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I’m a wimp!
Written by Sean on Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Well, maybe I am, maybe I’m not. I’ve been thinking about ways to get an SCI. Some more hare-brained than others. None of them realistic, of course, and sadly. One recurring idea involves somehow managing to jump and break my back on some object.
Beyond the obvious flaws of this idea, there’s the fact that it would *hurt*. Well, doh! you’ll say. Yes, breaking bones and damaging spinal cord would hurt. But it’s one thing to be in an accident and have it happen, and another entirely gearing yourself to do it, and know you’ll hurt.
I remember as a teenager, thinking that if I kicked the wall hard enough, I might break a toe or something. I never could manage that much. Good thing too, since what I wanted was a cast and they don’t cast broken toes! I was reminded of this when I started thinking more seriously about this jump and the resulting damage to bones. Oy, how it would hurt. And I’m a wimp, I don’t want to cause myself pain.
Beggars can’t be choosers and all that. If you’re desperate enough to want an SCI, you got to be aware there’ll be endless pain, including nerve pain, that the actual shock of breaking bone and such is potentially only minimal compared to ongoing other levels of pain.
I’ve been enduring some pretty nasty tooth "aches" in my days and that’s hard enough. Nerve pain day in/day out? Foolishly, I guess I could. But stepping back off that roof, that ladder, that whatever, consciously and willingly, it remains a big ask. There is a certain amount of self-preservation instinct built-in the human psyche, and I’ve not eradicated that part out (yet?), nor found a way to circumvent it.
I was thinking that perhaps I could get myself drunk, or at least drunk enough to lose some inhibitions. But then, we all know that drunks manage the most horrendous accidents and falls without hurting themselves. So it would be just my luck that I’d fall, get my kidney kicked in, get up and dust myself as if not much had happened..
And in the meantime, the wannabe demons keep at me incessantly, during my waking hours and during my sleeping hours. The depression has still relented to some degree.
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1 On 2 April, 2007, lucien said:
I believe I can relate to that worry about when is the best time, how to do it, etc. However, my biggest concern is, like you, the pain involved (sometimes I think that is the only thing that keeps me from doing it) in such a drastic change to your body. I wish there could be some way that we could pull the “cut it now” (or whatever you want) without worrying about the excruciating pain that follows.
I guess that that is our last defence from doing something that will hurt us, because we have made up our minds that life would be so much better the new, true way. All that stands in the way is the fear of the pain involved.