching suicidal. I always wear my seatbelt, I rarely speed. I’m not doing anything stupid. I know we’re not supposed to talk about self-injury method stuff so I’ll just say I have “something” set up in the car so that hopefully an accident would give me what I want without actually hurting me. Well, without hurting anything beyond what I want hurt anyway!

I’ve been in what would have been a serious accident if I hadn’t been wearing a seatbelt years ago (just had a mild concussion) so the idea of a car crash doesn’t really scare me overly much. That accident was before I was really aware of my BIID issues so at the time I was just thankful to be ok. Now I think back on it with a lot of “what could have been” issues.

Which isn’t to say the BIID showed up recently. It’s just that I didn’t realize it was a concrete “thing” until the last year-ish. There’s been at least a vague desire for my legs to not work since I was little, it’s just become stronger recently. I have this theory that as I’ve dealt with other more obvious issues my more hidden ones have started to come to the surface.

Good to hear you’re OK Kat. Maybe I shouldn’t have addressed my comments to you directly.

I understand - I also have a plan for *something* in my car.

It’s all good. It’s wonderful that people care about each other ’round here!