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Home / Thoughts / Sean's Thoughts / I feel cheated

I feel cheated

Written by Sean on Sunday, November 27, 2005

I feel cheated. I feel I signed up for a deal and I’m not getting what was promised. Well, I guess that’s true of most people at one time or another, but I’m talking about my relationship. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all bad, not by a long shot. But there is some stuff that’s definitely less than optimal.

In particular, what I’m feeling cheated out of right now is the feeling that my partner gets "it" and is open to the fact I’m transabled. Or rather, the difference between the fact she says she’s open to it, but the mixed messages I get that tells me she’s not really open. She knew about my being transabled a long time before we ever actually met or considered a relationship. She’s always said she was supportive of me and open to my needs.

And she is, as I’m able to wheel mostly as I see fit. But she really hates the chair. She says it separates us. She doesn’t openly object to my wheeling, but little signals here and there show me that it’s a lot for her to handle. And to be fair, it probably isn’t easy to live with someone who has the needs I have.

But before we met, we discussed things at length. She even was telling me that she was sure that at some point sooner rather than later I’d get what I need, i’d acquire that SCI. She didn’t want to actively help with that, and I wouldn’t expect her to. But she was much more open minded about it then than she appears to be now.

And so I’m finding myself in a situation where I expected to be able to fully be myself and have the support I need, but don’t get any of it. I can’t even talk about how much it hurts, because it’s "too much".

Yeah, cheated all right.