*Of course* there is something to be learned and gained from my interactions there. That is why I am still forging ahead, despite my discomfort and doubts.

As for teaching/learning, no, I’m not there to teach anything. I’m there to get what I can out of them. I’m sure I’ll learn *and* teach in the process, because therapy does that. But my goal ain’t to teach.

Likewise, anybody who tries to persuade me that I don’t need to be paraplegic can stuff it too. I am who I am. If anybody has a problem with that, it’s THEIR problem for THEM to deal with.

I’m still feeling a bit conflicted about whether or not I should forge ahead with this. Thanks for the comments though, they are very helpful.

@Cath thank you for phrasing it that way. “This is your life, come to terms with it”, yes, it does feel a bit like that. No, that isn’t what I want. That said, the idea of serenity is appealing.

“Psychotherapists will always seek to explain behaviour in terms of subconscious desires, it’s what they do. Until we have evidence to prove otherwise, they will continue to do so.”

Yeah. But there is evidence that points towards neurology rather than subconscious desires, isn’t there? Just have to get that more widely known and replicated.

@Phil, Yes, the therapist seems to me to have an optimistic view of life, or at least of therapy. It also annoys me that he wouldn’t acknowledge me at all when I tried to present my point of view. Yes, he’s trying to shift my “paradigm”, but still.

I do agree that there may be something positive to gain out of this journey, and it’s possibly worth it to embark on it.

The funny thing about resistance, is that in the last two or three weeks I’ve had a few dreams that helped me feel less resistant, more open, to self-injury. Weird.

The idea of “you just have to want it bad enough” annoys me tremendously. It pisses me off that people tell spinal cord injured patients that they aren’t walking because they don’t want it bad enough. And by the same token, it annoys me that the therapist implied I still experienced emotional pain from BIID because I didn’t want it enough.

But then, his argument really was that if I change my paradigm, I will view things differently, hence come to the conclusion it’s all resolvable by “surrendering”. I would be surprised if it were the case. But then that’s the thing about paradigms. If I live in a box and never see outside the box, I would be surprised to see what is outside of my box. I am not naive enough to think it impossible for me to be stuck in such a paradigm. Perhaps for that alone it is worth starting on this path.

Sean, one thing struck me when reading. You said that the therapist made you feel bad because of the thought you might be resistant to get over BIID: “Because if it’s true, it means I am a failure. It means that I have not healed from BIID because I don’t want it bad enough!”

I know how this feels, I think.

But you are not a failure. IF there’s a resistance, it serves a purpose and is meaningful, it was necessary and maybe still is. If at all, one can only slowly lower the shield and get a more free view, let go of the resistance and all that.

The problem with BIID is that it is not just something, and when I only want it, I can overcome it. It is in my will. How can I want not to want what I want? Can I split up my will into one higher and one lower level, the higher will let go of the lower will (BIID)? Yes, sometimes I can. I just can concentrate on other things, I can enjoy dancing and hiking. But sometimes I cannot.

If BIID is a dis-ease, it is a disease of the will itself. That makes it so complicated.

Maybe I haven’t got enough freedom as a small child, wasn’t allowed to have my will and to do what I needed to do, to enjoy myself including my body. That could be a logical explanation of the fact that I don’t feel at home and at ease in all of my body as it is, and that it is in my will to have a smaller body.

In any case, it’s not your fault, but your suffering. “You just have to want it” is not enough – it shows not much understanding of the condition.

this made me remember what a teacher once said to us about translating:
“Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.”

This therapist has a very optimistic view on life and the world. What would he say to somebody who just is about to die? “If you let fall all layers…”? Surrender? To what? In the end, we all surrender. Sounds very religious (even very catholic).

I don’t know about his spirituality. I myself are very open for spiritual approaches, because I have a certain feeling that matter is not everything.

Now even if your therapist seems a bit naive to me, some of what he has to offer might be worth thinking about and trying out.

Maybe BIID is really a kind of protection? Disability as something that is easier to bear than something else? And this something else being so heavy or hurting that we don’t even remember it, don’t feel it, aren’t aware of it?

My therapist said that the other way round is not so seldom: Somebody suffers from paralysis for mental reasons and is healed by psychotherapy.

What could be behind the layers, behind the protecting shield? Fear? Fear of what? Of course, there would have to be some resistance to lay down these armours.

Do I desire to lose my legs because I fear(ed) that I could lose my body, part of it, the ability to go anywhere, …?

At the moment I think: IF BIID has another source, it has to do with inner barriers, rigid thoughts and habits, tensions and being uptight, in mind, soul, body – and sexuality. (And behind most of these there might be fear.)

And I see how my work and other circumstances keep me from getting a really easy-going approach to life and relationship of body and soul (TV, computers, politics, competitive atmosphere, not enough work to be done with my body, …)

I guess in my case it could only be solved in an attempt covering both fields, body and soul/mind, and not only by talk therapy or so. IF it can be solved at all without surgery. Which I hope very much.

ACT sounds interesting (I looked it up in the German and the English wikipedia article). More awareness, less judgment, that sounds good. About the commitment, well, this is another rigid frame where I think more true spontaneity could be healing.

But what you wrote about your therapist makes the impression on me that he is NOT unjudgmental and aware, but preoccupied by his belief. And that would be a difficult situation for me, confusing and dangerous, two or more layers.

Learning to accept and to watch yourself without clinging to your emotions is certainly worth a lot of work, but if the therapist is not really accepting and listening, but thinks he knows what’s good and how to solve any problem he hasn’t really much knowledge of – then I get doubts about such a “professional” and the truth in his motivation and method. In general, I am skeptical of approaches which seem to fit to any problem (“one size fits all”).

Chloe, your comment is good!

His jokes and analogies strike me as somewhat glib. My therapist (who is much more of the ‘analytic’ school), is much more into the idea that I use BIID as a shield because I do not want to be touched, on an emotional and physical level, or indeed to touch others for fear of rejection. And while I am not rejecting it as a metaphor, it doesn’t preclude the physiolgical explanation either. Pasychotherapists will always seek to explain behaviour in terms of subconscious desires, it’s what they do. Until we have evidence to prove otherwise, they will continue to do so.