Blog > Thoughts > Sean's Thoughts > Guilt, Shame, BIID
Guilt, Shame, BIID
Written by Sean on Friday, August 27, 2010
Shame and guilt. Guilt and shame. These are emotions most, if not all, people who have BIID have experienced. Because of the BIID. I am glad to say that I don’t experience shame or guilt because of my BIID, not anymore. But I used to. And these emotions are strong, negative and destructive.
I was just emailing with someone who has BIID and who is feeling ashamed and is feeling guilty. This person said:
I’m in a place where I’m horrified and shamed at my thoughts and desires regarding BIID!
That’s a tough spot to be in. It’s a spot worth working bloody hard at leaving though.
The thing is, we should only feel shame and guilt for things that are under our control.
And BIID is NOT under our control. We can’t just will it away. We can’t just take a pill to make it go away. We can’t just go in psychotherapy and have it go away. We certainly did not *ask* to have BIID.
And repressing it, just "willing it away" – that doesn’t work either. We may think it’s gone, but all that time, it’s eating us inside, festering and making us unhappy.
I’m not too sure when, or how I let go of shame and guilt. It probably was around the time it fully sunk in my pea-brain that I am not responsible for my BIID.
YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT FOR HAVING BIID.
There, clear enough?
If it’s not your fault, then you’re not guilty. And if you’re not guilty, then there’s no point to shame!!!
Unless somehow, your subconscious finds it useful to be ashamed. What do you get from that emotion? What use is it?
If it’s no (positive) use, then… Well, shed it.
I know, easier said than done. But if *I* managed it, as messed up as I am, then so can you, my friend!
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6 Comments
This is my first time commenting, but I have read many of the archived posts since finding this site about a month ago. Like many others I never knew there were other people who felt the need to be paralyzed until I found this site. For me, finding out that am not alone in these feelings has done wonders for lessening my feelings of guilt and shame. For that, I thank you, Sean, for creating this site for all of us.
I’m so glad you found us and that you’re not alone any more, Shayna. I look forward to hearing more about you.
@Chloe
I’m having trouble even typing a reply to your post right now…I still can hardly believe I’m not the only one who has these thoughts. If you really would like to hear more about me, please email me at shayna81@gmx.com. I find it so difficult to even post public messages like this.
5 On 28 August, 2010, Sophie said:
Welcome Shayna, your in the right place. Most of us here know what it’s like to realise we “aren’t the only one”. All we can do is help support each other and hope that our own experiences adds to others who read them.
@Shayna, welcome! The best moment of my life was then I found I am not the only biid-er in the world.
@Sean, well said, as clearly as I’ve ever seen that stated. Thanks again for being our guru. I know it costs you emotionally but I don’t know what we’d have done without you.
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1 On 27 August, 2010, Chloe said:
Three years ago I had never explicitly told a single person about my BIID. That’s how powerful guilt and shame can be. Now, as with Sean, those negative emotions have completely evaporated and a huge burden has been lifted. It can take a bit of psychological work to get there, but as Sean says, it is worth every bit of effort.
For me there were three factors which facilitated this. Firstly I had an excellent psychotherapist who worked hard with me to ditch that crap. He reassured me that I had no reason to feel ashamed of who I am. It doesn’t matter whether you consider BIID to be a medical condition, a mental illness, or whatever. We didn’t choose to be this way.
My psychotherapist also convinced me that if I was feeling okay about it myself, then there was no reason not to share it with my friends. He was absolutely correct. I have now told more than 100 people IRL. The overwhelming support and acceptance from a large majority of my friends strongly reinforces the dissipation of any shame or guilt.
Last, but not least, this website shows me that I am not alone. I am not some isolated freak that nobody can relate to. There are many of you out there in whom I recognise myself.
I agree with Sean. I did it. So can you.