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Home / Thoughts / Sean's Thoughts / How long?

How long?

Written by Sean on Thursday, October 20, 2005

Is the chinaman? Oops. No, seriously. Just how long can one live in crisis? Doesn’t something have to give, at some point? It feels like I’ve been going on and on in crisis mode for ever, always getting nearer breaking point, never quite reaching it.

But surely, at some point it’ll have to give? Or is the human mind so resilient that it’ll just keep absorbing more and more stuff that’s thrown at it? No, I don’t think so. I really don’t. Tonight has been one of the worse nights I’ve had in a long time. I tried reading, but read the same sentence over and over, without picking up what I was reading. In the end, I gave up, I just put the book down.

My dog was cuddling up with me. I would like to think she knew something was up, but that is so anthropomorphic it’s not even funny. She’s a hedonist and just likes being cuddled and have her ears scratched. She’s a slut! But I don’t begrudge her that. Nevertheless, I was on the couch, and she was on the couch, laying on her back, four paws in the air.

I wanted to cry, no tears came. Perhaps I’m still holding on, trying to control myself. Perhaps I know that if I crack and let the tears flow, they’ll never stop. I’ve been holding myself "together" for so long now, things feel so fragile. I can’t let go, can I? And so the pressure keeps building.

A day at a time. If you can’t handle that, take it an hour at a time. And if even that is too much, you take it a minute at a time, or a breath at a time. And that’s what I did earlier tonight. Breathe in, breathe out. You’ve not cracked yet. Breathe in, breathe out. You’re still alive. Small victory. Huge victory. If you haven’t been there, you can’t possibly know. If you haven’t been there, don’t you dare judge me. Don’t you go and tell me "see a shrink". Don’t advise me "take a pill".

Great big rip within. No amount of glue will fix it. Just like the lamp that the wind blew down and broke in pieces yesterday. Epoxy glued the pieces back together, albeit the thing looks clumsy now. But the essence of the lamp is broken. Even plugged in, with a fresh bulb in it, it just won’t turn on anymore. I fear that’s what would happen with me if I let go at this point. They’ll never put all the pieces back together, and even if they did, there would be some great gaping holes, and even if the holes allowed me to function somehow, I still wouldn’t be put back together properly.

In crisis. And the crisis is reaching its zenith. But the closer it gets to the apogee, the further that point moves. It’s building up, and building up.

And it’s been building since March this year, or earlier. On 17 May of this year, I wrote something and asked how long can this be sustained?. And I mentioned it had been 8 or 9 weeks of transabled attack. THis means I’ve been going on, in crisis, for at least a full 8 months. Is this a question of 9 months of gestation? What will be birthted when I reach the 9 months? Hmmm, strange concept.