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Home / Thoughts / Sean's Thoughts / Getting an SCI? Yes? No?

Getting an SCI? Yes? No?

Written by Sean on Sunday, July 25, 2004

I’ve been saying for years that I didn’t think that becoming paraplegic would actually solve what ails me. I have been opposed to people wanting to become amputees, or paraplegics (including myself), if they’d hoped to suddenly be cured after a surgery.

But I am changing my mind on this. Let me tell you why

First, I should point out that I still hold firm in the belief that realizing one’s "dreams" is not likely to cure any of us of the transabled feelings we have. This is important to understand.

But I also am thinking that while it would not cure me, the anguish I am living with while in the throws of transabled crisis is nearly unbearable. Most everything in my life is going well, but for this "horrid detail". Despite all the positive, I feel depressed. I even have some suicidal thoughts, though it isn’t serious. Not yet anyway.

I am thinking that it would certainly be a way to stop the hurt. But there is too much to enjoy to really entertain that thought seriously. After all, suicide is not a viable option (pun intended).

So what would acquiring an SCI accomplish?

It would give me the space to focus on other things. Focus on healing the inside. Once the gap between self-perception and outter image is gapped, I shall be able to move on.

The cynic might point out that it would be better, healthier, and perhaps easier to bridge that gap by fixing the self-perception, rather than fix the outter image. But it has now been 30 years that I’ve lived with this problem, 20 years of trying to find a solution, and a good 12 years of actively trying to change my feelings of wanting to be disabled. To no avail.

{mospagebreak}

Someone else might say that if I did get an SCI, I’d have to deal with the drudgery of a disability. They would say that there are many problems associated with a disability. And I would have to agree with that. I know full well that being a paraplegic is not “all fun and games”.

But I also know that living with a disability is not all serious stuff, and it isn’t a life of problems. The majority of those with disabilities I know are happy. Not in spite of, nor because of their disability. But, they are happy.

I lived for nearly 7 years full time as a paraplegic (in public anyway). I have done as much of a real life test as is possible. I fully understand the potential implication of an SCI. Let me repeat that, I fully understand what could be in store for me. I am not glamourizing paraplegia. I am not thinking that I would be cured.

Yet, I have become convinced that paraplegia is my only hope to ever be able to find true and continued happiness

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