Blog > Thoughts > Sean's Thoughts > Engaging On The Path To New Course Of Psychotherapy?
Engaging On The Path To New Course Of Psychotherapy?
Written by Sean on Tuesday, August 4, 2009
After many tribulations, I finally had a "real" appointment at the local community mental health clinic. It was a bit of an assessment, and making sure we’re on the same page. I met with a psychotherapist whom I had already met with before, and a social worker who has trained as a psychotherapist. The encounter was mostly good, and somewhat challenging as well.
As I was waiting for my appointment, I heard the typical "clack" of a crutch hitting the ground. I looked up but didn’t recognise the face. I waited a bit longer for the other person to arrive, and then I was called for the actual appointment. Sure enough, the guy with the crutch was one of the people I was meeting with. I immediately thought "Oh, great, they are putting me to work with a councillor with a disability. Guilt trip maybe?". But that’s not something we’ll have an answer for any time soon I don’t think.
Anyway, we met, the guy introduced himself, and spoke a bit about what he does. I was disapointed, because I’d already told the woman that I’d rather be working with a woman. I just don’t connect well with male therapists, especially considering I was sexually abused by my first therapist, who was male. But I set that aside. I was also a bit bothered by him being a social worker. As the joke says: "I don’t need a social worker, my social life is just fine". But I chose to forget the label, he has apparently has the training and experience, he might be able to help.
He asked what I was hoping to get from this. I said something along the lines of:
"While I think the only way to appease the BIID pain, that is not possible at the moment. I’m suffering a lot, and I must find a way to reduce the pain because it is an unbearable life like this. I’ve done therapy in the past and it hasn’t worked. This time, I’m not looking so much as getting rid of BIID, but at reducing the pain & anguish related to it down to a bearable level".
They thought that was fair enough.
Then the man spoke about Acceptance Compliance Therapy (ACT). He discussed how it is more of a spiritual approach than an analytical approach, especially compared to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. He said that it’s about letting go, and living in the here.
He asked "do you know how many people it takes to change a lightbulb?". I said I didn’t know. He said "Just one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change! And guess who’s the bulb in this room?". I laughed at the joke. I joked back that I was a 100 Watt bulb on a dimmer sometimes. That seems to have taken him aback. I have a feeling he uses that joke a lot but rarely have people come back to him like that.
He talked about the concept of Resistance – that people don’t change because they resist change. He said that you can’t change without having losses. If you want to change a habit, you have to abandon an older one. He gave an example that if I wanted to wear a suit & tie, I would have to abandon my comfortable sweatpants.
I grok that. Makes sense.
He said that he was interested to hear me say that none of the therapies I’d tried had worked. He believes that it’s not the therapy that fails you, but you that fails the therapy. In other words, he was saying that I was too resistant to change to get benefit from therapy. I found that upsetting. I expressed that while I did not want to argue the case with him, it was quite possible that psychotherapy hadn’t worked on me because it can’t touch BIID. If it were only me who hadn’t changed through psychotherapy, I’d be more tempted to buy the line that I’m just not ready/willing to change. But I’m not the only one to have experienced that.
He used the story of a blind woman who shed her clothes and suddenly could see again, a symbology from christianity, I believe. He said that if we are ready to abandon all the layers built, then we can experience full and complete healing.
I admit I have difficulty swallowing that. Because if it’s true, it means I am a failure. It means that I have not healed from BIID because I don’t want it bad enough! I tried to get him to change his position a little bit. I asked if he believed that paraplegics aren’t able to walk because they didn’t want it bad enough. He only said that if we are ready to shed all layers, we can experience full and total healing. I asked a different question that amounted to the same thing: does he believe that a transsexual could be no longer transsexual if they shed those layers. He did not express an actual position, but his answer was pretty much that yes.
I am uncomfortable at the idea of working with someone that believes such a thing, because it seems to be such a basic, and drastic, difference in opinion/belief.
He said that if we worked together, we’d look at shifting paradigms. I admit that is a big paradigm for me. I don’t believe it can be shifted, but I’m open to see what comes out of this.
He asked me to reverse roles, saying I was the therapist and he the client. He asked me what I’d tell him about full healing, considering he has osteo-arthritis. I think that therapy can get you to a point where you accept, and move on, and aren’t bothered by, your condition, in many cases. But I just am unable to think that psychotherapy can cure a medical condition. He did not express an opinion, going into the idea that we hang-on to things for self-protection.
He explained that he’d been resisting a surgery to help his arthritis for 12 years. That in many ways, it was self-protection because he had benefits from having arthritis. At one point he said that those who have had surgery for BIID are happy because they are getting benefits out of the ultimate self-protection. Hmmm.
I talked about the idea of "curing BIID", vs treating it. That if a therapy was able to cure BIID, it would mean that I would not need to be paralysed anymore. Later on, the woman said that she wonders if perhaps I don’t need to go to that point.
