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Home / Thoughts / Sean's Thoughts / How long can this be sustained?

How long can this be sustained?

Written by Sean on Tuesday, May 17, 2005

It has now been a good 8 or 9 weeks of strong wannabe feelings, and of depression. Just how long can I keep on going like that? How long before I really lose the plot and end up needing to be institutionalised, in a padded cell with a straight jacket? One would think that the human ability to handle constant emotional turmoil is finite, but this is obviously not the case at this point.

Of course, my "suffering" pales in comparison to other people like those incarerated in dubious jails for months and years on end. Yet, it’s not because others are suffering more or in different ways that my pain is not true. And it certainly is painful, and constant, for me.

So I stick my head down, wait for things to pass. They aren’t passing, but eventually they will. At some point in my future things have to get better, don’t they? My life’s been full of up and downs and emotional roller coasters of that kind, so there’s no reason for the pattern to stop now.

Perhaps the length of the down-phase is equivalent to the length of the up-phase? I had a good long run not too tainted with transability and depression, and the pendulum had time to take momentum, so now I’m swinging the other way with a vengeance. Could that be it?

At times it feels like I’m drowning, but when I come close to passing out for lack of air, instead of coming back to the surface, it’s almost as if I grew gills and can breath through the water. Almost as if depression and pain is a "normal" state (in as much as there is such a thing as normal) to which I have adapted.

And I certainly hope that’s not the case, because if the rest of my life is going to be like this, I just might consider blowing my head off.