transabled.org

I understand the pain that leads someone to commit suicide. I understand the pain that is left behind. I am not in a position to pass judgement. I wonder if those who pass judgement really understand.

During my current depressive episode I have wanted to curl up and fade away into nothingness. Judgement is not helpful. But compassion and understanding is.

Hugging you with love, Sean. I’m glad that you are alive.

This thread confronted me on a couple of levels. I have two nephews who have attempted suicide, one of them attempted four times. My grandfather on my father’s side was a suicide, and as my own father entered his geriatric decline in health also committed suicide. My family will never know whether my brother’s death from drug overdose was intentional, but I suspect it was.

As for myself, I have periods of deep depression. I often wonder if my life will have a positive impact on someone, and I hope for some “divinely ordained purpose” and a reason to be here. My conception was due to a broken condom, but the result was a reasonably intelligent, articulate, and somewhat handsome man (no arrogance intended). During the “dark” times I stay away from the book of Ecclesiastes and avoid playing Morrissey on the iPod. I have to keep thinking that some “accidents” as perceived by human eyes are part of a greater plan- and therefore not an accident at all.

Life is difficult, some people abandon hope. Sometimes hope is all I can hang on to, and I try to remember past times when the depression melted. Situations didn’t necessarily change, but the willingness to fight against them did. In retrospect each depressive bog left me with the feeling that it was more self-torture without legitimate reason than anything else.

For some reason I get through depression. I don’t know how I do, but I do. Perhaps depression gives an opportunity for others around you to share themselves and show that they love you and support you- therefore, it has a purpose. My suicide would prevent this opportunity for others, and would eliminate me from providing it to others. Human life is an interdependent web, and everyone is necessary.

Sean- what you’re doing with this site impacts a lot of people, helps us untangle one of the knots we have in our lives. You’re fulfilling a great purpose and I’m grateful that you’re alive to do it. Thanks for investing yourself into us.

Hello all – and a happy new year to you! May 2012 get you all one step further again on the way you want to go or have to go, whatever this step might look like.

I haven’t posted comments in a very long time, but have been coming across every now and then in the past few weeks. Now I have to.

Mark, I would like to thank you for this particular comment. It reflects so much what I feel – there must be a “divinely ordained purpose” as you express it. And always, if somebody wants to give something, there must be somebody else who takes.
I also agree about the self-torture with depression – I had a couple of depressive episodes since I was about sixteen years old. Three years ago, there was the last and the longest one which “took” me about a year to overcome it. But at the end of the day, I must also admit, looking behind the self-torture, that there has never been a year in my life, where I have learned so much. About myself, about others, and about how fantastic friends I have. There has also never been a year in my life that left me stronger, more hopeful and more grateful.

@Katie: Thanks- After I hit the “submit” button I was embarrassed at myself for being an emotional sop. I meant what I said regardless… it’s the truth (as I know it).

I’m careful to distinguish between frustration, anguish, and depression. Between Thanksgiving and the middle of June of last year, I had the longest period of BIID frustration and anguish that I’ve ever had- and it was •NOT• depression! I honestly wanted the body image finally resolved, and made plans to (better not say…). If it weren’t for Sean’s posts about the unpredictability and danger of the whole thing… well, enough said.

Addendum to previous post: And if it were possible to be 100% assured of success in the attempt, I would have done it. In the aftermath of that episode, I still wish it would have happened, and I feel a little shame that I didn’t have the balls to see it through.

No, you are not ;-)) And what’s wrong about being emotional from time to time?

I experienced as well that BIID frustration does not necessarily come with depression. In fact, my last depressive episode had not much to do with BIID at all, it’s rather lurking around the corner when everything else is just fine. But I hope the more I learn about depression, the less I will have to struggle, because everytime I know a bit better what helps and what sucks. I noticed that it is important to accept, that I’m somewhat limited in all I do, but to never permit myself to think that this is goint to last forever – even after months. And I still hope it might have been the last episode of depression in my life. I could cut a couple of factors that triggered it, so who knows?

As for the BIID – I haven’t come this far yet. Still overwhelming me when I least expect it.
My body image is one of a L2/L3-paraplegic as well. And yes, I know it is stupid, and irrational, and what else, I can’t help though. It’s what I feel since my very early childhood. Still – would there be a way of achieving this legally, I would not go for it. At least not as long as my parents are still alive. I admire everybody who managed telling anybody in the family, I coudn’t even dream of it!

I just got back from lunch at the hospital cafeteria. I sat with the same person as yesterday, a young woman who attempted suicide by setting herself on fire and jumping out of a third story window. She and I hit it off immediately. My empathy levels go sky high, and people know intuitively that they have complete emotional safety with me.

Today I enabled her to smile a lot, and I could see that I was having a positive impact on her self esteem. I love coming to work at a psychiatric hospital! It’s good for *my* self esteem.