I used the image of a puzzle. All the elements of "life" are parts of a puzzle. No one is entirely physical, or spiritual, neurological or psychological, etc. It’s a whole, right? I said that in order to complete the puzzle, to be "healed", you needed all the pieces of the puzzle. I added that a physical condition such as arthritis, paralysis, or conditions like GID or BIID actually remove pieces of the puzzle. You can’t complete the puzzle because there are missing pieces. That doesn’t mean you can’t complete as much of the puzzle as possible. Yet, he argued that the missing pieces are accessible and available, if we are willing to surrender totally.
It very much feels like I am a petulant child that just won’t see the light in front of his nose. I don’t believe I am petulant. Maybe it’s a paradigm that the guy is saying we can shift? I don’t know.
At one point, talking about how perceptions are cultural, he talked about the " red indians in Canada that eat grubs", saying that it’s not viewed as something disgusting in that culture. I fear I took offense at that. I accept I don’t know everything about First Nations’ customs in Canada, I’ve never heard of grubs being eaten there. And I think the term " red indian " offensive. I didn’t say anything, partly he’s a result of his age and upbringing. Still, it rattled.
We finished, 90 minutes later, with him asking me to think some more on what I want, and what I thought of the meeting, and we would meet again, and see if my goals were something that would be worth my while working on with them, and to see if I meet the service’s criteria. I thought that it was already clear what I wanted and that the meeting we’d had was because they’d already established I was meeting the criteria. Hmmmm. Anyway, made an appointment for the following week, and I’ll ponder this some more. Writing this has helped me clarify some of the things.
I want to give this a try. A part of me is very curious to see what can come out of it. Another part of me is reluctant because of the things I mention here. I acknowledge it might just be me "resisting". I don’t know. I guess I’ll bring this up next week and see what’s what.
Tags: BIID, Cure, Healing, Psychotherapist, Therapy
This entry appears in Sean's Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.
12 Comments
2 On 4 August, 2009, Sophie said:
I think in a way I’ve been resistant to EMDR therapy, but in a way it’s because my Aunty has helped me come to the conclusion that I am who I am and I need to stop taking on other peoples problems as my own (their aversion to disabilities etc).
I have to say, Sean, that I am wary of what you are telling us. Possibly this is because I don’t think spiritual healing helps anyone, unless you specifically allign yourself with that therapist’s spirituality. I don’t know anything about ACT, but it strikes me as another version of a ‘this is your life, come to terms with it’ approach.
Is this what you want?
His jokes and analogies strike me as somewhat glib. My therapist (who is much more of the ‘analytic’ school), is much more into the idea that I use BIID as a shield because I do not want to be touched, on an emotional and physical level, or indeed to touch others for fear of rejection. And while I am not rejecting it as a metaphor, it doesn’t preclude the physiolgical explanation either. Pasychotherapists will always seek to explain behaviour in terms of subconscious desires, it’s what they do. Until we have evidence to prove otherwise, they will continue to do so.
4 On 4 August, 2009, Phil said:
Dear Sean,
this made me remember what a teacher once said to us about translating:
“Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.”
This therapist has a very optimistic view on life and the world. What would he say to somebody who just is about to die? “If you let fall all layers…”? Surrender? To what? In the end, we all surrender. Sounds very religious (even very catholic).
I don’t know about his spirituality. I myself are very open for spiritual approaches, because I have a certain feeling that matter is not everything.
Now even if your therapist seems a bit naive to me, some of what he has to offer might be worth thinking about and trying out.
Maybe BIID is really a kind of protection? Disability as something that is easier to bear than something else? And this something else being so heavy or hurting that we don’t even remember it, don’t feel it, aren’t aware of it?
My therapist said that the other way round is not so seldom: Somebody suffers from paralysis for mental reasons and is healed by psychotherapy.
What could be behind the layers, behind the protecting shield? Fear? Fear of what? Of course, there would have to be some resistance to lay down these armours.
Do I desire to lose my legs because I fear(ed) that I could lose my body, part of it, the ability to go anywhere, …?
At the moment I think: IF BIID has another source, it has to do with inner barriers, rigid thoughts and habits, tensions and being uptight, in mind, soul, body – and sexuality. (And behind most of these there might be fear.)
And I see how my work and other circumstances keep me from getting a really easy-going approach to life and relationship of body and soul (TV, computers, politics, competitive atmosphere, not enough work to be done with my body, …)
I guess in my case it could only be solved in an attempt covering both fields, body and soul/mind, and not only by talk therapy or so. IF it can be solved at all without surgery. Which I hope very much.
ACT sounds interesting (I looked it up in the German and the English wikipedia article). More awareness, less judgment, that sounds good. About the commitment, well, this is another rigid frame where I think more true spontaneity could be healing.
But what you wrote about your therapist makes the impression on me that he is NOT unjudgmental and aware, but preoccupied by his belief. And that would be a difficult situation for me, confusing and dangerous, two or more layers.
