Blog > Thoughts > Sean's Thoughts > Hard Times Brewing
Hard Times Brewing
Written by Sean on Sunday, August 9, 2009
I’m going through a conflicted and rather emotional hard time lately. It’s somewhat different from other recent hard times. Other times, it’s been more BIID itself that was laying siege. These last few days, it’s about psychotherapy, whether I should go forward or not, how to do it, and whom to do it with.
As you’ve read, I’ve started meeting with a new therapist. Things are not ideal, but there is something that I can benefit from there, I think. One of the issues at play is that I don’t like the new guy. And I believe it’s important to have a good relationship with your therapist. At my last meeting with my old therapist this morning, I verbalised it this way:
“Should I trust my gut feeling, which is usualy pretty accurate, that we don’t click and not work with him, or should I set that aside and take what I can from him?”
I’ve decided to give it a fair go, and work with him. I can keep my antennaes out and make sure that I’m not going too far down a path I believe will hurt me more than help me, although I have to be ready for some short term upheaval.
One of the things that bother me is that I don’t want to be "cured". I’ve spoken about that many times before. BIID is such an integral part of me that I have no idea what would be left of *me* if that was changed, or deconstructed. Perhaps it is fear holding back a desire to change that. I have to be ready to admit that if I’m to be honest with myself.
I will be going ahead, giving this new guy a chance. But I also know it will likely throw me in some turmoil. And that won’t be easy on me, on my partner, on you, my readers, even.
Time will tell!
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6 Comments
@Seth. It may well be that I am not facing up to the truth. Nevertheless, I would much rather die in a reckless attempt at paraplegia than curl up in a corner and die of ennui.
Maybe I’m just a different person and can push emotional pain and torment to the back of my head and just not do anything about it, living with it day to day. I’m trying not to let my feelings control my life, while still actively looking for a way to get what I want.Somedays are harder then others, but I’m sure that Sean and you both have more days of doing that then I do, so maybe I’ll get to the point and just snap, letting it control every aspect of my life. I’m having a hard enough time not letting other things do that, I don’t need one more on top.
4 On 10 August, 2009, Phil said:
Sean,
if you act in spite of your gut feeling, it will be interesting. But why not follow your gut feeling here?
“BIID is such an integral part of me that I have no idea what would be left of *me* if that was changed, or deconstructed.”
Why this fear? There will always be enough of you, maybe more than now. If you would feel more like a free person, at ease in your body as it is now… with BIID as a part of your history, as a long-time experience, but not as something that has to be there all the time (and torture you)… wouldn’t that be worth it?
If you now have no idea what would be left of you and this is a barrier to “healing”, you are not open for development, you want to know the outcomes before the trial.
This can be your very deep knowledge of what you HAVE TO do, what your life has to look like – or resistance, one of the layers, one of the shields that protect you from being hurt AND from living out your life to the fullest?
Just some thoughts.
5 On 10 August, 2009, Sean said:
@Seth, the definition of cure is probably one of the tricky things that I was trying to get the therapist to agree with. I do think that when people think of “cure”, they mean the eradication of BIID. Becoming paralysed, or an amputee is not a *cure* for BIID, but (one of many possible) treatment for it.
I don’t like him because there wasn’t that initial “spark”. It has nothing to do with what he’s told me or not. I hope I’m not naive enough to fall into the trap of disliking someone merely because they disagree with me. It has much more to do with first impressions, etc.
You’re right, I am looking for someone to help me get your SCI. But the therapist here is NOT one of the people I’m looking at to help with that. I know this is not the right avenue for that particular goal. I am going “there” because I believe it might help me deal with the pain and anguish and other negative emotions related to BIID. And I know full well that things WILL get uncomfortable on the way, if it leads anywhere at all.
6 On 10 August, 2009, Sean said:
@Seth, it’s not a question of “snapping” and “letting [BIID] control every aspect of [our] lives”. I haven’t *let* that happen anymore than I would *let* a 300 pound martial artist overpower me.
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1 On 9 August, 2009, seth said:
Been a while since I posted here as I’ve been going through the “leaving it all behind” phase of trying to deal with BIID. However, one thing you said made me want to post.
“One of the things that bother me is that I don’t want to be “cured”.”
What is your definition of cured? Cured, as in you don’t want the feelings of BIID? Or cured as in you want your SCI? Personally, I want my injury. I don’t want to use my legs. That is my cure.
Also, ask for his feelings regarding your relationship. Is it strictly professional? If so, it is better that way, as he can stay objective without emotions getting involved. Odds are you don’t like him because he is telling you things you don’t want to hear, or hasn’t helped you cope yet. No offense, but my mother is the same way in that regard. She has an “illness” and if the doctor doesn’t give her an uber rare diagnosis, she doesn’t like him and finds a new doctor to see.
I think you are looking for someone to help you get your SCI. Odds are that won’t happen, and odds are you will never achieve what it is you want. This is something we all have to face. If you wanted an amp, you could self inflict and get what you want, but an SCI is a lot of dangerous in executing, and almost guaranteed you will not get it. You will most likely spend the rest of your days pretending. Sadly, it’s the truth, no matter how much any of us want to face that truth.