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Home / Thoughts / Sean's Thoughts / Getting rid of these feelings!

Getting rid of these feelings!

Written by Sean on Thursday, May 12, 2005

What if I could get cured? Rid of the transabled feelings. What if this thing could just let me be? Would I do whatever it takes not to be feeling this way anymore? It’s a tough question, and quite honestly, I don’t know the answer.

I do know I want the constant hurt to go away. I know that my life would probably be easier if I didn’t feel the way I did. I might be just as messed up with something else, I don’t know. But being transabled is not easy. I didn’t ask to be this way. I don’t have those feelings by choice, they are there of their own accord. And in and of themselves, I think it’s no worse (nor better) than many other problems people have. I’m not an alocholic, nor am I a drug addict (as a friend of mine says, I did try to snort Coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose…), so in terms of the "messed up scale", perhaps I’m not that doomed.

But I defy anyone who shares the transabled feelings with me, be it as a para wannabe, or an amputee wannabe, or any other flavour of it, I defy anyone to honestly say that their life hasn’t been made much more difficult because of those feelings.

Probably if it could be done again, and I could chose, knowing then what I know now, I would opt not to have these feelings. Right now, I can’t conceive a life without the chair. But… If the hurt could go away, and it didn’t involve the chair, I think I would go for it.

I only think that, as I *am* unsure. I actually enjoy wheeling. I have gained so much from my experience as a wheeler, experiences that have shaped me in positive ways. I don’t know that I’d want to give that up. Giving up wheeling would be giving up my belonging to a certain community, a familly that I have not experienced anywhere else. And that belonging is important to me. I am who I am because of the transabled feelings I have.

But then, not having transabled feelings, perhaps I’d fit better with other groups I tried to join in the past. Who knows?

Would removing that part of me alter me so significantly that it’s something not to do? It is a fear I have. Other than the pain and hurt and depression, I happen to like who I am, what I am. I don’t know that I really want to change that significantly.

The thing is, this line of thinking is somewhat moot, as there are no "cure" available. Some people have good success with medication, others with therapy. Some other folks have success with other regimens or treatment. A handful managed to get an amputation, and that worked for them. But in the end, the majority of people I’ve spoken to have had no success with any treatment. So, is thinking about how I’d feel without the transabled feeling just wishful thinking? Pointless? I sure as hell don’t know myself.

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