Learning to accept and to watch yourself without clinging to your emotions is certainly worth a lot of work, but if the therapist is not really accepting and listening, but thinks he knows what’s good and how to solve any problem he hasn’t really much knowledge of – then I get doubts about such a “professional” and the truth in his motivation and method. In general, I am skeptical of approaches which seem to fit to any problem (“one size fits all”).
Chloe, your comment is good!
5 On 4 August, 2009, Phil said:
Me again… sorry for talking so much …
Sean, one thing struck me when reading. You said that the therapist made you feel bad because of the thought you might be resistant to get over BIID: “Because if it’s true, it means I am a failure. It means that I have not healed from BIID because I don’t want it bad enough!”
I know how this feels, I think.
But you are not a failure. IF there’s a resistance, it serves a purpose and is meaningful, it was necessary and maybe still is. If at all, one can only slowly lower the shield and get a more free view, let go of the resistance and all that.
The problem with BIID is that it is not just something, and when I only want it, I can overcome it. It is in my will. How can I want not to want what I want? Can I split up my will into one higher and one lower level, the higher will let go of the lower will (BIID)? Yes, sometimes I can. I just can concentrate on other things, I can enjoy dancing and hiking. But sometimes I cannot.
If BIID is a dis-ease, it is a disease of the will itself. That makes it so complicated.
Maybe I haven’t got enough freedom as a small child, wasn’t allowed to have my will and to do what I needed to do, to enjoy myself including my body. That could be a logical explanation of the fact that I don’t feel at home and at ease in all of my body as it is, and that it is in my will to have a smaller body.
In any case, it’s not your fault, but your suffering. “You just have to want it” is not enough – it shows not much understanding of the condition.
6 On 4 August, 2009, Sean said:
@Chloe, I do think it’s important to try as many things as I can until I find one that works. The thing is, of course, I know what would work, just not available.
I’m still feeling a bit conflicted about whether or not I should forge ahead with this. Thanks for the comments though, they are very helpful.
@Cath thank you for phrasing it that way. “This is your life, come to terms with it”, yes, it does feel a bit like that. No, that isn’t what I want. That said, the idea of serenity is appealing.
“Psychotherapists will always seek to explain behaviour in terms of subconscious desires, it’s what they do. Until we have evidence to prove otherwise, they will continue to do so.”
Yeah. But there is evidence that points towards neurology rather than subconscious desires, isn’t there? Just have to get that more widely known and replicated.
@Phil, Yes, the therapist seems to me to have an optimistic view of life, or at least of therapy. It also annoys me that he wouldn’t acknowledge me at all when I tried to present my point of view. Yes, he’s trying to shift my “paradigm”, but still.
I do agree that there may be something positive to gain out of this journey, and it’s possibly worth it to embark on it.
The funny thing about resistance, is that in the last two or three weeks I’ve had a few dreams that helped me feel less resistant, more open, to self-injury. Weird.
The idea of “you just have to want it bad enough” annoys me tremendously. It pisses me off that people tell spinal cord injured patients that they aren’t walking because they don’t want it bad enough. And by the same token, it annoys me that the therapist implied I still experienced emotional pain from BIID because I didn’t want it enough.
But then, his argument really was that if I change my paradigm, I will view things differently, hence come to the conclusion it’s all resolvable by “surrendering”. I would be surprised if it were the case. But then that’s the thing about paradigms. If I live in a box and never see outside the box, I would be surprised to see what is outside of my box. I am not naive enough to think it impossible for me to be stuck in such a paradigm. Perhaps for that alone it is worth starting on this path.
I’m with Sophie on this one. I’ve already been there with the intersex issue. People (parents, psychiatrists, etc) tried to bully me into being male. They said I’d find life easier that way, and the best path would be for me to accept that. Absolute fucking bullshit! I am who I am, and that’s female. Anybody who doesn’t like that can stuff it.
Likewise, anybody who tries to persuade me that I don’t need to be paraplegic can stuff it too. I am who I am. If anybody has a problem with that, it’s THEIR problem for THEM to deal with.
8 On 9 August, 2009, Sean said:
@Lane, sometimes, you missread me :) I don’t really care one way or the other about the terminology. Yeah, I’m resisting, but I’m not resisting the wording. There’s plenty of other stuff in the way :)
As for teaching/learning, no, I’m not there to teach anything. I’m there to get what I can out of them. I’m sure I’ll learn *and* teach in the process, because therapy does that. But my goal ain’t to teach.
9 On 10 August, 2009, Sean said:
@Lane, if you believe that I am engaging on this path to play at deconstructionist philosophy and to show some sort of intelectual superiority, then you misunderstand me. I have neither need nor desire to do that. There is no point in wasting my time and theirs if that is what I’m hoping to get out of this exercise.
*Of course* there is something to be learned and gained from my interactions there. That is why I am still forging ahead, despite my discomfort and doubts.
Post your comments
© transabled.org - 1994-2012 - All Rights Reserved.
1 On 4 August, 2009, Chloe said:
Well, nobody can accuse you of leaving any stone unturned.